@alarod.bsky.social
Son: Dad, does God have a johnson?🌭 Dad: No he does not. Son: Oho! No wonder God is always pissed!🤗
Mitochondrial Eve lived on the shore of Lake Eyasu and had many children with a few males. After she died, some of these children moved to a swamp in northern Botswana. And that’s when the human race really began to take off. Idaltu ran away to North Africa and then Cameroon, where he was absorbed.
Something about the LOTR: For a few paragraphs at a time at widely dispersed intervals, the book becomes interesting. Then it lapses right back into that blur that you can’t remember, which is 98% of the book. Well, I hope you got your money’s worth. Even if you didn’t, it got Simon Tolkien a yacht.
Alien: Well, it’s done! Now all of you humans are going to live forever, you will never, ever die! How do you feel? Human (lying down): Bored as hell. Alien: But it’s better than dying, right? Human: Um … why? Alien (flying off): My work here is done.👽🛸 Human: Hey, am I still going to heaven?🤔
Acolyte: Master, how does a person have hope? Guru: Forget that you’re going to die someday. Then you can have hope, well, for a little while!😉
Generation Z is a brand new generation, the adults of the future. Yet they have all the foibles of the preceding generations. So what can we expect in the future? More of the same stuff that’s been going on for the past ten thousand years.
Jebel Irhoud Man lived in Morocco 300,000 years ago. He was not Homo Sapiens, he was Homo Helmei, the ancestor of Sapiens. Some Helmei went to the Omo River in Ethiopia in 200,000 AD, mixed with other varieties and produced Homo Sapiens Idaltu. Some moved to Lake Eyasi in 150,000 AD and became Us.
Teacher: Johnny, I’m very concerned. You’re getting lots of misinformation from the Internet, and you’re not learning anything sensible and down to earth because you’re not reading any books! Johnny: That’s not true! I‘m reading the Book of Mormon right now!😃
Dad: Son, you never read a single book! Son: But I do read every single thing on the Internet! Dad: That’s even worse!🤦♂️
Democrat: I love my country, but I think it’s stupid that it re-elected Trump. Republican: Call America stupid all you want, I don’t care. Just don’t call me stupid. Democrat: You’re as stupid as fuck. Republican: Okay, now I’m going to run away!😩
Guy: Satan, why did God put you in Hell? Satan: I told God that he was an idiot for giving his creatures Free Will, because it allowed them to choose evil as well as good. Then I tried to stop the making of universe so this disaster wouldn’t happen. Was I right or wrong? Guy: Gee, that’s a toughie.🤔
Press Release from Jared Fogle: I am very grateful to Donald Trump for making what I do more mainstream and almost acceptable to most Republicans!😃
Billboard: I am your stupid opinionated uncle at Thanksgiving, and I completely reject the insinuating remarks that Donald Trump at all resembles me! (Paid for by Avuncular Assholes United and its associated PAC)
Job Office: State your race or ethnicity. Girl: White. Job Office: White? You look black! Girl (sheepishly): I got too many tatttos!⚓️
Government: Have you spent the entire million that we have allotted to you for this year? Guy: Oh dear! I have somehow managed to spend two million dollars! Government: Too bad. Prepare to be homeless for the next year. Your allotment will begin again the following year. Good luck in the meantime.😵
In a world where everyone gets a million dollars a year. Government: You must spend this million completely by the end of the year. Everything left over will be confiscated as tax. Guy: I have spent the entire million except for one cent. Government: Congratulations. We are awarding you that penny.
The billionaires must be taxed at a 90% rate and more, or the garbage we are experiencing now will continue forever, and even get worse. This is not punitive, this is a matter of survival. If we don’t stop them now, the 99% is going to be destroyed. No one should have more than a million a year.🤑
Acolyte (talking to a falling drop of water): I feel your presence. Who are you? Voice: I am nowhere. I am everywhere. I am Brahman. Acolyte: Hi Brahman.💧
God is aware of all of us, and God knows everything that you do. You will see God after you die.
Girl: I hear that that you go to Stanford. Guy: No, I don’t go to that school any more. Girl: Why, what happened? Guy: I was kicked out for matriculating in public!😱
Joaquin Phoenix’s version of the Joker was brilliant and troubling. But Heath Ledger’s portrayal of the Joker is still the best. It is immortal.🤡
Polish Astronaut: I think we landed on the sun! Friend: What makes you think so? Astronaut: We’re on fire!😲🔥
Human: Where are you from? Alien: I am from Neptune.👽🪐 Human: Impossible! Neptune is just a big ball of icy slush! Alien: I didn’t say I originated there, I just said that I’ve come from there. Human (skeptically): Oh yeah? Where do you stand on Neptune? Alien: I think it’s a pretty nice place.🤔
Frodo: Gandalf, what is truth and what is reality? Gandalf: The truth is what is true and reality is what is real. Frodo: But aren’t they the same? Gandalf: No. Middle Earth is true but it is not real. Frodo: But I think, I breathe. I am real! Gandalf: You’re mistaking a literary device for reality!
First Republican: Our party seems to be disintegrating. Why is this happening? Second Republican (shrugging): Trump won a second term.
Acolyte: Guru, I am unhappy. Guru: Acolyte, as soon as you realize that everything you experience on Earth is stupid, piss-poor, and bad, you will be ecstatically happy and enlightened. Acolyte: I feel badder all ready!
Girl (wiping orange gunk off her face): Ew! I’ve just been struck by projectile presidency!🤢
“I’m into Nihilism.” “I thought that was pronounced Nih-hillism.” “You’re an Ignormous.”🤨