Alternative AssDeans
@altassdeans.bsky.social
A kinder, gentler AssDean who fired all the support staff to create my own position and gave myself a 200% yearly raise.
Posting this on the Dean’s Office floor was not smart. Luckily I just had them install cameras in our hall so we can determine the culprit(s). #actuallyweknowitwasyou
I regret to inform you that ‘I’ll do it later this summer’ is becoming a high-risk strategy.
“Ladies and gentlemen, I am your [Ass]Dean. Now, being an [Ass]Dean is like being a gardener who grows flowers of enlightenment.” Dean Warren Simon [Character]. Blue Mountain State. (2020). S2, Ep. 6 “Nerds”.
When faculty get too friendly with me, I like to call them by the wrong name.
Never trust a faculty member who says “I’ll post grades tonight.” If they graded on time, imagine what else they’d be capable of.
Some people hear ‘summer break.’ I hear ‘unused classroom inventory.’
Summer teaching offers the unique experience of being both on contract and somehow still off contract.
Watching faculty panic-submit grades 14 minutes before the registrar deadline is the closest academia gets to the Olympics. #ListofShameHereYouCome #FasterHigherStrongerTogether
Every graduation has one faculty member dressed so dramatically you can’t tell if they’re here to celebrate the students or challenge Gandalf to a duel.
I keep the air conditioning high so everyone can fan themselves as they sweat during graduation ceremonies! I love seeing the faculty sweat!
Whomever posted the defamatory image targeting #AssDean Thomas in the SECOND FLOOR WOMEN’S BATHROOM will be identified and disciplined accordingly. Security footage is currently being reviewed. P.S. The Art Department is looking for a good artist! You should contact them.
I shall never be exauctorated, but that Dean might!
This is how I expect you to feel while waiting for your annual reviews too.
It is my understanding that Dr. Washington (allegedly) threatened Dr. Jackson with a chicken wing. We are looking into this … incident.
Happy New Year! May your productivity increase tenfold! I’ll be watching and expecting!
Get your grades in on time or go on the List of Shame! This year we will put the list of late graders on the main website page. #ShameAsAMotivator
Dear ***Former*** Prospective Applicant, Sending the Dean and cc’ing the entire faculty the YouTube video of Reba McIntyre’s song “Why haven’t I heard from you” may not have been the best play on your part.
Yall are lucky I don’t have a podcast. The stories I’ve buried will chill you to the bone…
Type “I love my #AssDean with all my” and let predictive text fill in the rest! I love my AssDean with all my soul but it doesn’t work.
I’m not being a bitch; I’m deploying one. It’s called administrative strategery. #assdean
As we head into Thanksgiving break, I truly hope everyone gets the rest they keep telling me they don’t have time for.
This will help you understand me better! I’m at least a 2!
We have decided to halt international travel for faculty. If you want to go to an international conference please find one in this country. Thank you and please remember that we value your international research so much!
The new software we deployed to your devices is to protect you, not to spy on you!