one of my colleagues is Native American & his dad is a traditional Kiowa healer. we were talking & I asked him how he’d treat my depression & he said smudging & the sweat lodge ceremony but that he finds these ceremonies helpful “because I fully believe in them.”

the last time I had a drink was late Feb. I’ve had some moments since I almost slipped but didn’t. I can forget how drinking used to control my life but I’ve come a long way in the past years. when it comes to addiction and depression, there’s always something I need to fix. but I’ll take this win.

I know the baby stage of parenting is rough but what’s good is you still have time to fix your personality. all my daughter cared about was boobs for a long time—I was God to her & had to do nothing to earn it. now I actually have to make an effort to be a fun, agreeable person.

addiction is a great equalizer. if you’ve been in recovery rooms you know it doesn’t discriminate. it’s humbling to see it wreck people who have everything we’re promised will make us happy: money, fame, power, education—even family. it’s a human struggle that connects us, even as it devastates us.

I was lecturing my cats about how they’re called “pets” because they’re supposed to let me pet & cuddle them when I want to, & my husband interjected to say actually pet as a verb comes later & it just means they’re tame & spoiled animals. I told him the connotation is still there & to go away.

new side hustle idea: we’re coming up on MacArthur genius grant announcements & for a fee I will call your nemesis to tell them they won one. DM me if interested.

I am reading, researching, and writing again. what a gift.

throughout my life, strength training has really helped me come back from rough times & dark places. yesterday I finally made it to the “burn boot camp” in town & did my best (which wasn’t much). now the key will be returning today—wish me luck!

hello friends. I want to share my review for the doctor & clinic that did my ketamine infusions. I will be talking & writing about this more in the coming years, I’m sure, but here’s how I feel today: share.google/SszNOMgnTWna...

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hello—I decided to finally be the expert I am & write something on the Lindsay Clancy trial so if you’re an editor looking for pieces, let me know! here’s my working pitch:

hello—I decided to finally be the expert I am & write something on the Lindsay Clancy trial so if you’re an editor looking for pieces, let me know! here’s my working pitch:

four ketamine infusions down in a last ditch effort to find some relief from depression. this is the last stop on the train of Western psychiatry for me. I can’t shake the dystopian feel of paying so much money for a drug to help me function in late-stage capitalism—but at least I haven’t given up.

no pressure at all to donate but here are my Cash Apps. thank you for all the love & support ❤️

an update:

an update:

one of the essays that changed my life was Adrienne Rich on compulsory heterosexuality & the lesbian continuum. when she starts listing off all the characteristics of male power I literally stood up out of my chair. those moments your eyes are opened—that’s what academia is all about.

for me, Toni Morrison put an end to the debate on aesthetics v. politics in literary studies. it's tiresome to see it continually hashed out, esp because the false dichotomy hurts marginalized authors & scholars who don't have the luxury of being apolitical by virtue of their very existence.

I carry this poem in my wallet & heart as a spiritual guide. I don’t know that I can articulate clearly & entirely why it moves me so much, only that it seems to be a testament to faith—the incredible need to believe in something, to love, despite it all.

a list of the most important literature of my life, as an English literature professor:

the hardest & most rewarding job in the world: being a mom.

I was emotional in class discussing Othello today & I shared with my students how much my pedagogy centers on feeling. I shared this quote from Audre Lorde with them. I realized when talking, though, that we were discussing a play that outlines the danger of being overcome by emotion & acting on it.

messages about the power of love seem cliche but remember some of our most radical minds—hooks, Baldwin, Laymon—are love theorists who write about exactly this: the power of love to heal, mobilize action, & create change. the more reminders we get to focus on love, the better.

over the years I’ve had my fair share of critiques of my presence & posts on social media, some fair some not. but I hold on to comments like these when I feel ashamed of myself or how open I’ve been. it’s nice to know for every person who thinks I’m cringe there’s probably one I’ve helped.

yes, I relapsed after 2 years sober. I was actively suicidal so I didn’t think it mattered any more. but I’m still here & I’d rather be honest. & honestly people online have been shocking me lately with how they talk about & treat me. so much for kindness & grace & the benefit of the doubt.

proof of life. still here & I can’t complain: I’ve been sober for coming up on 4 months. I’m securely employed. I own two cats & lots of pens. I have a kid who wants to spend time with me. my husband cooks & cleans & lets me tweet about him. I could go on. it’s a shame I’m so sad all the time.

if asked my stance on the Shakespeare authorship controversy with a gun to my head I’d say I believe he wrote his plays, but I recognize my emotional attachment to the idea of him—his singular genius. at the end of the day, the question doesn’t matter to my work because…

very happy to be talking about Terence in class today, an enslaved then freed North African playwright whose work heavily influenced Shakespeare, who studied him as a school boy. he once wrote, “I am human, & nothing human is alien to me.”