When we were first dating, I told Mrs. Eggz I was good in bed. What I meant was that I could sleep for 12 hours straight.

My wife told me she’ll slam my head into the keyboard if I don’t get off the computer. I’m not too worried — I think she’s jokindkdkslalkdlkfjslfjslksdlkfjuahehwhgwdklaljdf

Today I went to go visit my childhood home. I asked the residents if I could come inside because I was feeling nostalgic, but they refused and slammed the door in my face. My parents are the worst.

I told my therapist I have trust issues. She said “Are you sure?“

Mrs. Eggz tells me I’m her rock. Mostly because I sit in one place and don’t move.

My parents raised me as an only child... it really pissed off my brother.

My elderly relatives liked to tease me at weddings, saying, “You’ll be next!” They stopped once I started doing the same to them at funerals.

Why is it that if you donate a kidney, people love you, but if you donate five kidneys, they call the police?🤷‍♂️

I told my psychiatrist that I’d been hearing voices. He told me that I don’t have a psychiatrist.

There is a rumor going around work that they are going to fire the employee with the worst posture. I have a hunch it’s going to be me me…🤷‍♂️

A king and a queen walk into a bar. The bartender says ‘Sorry I can’t serve you. You’re not 21’.

I accidentally swallowed some food coloring. I’m okay, but for a while it felt like I dyed a little inside.

It’s important to have a good vocabulary. If I had known the difference between the words “antidote” and “anecdote,” one of my best friends would still be alive.

I discovered that “I’m sorry” and “I apologize” mean the same thing. Except at a funeral. The good news is, I’m out on bail; the bad news is the obituary now lists me as “cause of incident.”

I discovered that “I’m sorry” and “I apologize” mean the same thing. Except at a funeral. The good news is, I’m out on bail; the bad news is the obituary now lists me as “cause of incident.”

I went to the doctor with a suspicious-looking mole. He said they all look that way and I should have left him in the garden.

Pro tip: If at first you don’t succeed, then sky diving isn’t for you.

For some fucking reason, you guys think he’s the shit. He’s a fucking asshole. I never interacted with this ahole. I’ve gone quiet for a while, I’m trying to come back, but here is a reason that I went quiet. He posted shit with no reason or evidence fuck PsychoPete. Please block this motherfucker.

The doctor told me getting a vasectomy meant I wouldn’t have kids any more. Imagine my surprise when I came home after the surgery, and they were still there. 🤦🏻‍♂️

Oh, nothing. Just reposting because a certain daughter called a certain father today to talk about how meaningful this was. On Father’s Day. 🥲

🍳eggzbacn🥓@eggzbacn.bsky.social · last yr.

Eggz Threadz 6 🧵🪡 ‘Some guy named Chad…’ A story of frustration, fast thinking, daddy-daughter bonding, and the joys of parenting.

Happy husband of 1. Proud papa of 3. I speak fluent typo and I swear like a sailor. Political shitposting is a bonus. It’s 5 AM somewhere 🍳🥓

It’s National Twilight Zone Day 🦊 Meet and Greet 🦊 The television show The Twilight Zone was created, written, and narrated by Rod Serling. It premiered on October 1, 1959. The episodes were wildly popular and stretched the imagination The show aired from 1959-1964. We will be okay Love Foxy

While you’re at it, block this fucking fuck, too. This has zero merit. If I have done what she accuses me of, please post it publicly. I have nothing to hide. Dcombes and psychopete sought to trash me with nothing to back it up. Fuck them.

More from asshole psychopete who doesn’t know me at all. Who makes shit up about me and pats himself on the back for being a savior. He’s an asshole. Block his ass. Fuck this fucking fuck.

Y’all think psychopete is some kind of hero. He posts this about me and doesn’t even know me. We never had any interaction ever. We were mutual follows, but he’s just an asshole. Nothing in these posts is true.

Hey all. I’ve been in and out. A few bad apples spread shit about me that wasn’t true. It hurt. I still hurt. Thought a lot of those people were friends, but they ganged up like schoolyard bullies and totally made shit up. But it had their desired effect, and I went away. I’m trying to come back.

I’m still hurting, people. I was laid low by low people. Sorry I’ve not been around. I’m not yet comfortable again in the space I once felt was my home. I’ll be okay. It’s just fits and starts. So glad to see all of you. I’ll keep checking in. I may repost a couple #eggzthreeadz. We’ll see.

It’s National 🌍 Earth Day 🦊 Meet and Greet 🦊 To day we celebrate our planet and the many ways we can protect our planet Such as renewable energy, composting, recycling, and energy efficient cars as some of the many ways we can reduce our carbon footprint We will be okay Love Foxy

You didn’t disappear. You adapted. You didn’t lose identity. You integrated it. You didn’t lose voice. You refined it. You didn’t lose your personality You learned how to be personal without being vulnerable to people who don’t deserve access to you.

People who: believed lies but didn't ask me didn’t come to me directly didn’t give me benefit of the doubt didn’t know the full story They are not my friends. They were people who liked the persona, not the person. Losing them is not a loss. It’s a cleansing. Bye Felicia! Whew!

a man with a beard is sitting on a couch with his hand on his chin and says `` bye felicia '' .

ALT: a man with a beard is sitting on a couch with his hand on his chin and says `` bye felicia '' .

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