timothée makes me feel 19 again.* [*19 - sitting around a record store while a couple of yt dudes try to convince me of dylan’s greatness by playing deep cuts🙄🙄🙄]

i fear that stanley tucci will have a hard time in future roles due to his inability to not give cvnt anytime he’s onscreen.

i love that this is how i found out.

Matthew Gertz@mattgertz.bsky.social · 2y ago

ahahahahahahahahahhahahahahahahahaha

NURSE: okay, so i’m doing the flu shot in your left arm, covid in your right. MY BRAIN: don’t do it, i swear ME: …🎶here i am🎶stuck in the middle with you🎶

Stand-Up Comedian (9.07.09 - current) 15 years. the only thing i’ve done more of is living. my longest love affair.

lordt, i keep forgetting about this corner over here. what it do? how was your turkey day? how ya mama’nem doing?

nothing makes me angrier than receiving a trash-ass salad. i’m trying to do right - light dressing! whole grain fruit bar snack! - and i’m handed a bowl of wilted intentions & overcooked chicken. in order to get my soul right, i gotta eat a pasta with cream sauce for dinner.

gonna take a quick shower and watch the ozempic awards.

i couldn't remember the name of a safdie bro so i yelled to @sosure.bsky.social, "which safdie has the juicy face?" and he responded, "that's benny, the acting one."

shout out to whichever one of their kids told bill de blasio about "mango" by kamauu.

i definitely got into a small private college in SC thanks to affirmative action and i must tell you - they really bet on the wrong horse.

whoo, they going nutso at the bird right now. i think everyone’s on their way over here. i hope y’all got enough snacks.

happy summer solstice! i'm celebrating with a work call, a work zoom, two podcasts, laundry, and a friend's birthday dinner. how are you cramming it in on the year's longest day?