Gen-X Man Attends Oasis Reunion Concert

So, I’m the same age as Noel and Liam. And they’ll make $50 million each by the end of the tour. Goddammit, I don’t have enough saved. Nowhere near...

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Copy and Paste Any of These Out-of-Office Replies for Your Personal Use

I am out of the office today and Friday to solve every existential quandary I’ve been putting off arguably since 2023 when, as far as I can tell, I...

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Obsolete Chain Restaurant Mascots

Gerk Jervis Gerk Jervis was the mascot of Pancake Tramp locations across America. An animated chef with one eye, he shook when he wasn’t drinking ...

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Holy Christ, It’s Snowing!

Holy Christ, it’s snowing! Fuck, exactly what we never anticipated—not in this gray and frozen month. Martians or race riots, sure, but look outsid...

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If Jack Kerouac Tried to Write On the Road Now

I first met Dean after my wife and I had split up—dude, why is everyone freaking out, it was just a small earthquake. We get it. Move on. Look at e...

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Tragedians in Cars Getting Coffee

1. JERRY SEINFELD: This is a 1995 Land Rover Defender, and everything about it says adventure. Which is perfect, because today I’m getting coffee w...

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A 1985 Action Movie Hero Brings Way Too Much Heat and Weird Slang to His Scenes

1. LIEUTENANT DAVIDSON: We got another call about that bar down on 3rd Street. HERO: AW, COME ON! What the conk, Lieutenant! Johnson’s out there th...

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What I’d Say to Paul Hollywood If I Were on The Great British Bake Off

“Sorry you feel the cake I made is a bit dry, Paul. It was meant to commemorate the life of my best friend from childhood. He died when we were ten...

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I’ve Made Small Tweaks to Three Scenes in Your Sitcom

BEDROOM EXIT/INTO LIVING ROOM HER: Would you mind telling me where you’ve hidden my shoes? HER SISTER: What? Moi? I did nothing. No clue what shoes...

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My Recent Interview to Simply Rent a Small House in Los Angeles for Six Months

THEM: Are you the Dan Kennedy who has written all about how to make millions of dollars? You sell a program of some sort to people and say they can...

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If I Had Been in the 1991 Movie Point Break Instead of Keanu Reeves

GARY BUSEY: They’ve robbed twenty-six banks in three years. And all we know about them is one thing: They’re surfers. You need to learn to surf, in...

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Pitching PBS My Refreshingly Violent Twist on Antiques Roadshow

This is not how I pictured your offices. I always imagine you guys sitting around a big wooden table having tea, and there’s a lake outside. That d...

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Let’s Sell Your Basic House for More Than a Million Goddamn Dollars

Folks, I’ve got three questions for you… What do you mean “how did I get in here”? I’ll ask the questions, sir. I opened the door. But I didn’t op...

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