Elizabeth, Call me Spider-Man because you make me want to flick my wrist until I spurt out white sticky stuff. Respectfully, Darcy
Elizabeth, I don’t want a data center. Just a D in your center. Darcy
Elizabeth, Are you Homer’s The Odyssey? Because you’ll come from a strong oral tradition. Darcy
Elizabeth, Are you Lindsey Graham? Because I want to fill your seat. Darcy
Elizabeth, Call me lettuce the way I will rearrange your guts. Darcy
Elizabeth, You’re a good girl, but I want to corrupt you like FIFA. Darcy
there’s more people on top of the Empire State Building than at the Great American State Fair
A Where’s Waldo? fair had higher attendance than the Great American State Fair and I love that for books.
Fun fact: more people have come in my books than have come to the Great American State Fair
“I’ll make you release the algae you didn’t know you were holding,” I groaned as I eased into the Reflecting Pool’s peeling folds.
“I have a slit,” said the Reflecting Pool. “And I have fingers,” I said, smoothing its wetness around the slippery folds of paint. Peeling them back, and probing deeper. “And a tongue?” the pool panted. “And a tongue.” And then I snorkeled all up in that slit.
Elizabeth, I will make you Versailles. I will make you Vermoan. I will make you Vercomeonthiscock. Darcy
Elizabeth, A night with me is like the World Cup. You’ll score three times and leave me Messi. Darcy
Congratulations to all the people who years ago made a pact with a friend “if we’re both single when the Knicks win”
She’s a romance reader. It’s a hockey stick. Can one night of passion lead to love? TONIGHT I’M PUCKING YOU is available now!
Elizabeth, I have enclosed one (1) sundress. Please let me know the location at which you would like to be railed, and I shall do so forthwith. Respectfully, Darcy
I found Backrooms in my basement, too! I’m going to check it out.
What if a romance reader and a sentient hockey stick fell in love FOR REAL?? TONIGHT I’M PUCKING YOU is available now!
if it happens during Pride, we are going to have the best parade
Elizabeth, I will put you through the mattress so hard they’ll feel it in Boston. Darcy
This year’s coldest club is Freedom 250. This place has nothing:
A #FridayFling excerpt from my sentient hockey stick romance. Yes, TONIGHT I’M PUCKING YOU is a romance with a hockey stick
if Milli Vanilli won’t play your party, then girl you know you’re through
“I’m close,” the Blue Origin rocket panted. Smoke billowing, pre-fuel leaking from the tip. “Liftoff,” I rasped, pressing the button that sent it over the edge. The rocket groaned, then exploded, spurting debris all over the launchpad.
Elizabeth, I don’t want my face on money. Unless your pussy is money. Darcy
(at the UFC fight at the White House) Sir, you can take him. You’re so strong, sir. If you get in the ring, sir, you will win. You got this, sir.
Elizabeth; Everyone knows dumb has a b in it. But only I know last night your bum had a d in it. Darcy
Trump: I’m surprised I’m your last guest *lights dim, music starts* Colbert: It’s time to start RUNNING
taxmaxxing is when you tax a billionaire’s amazussy so hard even a teacher in Queens can feel it