Conservatives Now Quietly Panicking After Labor Agrees To Slash Rent Raisers And Wage Suppressor Numbers

**WENDELL HUSSEY** | _Cadet_ | CONTACT Members of various business councils, housing bodies and conservative groups are today on high alert. This comes after the Federal Government leaked to the media that they are planning on 'cracking down on migration.' While technically they are just doing

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Nation's Alcohol Excise Tax Reaches Inevitable Point Where Australia Becomes 1920s Chicago

**CLANCY OVERELL** | _Editor_ | CONTACT 2020s Australia now looks like 1920s Chicago. From the public gangland hits, to the firebombing attacks on rival speakeasies - It's almost exactly the same. Just Australian gangsters don't wear fedoras like they used to in the heyday of

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REX Take On Big Boys With 15-Hour Milk Run From Sydney To Perth – And It's BYO – And You Can Vape

**ERROL PARKER** | _Editor-at-large_ | Contact REX is back from the brink this week and keen to put the dog up Qantas and Virgin by taking on one of their most popular and profitable routes. From this summer, REX will be doing a 15-hour milkrun across the country in

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Tony Burke Listens To His Lebanese, Chinese And Bangladeshi Constituents And Vows Tougher Stance On Indians

**IMRAN GASHKORI** | Sports Editor| Contact Immigration Minister Tony Burke was due to speak at the National Press Club this week but has had to postpone due to work commitments. It's understood by _The Advocate_ that the government has "heard" and "understood" the public as

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Jetstar To Begin Charging Passengers $15 Per Slash And $35 For A Log

**WENDELL HUSSEY** | _Cadet_ | CONTACT The more hated half of the nation's airline duopoly has this week confirmed its commitment to the bit. Fresh off the back of announcing they plan on offshoring a fuckload of jobs, Qantas Group has revealed that their budget airline

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One Nation's Victorian Candidates Off To A Great Start With Plenty Of 'Globalist Digital IDs' Chat

**CLANCY OVERELL** | _Editor_ | CONTACT Pauline Hanson has this week answered the most pressing question in Australian politics. What does a Victorian One Nation candidate actually look like? Most Australians had no idea that One Nation even existed outside of Queensland and rural New South Wales. However,

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Nambour High Alumni Says Here’s How You Deal With These Fucken Redneck Queenslanders

**SANDY FRASER** | _Youth_ | CONTACT Last night, former PM Kevin Rudd appeared on the ABC's 7.30 to discuss his views on US-China relations, the AUKUS agreement, and the current rise of Senator Pauline Hanson's far-right minor party. One Nation

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Cocaine And Sex Work Seek To Distance Themselves From Australia's Degenerate Sportsbetting Industry

**WENDELL HUSSEY** | _Cadet_ | CONTACT A couple of notable Australian economic sectors have today made a strong statement. In a joint release from the peak Cocaine and Sex Work Industry bodies, the two groups have sought to distance themselves from Australia's 'poisonous' sportsbetting

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Barnaby Joyce Deposits 300k From His Super Into Newly Made Sportsbet Account After Hearing How The VIPs Get Looked After

**WENDELL HUSSEY** | _Cadet_ | CONTACT The man aspiring to return to his role as Deputy Minister has today made quite a splash. Former Leader of the Nationals Barnaby Joyce has revealed this afternoon that he we will need to be making a rather substantial update to his

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Report: Blokes Just Having A Quiet Beer Stay A Bit Too Long And End Up In Pub's Nightlife Facebook Album

**ERROL PARKER** | _Editor-at-large_ | Contact A couple blokes this week have ended up on a local pub's nightlife photo album after a quiet beer turned into a few. The blokes, who are old mates, had been meaning to catch up for ages. Both are flat out at

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Blokey Mental Health Awareness Podcast Takes Short Break To Endorse One Of The Leading Causes Of Male Suicide

**INGRID DOULTON** | _Lady Writer_ | CONTACT 'The Uncancelable Podcast' with Warren and Dipstick have never had much structure to their program, but one thing that is for certain, they do not shy away from FREE SPEECH.

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Anko Pervert Glasses Sell Out In Grim New Low For Society

**ERROL PARKER** | _Editor-at-large_ | Contact There were lines this week that snaked into the Kmart carpark in Betoota Heights as locals fought for their spot to secure a pair of Anko pervert glasses. It is a stunning new low for our once-cosmopolitan desert community. The Anko pervert glasses

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Family Dinner: Recently Lebified Aussie Brings His Own Stash Of Garlic Sauce To Accompany Mum's Apricot Chicken

**CLANCY OVERELL** | _Editor_ | CONTACT Betoota Hills-based student architect, Evan Mustard (23) has returned home for a family dinner this week, armed with an artillery of rich Mediterranean flavours in his new bum bag. The reason for this is to defend his taste buds from his

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Australia’s Fat Arse Sportsbetting Suits Starting To Get Really Pissed Off By These Actual Athletes

**CLANCY OVERELL** | _Editor_ | CONTACT The coked up and incredibly un-athletic white collar archetypes that make light work of the open bars at corporate tents for online sportsbetting brands - are getting increasingly frustrated this week. Between the lukewarm spring rolls and crown lager, there is a

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Angus Taylor Fronts Media To Reassure Them He Isn't Worried About One Nation At All, Like He Literally Doesn't Care, Fuck Off Okay

**WENDELL HUSSEY** | _Cadet_ | CONTACT The nation's Opposition Leader has today appeared in front of the cameras (of all creeds and colours) to confirm that everything is swell. Fresh off the back of a new set of polls which says that One Nation is currently

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Minister Confirms Dead Birds Go In The Red Bin, Not The Green Bin, As Bird COVID Kicks Off

**ERROL PARKER** | _Editor-at-large_ | Contact Ag Minister Julie Collins has all but confirmed this week that the nation is awaiting the arrival of bird COVID, which will trigger an unprecedented number of animal deaths around Australia. Speaking to the media in Canberra today, the Minister

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6 Simple And Easy Translation Tips For Real Estate Jargon In Modern Australia

**WENDELL HUSSEY** | _Cadet_ | CONTACT As the nation comes to term with the dystopian hellscape that is post 26 Budget Australia, a lot of strong chat is being thrown around. Thankfully for all the battlers out there, Australia's political, media and property profiteering classes are

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Pocock Lights Up His First Ever Cigarette And Exhales In Complete Silence After Learning That Online Sportsbetting Companies Have Been Providing Hookers And Coke To Suicidal Problem Gamblers

**CLANCY OVERELL** | _Editor_ | CONTACT It seems that Australia's culture of problem gambling is way, way worse than anyone could have ever imagined. That's according to today's Federal Senate inquiry into the Albanese government’s proposed gambling reform legislation.

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Local Woman’s Sick Voice Sadly Not So Husky And Sultry And More Like Frank Walker From National Tiles

**SANDY FRASER** | _Youth_ | CONTACT Betoota Heights local Chloe Parker (25) has spent the last few months somehow managing to evade the dreaded mid-winter illness. When she woke up yesterday morning, however, she immediately knew her time was up. “I could only breathe through

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Real Life Squid Games About To Kick Off

**WENDELL HUSSEY** | _Cadet_ | CONTACT The Korean stock market is currently mirroring the Wests Tigers NRL team. You could argue it is sinking as low as the Essendon Bombers AFL team, but it has recently experienced some relatively dizzying highs - so the parallel to the formerly Top

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Real Estate Agents Frightened By New Phenomenon Of People Buying Homes To Live In

**CLANCY OVERELL** | _Editor_ | CONTACT It seems that banning child traffickers and foreign drug cartels from laundering the proceeds of crime through Australia's housing market has only made things worse for the poor property investors class. This comes after treasurer Jim Chalmers decided that an

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Scientist Who Invented Baby Wipes That Come Out One-At-A-Time Dies Mysteriously

**ERROL PARKER** | _Editor-at-large_ | Contact Queensland Police have their work cut out for them this week after a prominent Betootacone Valley scientist was found dead. Dr John Wise, the chief technology officer at hygiene startup One Fucking Wipe At A Time, was discovered by joggers shortly after 9am this

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Local Bloke Set For His Own Odyssey With 16 Schooners Tonight, Followed By 12 Rental Inspections, A Baby Shower And In-Laws Birthday Party Tomorrow

**WENDELL HUSSEY** | _Cadet_ | CONTACT A modern day Odysseus is preparing for his very own Odyssey this evening. Nearly 3000 years after the original voyage, and some weeks after the modern one hit screens, Craig Craigson is hitting the highest of seas. With an impromptu but high

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Lachlan Kennedy No Longer Fastest White Boy On Earth After Young Local Dad With 30 Minute Window For Schooners Shatters Record Running To Pub

**ERROL PARKER** | _Editor-at-large_ | Contact A father of two from our town's northern outskirts has this week reset the outer limits of human speed, he did it in a pair of Hush Puppies loafers and boot cut jeans. Nathan Corcoran, of Betoota Heights, was granted a thirty-

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Tools Down Everyone Let's Go To The Pub Because At The End Of The Day, It's All Just A Big Club And You're Not Invited

**ERROL PARKER** | _Editor-at-large_ | Contact It's Friday afternoon finally and like everyone else, our politicians and media professionals are down the pub bumping knees and trading laughs like normal people. Somewhere in Canberra, the sun is shining and the pints of Rockhopper IPAs are flowing. In the

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Italy Threaten To Boycott Next World Cup If FIFA Continue With Privatisation Push

**WENDELL HUSSEY** | _Cadet_ | CONTACT The Italian Football Federation has today drawn a line in the sand. The people in charge of the Azzurri have confirmed that they will be boycotting the next World Cup, if FIFA continue on this rampant greed fuelled quest to make as

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"Look At What's Happening In Spain Right Now" Says Geopolitical Expert Conveniently Ignoring Where Ceuta Is Located

**WENDELL HUSSEY** | _Cadet_ | CONTACT Betoota Heights man Tom Austin is fired up today! He's fired up most days, but today he is particularly fired up. Because just in case you useless sheep weren't paying attention, Europe is about to become completely overwhelmed

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Report: Industry Buying Wall-To-Wall Ads About Its Tax Bill Is Probably Paying Less Than It Could

**WENDELL HUSSEY** | _Cadet_ | CONTACT A bombshell new report has dropped this morning, revealing that a certain sector of the Australian economy might be playing silly buggers. The report handed down by the South Betoota Polytechnic School of Common Sense Economics has revealed that the gas industry

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Brisbane Brought To Its Knees As CityCat Skippers Prove They Weren't Fucken Bluffing About Going On Strike

**CLANCY OVERELL** | _Editor_ | CONTACT STOP THE BOATS: The lifeblood of the Queensland capital, the iconic CityCat ferry network, temporarily ceased operations this morning. All CityCats, KittyKats and KangaKats were docked between 8am and 10am, with services to "progressively return" throughout the rest of the

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Nobody In The Northern Territory Overly Shocked By Army Boys Punching On With Cattlemen

**CLANCY OVERELL** | _Editor_ | CONTACT In breaking news, it appears that the Pope is still Catholic. Not only this, but bears do indeed still shit in the woods. But above all else, the most reliable consistency on planet Earth is that Australian Defence Servicemen and Northern Territory

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