i vote that all the world cup tourists that are having a blast here in america just stay here. don’t fly back. i love illegal immigration. get in here, girl.

pocahontas live action, but the setting is 90 day fiance the other way

never brag about a man bc it activates their spidey senses & tells them it’s time to embarrass you

figured i needed attention so instead of running a marathon, i forced southern california drivers to park their cars on the 110 at 3am. 🥰

no such thing as a retired crashout bc every now & then, my cookie monster pajamas start calling to me like the green goblin mask

an employer did a background check on me & i don’t know why i got nervous that i secretly committed heinous crimes that i wasn’t aware of. 💀

this bieber coachella set is giving me war flashbacks from every man i dated in my 20’s that lived on youtube 😭 “hAve yOu sEen tHiS yOUtuBe viDeO?”

must suck to be those astronauts coming back to earth. i’d imagine it feels like turning yourself in. 😭

a man complimented my jacket. i said thank you & then he followed me 🥰🥰🥰🥰

texting my exes this april fool’s day & saying, “i miss you” & when they respond, answering with, “oops wrong chat.”

everyday is april fool’s day when ur attracted to men

i stg if you prank me today, i’m going to jail. nothing’s funny rn. 😭

switched to only eating whole foods. i’m not playing. i’m trying to be so fine this summer so i can ignore all my messages.

the worst thing to happen to tiktok is the fact that everyone & their mama started becoming sales reps for the sake of commission. like why are you selling everything under the sun 😭

don’t think of it as friendzoning. think of it as redshirting.

i love cleaning my apartment & then calling it crime scene ready bc i’d haunt you all from the afterlife if the cops came to photograph my apartment & i looked like i was musty 😭😭😭

started lifting & eating like a gym bro again. unfortunately the gym bros are right. this shit does in fact feel good. 😭

men will traumatize you in the most diabolical ways & then send you an instagram reel

hot pilates life hack: live on the west side & do it in your apartment that doesn’t have a/c.

i tried to watch hamnet but paul mescal’s iphone face was taking me out of it 😂

“wHy iSn’T tHis oN tHe nEwS?” babe, it is. it’s just not on your tiktok algorithm pls find other sources of news 😭

when i was 5, i got chased by an ostrich bc my kindergarten class had a field trip to a place called bunny hop ranch & the person taking care of the animals pointed me out & said, “wanna come in and pet him?” then i got chased by an ostrich & the employee was screaming while trying to get me out 💀

i’m so deeply unmotivated by life rn. everything is so expensive. our government is on some bullshit every waking moment. the job market is ass. there’s like nothing to look forward to.

did anyone ever solve the mystery behind why so many men had pics holding fish on their dating app profiles

remember when car flags were popular

came to the realization that my dog is a white boy. pls respect my privacy at this time.

thinking about the time when my uncle borrowed bieber’s sprinter for my grandma’s funeral & we were all sobbing in a purple interior with neon lights. 💀💀💀

why is it corny when someone wears designer sneakers? like chanel sneakers are so ugly & corny 😂

remember when grown adults thought they were cool because they “owned” a jpeg of a cartoon ape?

thinking about the time when i told a coworker, “nice sweater, dork. did your mom make it?” and she actually did. 😭😭😭😭😭