Pay the Bertolli Sell your soul-y Pound for pound it costs more than gnocchi
Broke up with my medieval bf because he keeps waking me at dawn with Gregorian chant
Dating is just wondering why someone is single and then slowly figuring it out
My birthday is coming up if anyone is interested in buying this (these?) for me
Born on this day: Edward Norton, the intensely versatile American actor whose sharp intelligence, restless energy, and transformative performances in films like Primal Fear, Fight Club, and American History X made him one of modern cinema’s most compelling and unpredictable talents.
you can just buy cheese whenever you want. you don't have to have a party.
basically I’m what you get when you combine a corn dog with a phd
bringing a wheel of cheese to a knife fight and slowly eating it all myself while maintaining eye contact to establish dominance
Be honest, we rarely remember the rest of the world even exists outside our own little world.
[yelling over tinnitus] I SAID HEARING PROTECTION IS FOR PUSSYS
[Bob Dylan’s grade school English class] Teacher: Who can give me an example of a simile? Bob: Like a complete unknown. Teacher: Not bad. Another? Bob: Like a rolling stone. Teacher: Good! And extra credit for rhyming them. How does it feel, Bob?
[date] her: I’m a fan of plato Me: ooh do you have the one where you make the little cakes I love that one
I don't need to explain it, the explanation is in the eye of the brainholder.
a waiter who refills your bong with fresh water every time you set it down
I used to think I made the best biscuits Then I met your cat
I’m going to open a new restaurant chain named “I Don’t Care”. It will save husbands everywhere countless hours.
I mostly just wear a watch so I can look at it instead of the people I pass in the halls
inside you there are two wolves. each of those wolves contains two wolves. inside all four of those? You guessed it: more wolves. it's not that special.