If you are referring to "gay" as being happy, then no, I've never been gay.

What was I like in high school? You know that guy who drove a Camaro and dated all the cheerleaders? That wasn't me.

The average couple argues 312 times a year per a recent article. I say It's actually 310 but try telling her that!

The wife said I was gasping for breath in my sleep last night... Every time she lifted the pillow.

My fear of insomnia tends to keep me up at night.

Argued with the wife and fought like a dog. My main tactics were "lie down," "roll over" and "play dead."

My wife says that even if something happens and I end up in a wheelchair she'll still have sex with me. See you all later, I'm gonna go buy a wheelchair!

I want to be reincarnated as a panda bear in captivity. At least then somebody (other than me) will try to get me laid.

29% of all accidents are caused by speeding. That means 71% are caused by driving the speed limit. Statistically it's safer to speed...

The only way I'd ever qualify as having a hard body is if they are talking about liver, arteries or heart! #jokes

I’m not one to nitpick Facebook… but isn’t “in a relationship” and “it’s complicated” the same damn thing? #jokes

It's like my pharmacist doesn't even know me. She throws around words like "police" & "unstable" all over a simple hug at the Olive Garden.

If I ever go missing I want my picture on a 40 oz beer rather than a milk carton, because I want fun people to find me.

I just beat my own record for most consecutive days without dying.

My 8 year old just claimed to be the boss of booyah. Think I'll let him have that one.

Y'know the trouble with nude dancing is that not everything stops when the music does.

I'm willing to bet that mosquitos invented the game: "Stop hitting yourself, stop hitting yourself!"

When I say your secrets are safe with me it isn't because I possess any superior moral fiber, it's due to my super crappy memory. So spill.

I've got my own lie detector at home. I call her "honey".

If I said you have a hot body, would you make me a bacon sandwich?

The kids calling me ˝OCD˝ would make them feel like idiots if they knew leaving pan handles sticking out could destroy our universe.

Shouldn't the air and space museum be empty?

Oh thank goodness, my Uber driver knows what's really wrong with this country.

My insurance company reimburses me, no questions asked for all claims in about 30 to 60 business years.

The cool thing about The Clapper is it doubles as a strobe light during sex.

I'm at my whitest when I have to shake hands with a black person.

Whoever is in charge of making sure that I don't do dumb shit is fired!

Drugs are not the answer! Unless of coarse the question is "why are you eating spaghetti with your hands?"

If she doesn't look like she's having a demon exorcised from her, you're doing it wrong.