trying to explain to the cops that I recently had a blood transfusion and they gave me crazy lady blood
I’m tellin my kids that chowder is made by grinding up seagulls
Me: you tellin me a turkey made this club? Guy at the sandwich counter: (gazes at me with the dead eyes of a man who has seen entire families slaughtered by jackals)
why yes, I consider myself a party animal (a mouse quietly scuttling out to partake in a delicious morsel)
HOT DOGS is an anagram for SHOT GOD, which seems somehow appropriate
farted in my office and it sounded like a corgi trying to order Vietnamese food
does this song remind you of your dead cat? sorry yeah I didn’t think so either
if I worked as a photocopier repair guy I would dress up like a large stack of paper, so as not to spook the machines
“much like a slithering snake shedding its skin” I murmur to horrified onlookers at the bánh mì shop who just watched me suck the sliced pork and toppings out of a baguette
a good name for a horse would be Kris Klipclopperston
was in a hurry and accidentally bought Hillman’s Mayonnaise instead of Hellmans, it tastes almost identical but after eating a turkey sandwich you feel an irresistible urge to hurl snakes at trespassers
Not so much of a fan of the resurrection to be honest I’m more of a crucifixion guy
(extremely Rodney Dangerfield voice) My wife’s favourite vitamin is vitamin see… I told you so. Anti oxidants? Buddy she’s anti everything.
Microsoft word all up in my business warning me that my margins are small. I don’t give a fuck print that shit and stop asking dumb ass questions paperclip ass bitch
watching two seagulls engaged in awkward aerial combat, I love you, you clumsy whores of the sea
contrary to how they are popularly depicted, demons are actually extremely blurry
tryin to slink quietly out of the grocery store after getting busted having a full on conversation with myself about a block of spicy cheese
My Dietician: actually knuckle meat is fairly healthy, and the carbs in the bread are not your enemy
people talk about “going ham” as if ham is not one of the chillest, most ubiquitous deli meats
I hate the sound of macaroni my nightmares echo with the sickly fleshy smacking of wooden spoons agitating gooey pasta tubes
Attention trampoliners! If you’re here for ilyusha’s birthday party make your way to the party room! The hardships of the Snegiryov family are almost imperceptible here!
sometimes I see a beautiful woman and I’m like, that there is a beautiful woman. sometimes I see a handsome man and I’m like, bet he can’t even do any spin kicks