Girl code: don't date someone your friend has dated. Woman code: here's the obscure website I get that discontinued sheet mask from.

Added some new dates. Just 6 tickets left for Cambridge, MA Come see me on the road!

Taylor Farms sounds like the name of a fraternity pledge master who got kicked out for giving everyone diarrhea.

We have to accept some responsibility for trusting a farm named Taylor to not give us diarrhea in the first place.

If you cut me, do I not bleed? If you feed me lettuce, do I not diarrhea?

These weeks have been erasure of the non-explosive but still diarrhea community.

It's beautiful to think how far we've come since covid, from not being able to go inside because of the air, to not being able to go outside because of the air.

I've gotten really good this week at spelling diarrhea

Shows this weekend in Ohio! Enjoy some inside filtered air. What a dark promo Columbus, OH 7/17 Cleveland, OH 7/19

Watching science shows about how one day the sun will explode and the planet will be sucked into a black hole as my comfort shows.

I thought Caitlin Clark would be better in that State Farm commercial considering all her acting experience on the court.

I know the diarrhea lettuce is serious business, but it's a little fun that we're all at restaurants now like, should we be bad and get a salad?

I'm supposed to throw out the first pitch at a baseball game today, but it feels so bittersweet knowing that Lindsay Graham will never pitch or catch again.

I have a teeny tiny fibroid (1.3 cm!) that sometimes causes me debilitating pain. Don't ever think you're too small to make a difference.

Kentucky is underrepresented in the Senate right now, which is the closest they'll get to feeling like a blue state.

I was dancing at my cousin's wedding and this older woman came up to me and was like, I just have to tell you I think you're so funny. I was like, oh, thank you, you've seen my stand-up! And she said, you do stand-up?

You're worried about eating the diarrhea lettuce. I'm worried about eating anything from my baby boomer parents' pantry that's already been opened. We are the same.

Mitch McConnell is in the hospital doing what he loves - staying somewhere way too long and using up power.

Taco Bell is pulling ingredients that might be responsible for the diarrhea parasite. Because if you're getting diarrhea from Taco Bell, it's gotta be for the right reasons.

God had zero chill

I really don't like getting on here every morning and seeing people actively rooting for Mitch McConnell to die. Because that means he made it through another night.

A man was arrested for masturbating at Freedom 250. He would have been charged with indecent exposure, but there weren't enough people there.

I know I've found my audience because the replies to my newsletter usually include edits and corrections to my spelling.

The key to feeling confident in a bathing suit is being a really strong swimmer.

I actually have a really great landlord who has never raised our rent, fixes things when they break, and, most importantly, thinks I'm funny.

Every woman has a pair of jeans that only fits for like 4 days a month.

The Bible says women are unclean when we're on our periods. Yet it's conspicuously silent about the full grown men who don't wipe after they poop.

I saw a video that I could tell was AI because the woman in it was able to put her phone in her front pants pocket.

A lot of comedians are more critical of someone humping the stool than of someone humping a person who said no.