Statistically speaking this is the greatest halftime show ever... ...no, even we cannot make this joke. It may be the most tragic halftime show ever, though.
Bad Soccer Stats
@badsoccerstats.com
Per the name, these are bad, completely made up, soccer stats (unless otherwise noted). Do not rely on them for anything other than a sensible chuckle.
Based on this groundbreaking analysis we predict Canada will beat Morocco.
We can neither confirm nor deny we advised on strategy against Turkey.
False. They are sports bras. FIFA's policy is to prevent doping by inducing gynomastia.
Prairie Rose Clayton@hooverdam.bsky.social · 2mo agoFOR THOSE OF YOU TUNING IN TO SOCCER FOR THE FIRST TIME: The "sports bras" the fellas are wearing are biostatistics and gps trackers
Our takes, however, are as cold as ice. We're willing to sacrifice your love. You never take our advice. Someday you will pay the price, we know.
Jason Davis@davisjason.bsky.social · 2mo agoOh man the part-timers are out here with takes and they're all people I follow for non-soccer reasons. This is going to be a summer on the Bluesky.
This is incorrect. No MLS game has ever finished more than 4-3.
MLS Referee Stats@mlsrefstats.bsky.social · 2mo agoAnd because you're wondering, the record for most combined goals in a match is 11: LA 7–4 COL (05/06/1998)
After anaylzing roughly 247,842 minutes of MLS play since 2021, we can confidently state: Austin FC are more ass than exists in a Cardi B music video.
99.92% of all professional soccer players have kicked a ball during a competitive match. The remaining 0.08% are crypto-players who only exist to provide FFP asset value.
Dammit, Austin. You were the Chosen One! It was said that you would destroy conventional analytics, not join perpetuate it! Bring balance to the stats, not cling to them like lemmings! www.teamworkonline.com/soccer-jobs/...
Director of Soccer Analytics & Intelligence - Austin FC
Austin FC joined Major League Soccer (MLS) as the League’s 27th club in January 2019. Austin FC officially began competing in MLS in April 2021, and in the 2025 season qualified for the MLS Cup Playo...
teamworkonline.com
Our model says Austin will 100% win, most likely 5-2.
The False Nine@thefalsenine.bsky.social · 9mo agoChat, talk me off this cliff I fear we’re cooked
You clearly do not, as you keep ignoring our emails.
Arielle Dror@arielledror.bsky.social · 9mo agoI work with the best crew in the game! 🙏
We cannot stress highly enough how this the perfect hire for New England.
Despite our best efforts, @americansocceranalysis.com refuses all of our monetization ideas. Their lack of vision is staggering.
Kieran Doyle@kierdoyle.bsky.social · 11mo agoIf you want to keep ASA free of ads for dick and hair loss pills you gotta support the patreon I don’t make the rules sorry
It would appear that our Revs preview was somewhat wrong. Ka'leb Por'ator was more Duras than Gowron. We regret the error. In related news, we have calculated that Archer was the best captain. prostinternational.com/2025/09/16/n...
“Nobody loves him & he forgets that we have family & are people”, Former players open up about their time under Caleb Porter
prostinternational.com
While our numbers indicate Pele is, at best, Duke Of The Soccer Field, we can confirm he is right that Crestfield Wax Paper makes you King Of Your Kitchen. youtube.com/shorts/YAH7y...
Pele The King of Soccer and Crestfield Wax Paper Kitchen Tips & Tricks
YouTube video by Bump Enterprise
youtube.com
This is, statistically speaking, the highest percentage clearance chance. He made the right decision.
Nicholas Murray@njemurray.bsky.social · 11mo agoOrange County SC's Vuk Latinovich might have just scored the own goal of the season, @mikewattsonair.bsky.social is utterly perplexed. #USL-C
Even we think this game was an affront to soccer.
Chase Hoffman@driftpeasant.org · 12mo agoUpdate: it was even worse than this suggests.
We have been advising MLS clubs to hold more summer concerts as a revenue stream. Metal bands, of all stripes, are the most profitable. Don Garber is a big fan of Duran Duran, and so all concert proceeds from them can be converted to GAM.
NY Soccer Journal@nysoccerjournal.com · 12mo agoNo NYCFC match vs Columbus this weekend as the grass in the Citi Field outfield is in rough shape + deemed off limits by the Mets How a combination of Blackpink concerts, sod installations, extreme heat forced this game to move to Yankee Stadium later in September
The single biggest MLS Mandela Effect is the belief that Kai Kamara played for your team. In reality, his entire career was spent in Belgium.
Thousands of hours of GPU time have led to one inescapable conclusion: Every day is the Hate Cuauhtémoc Blanco Day.
Our metrics show that this is by far his best position, and we informed the club post-haste.
Arman Kafai@armankafai.bsky.social · last yr.Gabriel Pec looks lost at wingback. I feel like having one of your best attacking players pinned back and out of position in most moments isn’t a good idea?
Draft Kings advertising internet betting in A) Texas, where it's illegal, and B) DC where it is only legal in a 3 block radius of Capital One Arena is a bizarre decision. #mls
On the contrary, they should be your second biggest worry after the baggage retrieval system they've got at Heathrow.
Tiotal Football@tiotalfootball.bsky.social · last yr.Do not worry about the international spots
We are proud to be the official shooting analytics provider to the MLS Skills Challenge Shooting Challenge. We helped most of the players shoot well under par.
You would be shocked at how fast our foothold is growing. ...mostly in Bolivia, but it is in triple digits.
Drew Olsen@drewolsen.fun · last yr.Reddit, please never change.
I’m not here to run a soccer club. I’m here to weaponize nostalgia. The brand? Vintage. The vision? Vague. The business plan? Behind a paywall. #CaribouRising
We are happy to have been assisting Austin FC in their analytics. We are hard driving towards Tier 4 with all possible speed.
American Soccer Analysis@americansocceranalysis.com · last yr.For the first time, we have two entries to Tier 0. The State of Analytics in MLS is here: www.americansocceranalysis.com/home/2025/7/20/state-of-mls-analytics-july-2025
