Embittered Raisin Won’t Shut Up About How It Could Have Been Wine https://theonion.com/embittered-raisin-won-t-shut-up-about-how-it-could-have-1827840677/
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“These strange, balloon-like anomalies have captivated the public imagination for decades,” chief Pentagon spokesperson Sean Parnell said of the unusually bulbous vessels officially known as Unidentified Floating Objects but colloquially referred to as “blimps” or “flying sausages.”
Pentagon Declassifies Files On Blimps
ARLINGTON, VA—In what may be the largest-ever disclosure of government data concerning the mysterious aerial phenomena, Pentagon officials announced Wednesday they had begun releasing a trove of forme...
theonion.com
Noting that there were no empty seats to switch to on the entirely full bus, sources confirmed Tuesday morning that a belching, groaning passenger seated directly behind a local woman had announced, “Oh fuck.”
‘Oh Fuck,’ Announces Belching, Groaning Bus Passenger Directly Behind Woman
CHICAGO—Noting that there were no empty seats to switch to on the entirely full bus, sources confirmed Tuesday morning that a belching, groaning passenger seated directly behind a local woman had anno...
theonion.com
“People said we were using an unacceptable amount of power, and with these upgraded facilities that require so much more of it, we’ve shown that we took those criticisms to heart,” said Sam Altman
Technological Advancements Allow Data Centers To Run On Even More Electricity
SAN FRANCISCO—Hailing rapid developments in the infrastructure needed to support artificial intelligence, OpenAI CEO Sam Altman announced Tuesday that technological advancements were now allowing data...
theonion.com
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New Evidence Suggests Dinosaurs Had Quinceañeras https://theonion.com/new-evidence-suggests-dinosaurs-had-quinceaneras/
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Technological Advancements Allow Data Centers To Run On Even More Electricity https://theonion.com/technological-advancements-allow-data-centers-to-run-on-even-more-electricity/
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Post Pretty Sanctimonious For Mere Month Of Sobriety https://theonion.com/post-pretty-sanctimonious-for-mere-month-of-sobriety/
“Yes, that’s right, folks—I’m the adorable, adorable fluffy furball who has been crawling all over your social media feeds,” the commander-in-chief said before licking the back of his hand and letting out a playful mew.
Trump Baselessly Claims He Is Viral 40-Pound Tabby Cat Named Daddy Cinnamon
WASHINGTON—Promoting the unfounded assertion in an effort to improve his polling, President Donald Trump baselessly claimed during a White House press conference Monday that he was a viral 40-pound ta...
theonion.com
“Generations of us have enjoyed driving out to this secluded little perch for sucking face, and now this giant corporation wants to make it some sort of growth investment,” said longtime Fredericktown resident Diane Moseley
Small Town’s Make-Out Point Purchased By Multinational Make-Out Conglomerate
FREDERICKTOWN, MO—In a move many residents of this tight-knit community say jeopardizes the beloved scenic hideaway, a multinational make-out conglomerate announced Tuesday that it had purchased the s...
theonion.com
“Female Americans, you are being called upon to serve the most important men in our country,” said Hegseth
U.S. Instates Military Wife Draft
WASHINGTON—Pledging to do everything in his power to ensure the mental and physical needs of his troops were being fulfilled, Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth announced Thursday that the United States h...
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Local Idiot To Post Comment On Internet https://theonion.com/local-idiot-to-post-comment-on-internet-1819569981/
Trump Baselessly Claims He Is Viral 40-Pound Tabby Cat Named Daddy Cinnamon https://theonion.com/trump-baselessly-claims-he-is-viral-40-pound-tabby-cat-named-daddy-cinnamon/
Schools Deploy Pepper Spray Drones To Combat Shootings https://theonion.com/schools-deploy-pepper-spray-drones-to-combat-shootings/
Small Town’s Make-Out Point Purchased By Multinational Make-Out Conglomerate https://theonion.com/small-towns-make-out-point-purchased-by-multinational-make-out-conglomerate/
"What is a woman?" Jim Haggerty knows the answer to the question liberals refuse to ask.
Immigrant Explains Difficulty Assimilating To Culture That Constantly Reboots Film Franchises
Power-Mad Marvel Claims ‘Night At The Roxbury’ Part Of MCU https://theonion.com/power-mad-marvel-claims-night-at-the-roxbury-part-of-mcu/
