The early bird might get the worm, but the night goddess gets a black cloak made of stars and a flying chariot pulled by dark horses.

I refuse to age gracefully; I am going to age like one of those fairytale witches, only growing more powerful & notorious with each passing year.

Can't take out that coping mechanism, it's load bearing.

Ways my cat is like a vampire: - sharp pointy fangs -looks handsome and youthful despite being very old - sleeps all day - must feed on the innocent in order to live

You deserve the best. The foggiest of cemetery strolls. The silkiest coffin lining. The most haunted of castles. The fiercest of hellhounds. Don't let anyone tell you you're just a recluse the townsfolk tell stories about -you are an immortal countess with a horrifying secret.

Every day that I don't choose violence, just know it's because I had a very busy schedule.

Don't be a replacement for his mother. Be a replacement for the thing under his bed that he was afraid of as a child -mysterious, elusive, and probably from a hell dimension.

To have and to hold from this day forward, but it's a grudge.

You can't get ahead in this world without taking some risks. Investigate that eerie sound coming from the cemetery. Sneak into a haunted mausoleum. Take up necromancy. Life is too short to not pursue what you really want.

Don't be afraid to reinvent yourself. Leave your dull corporate job and take up residence in the hollow of a tree. Don a sinister cloak. Wander the countryside under a glowing moon, shrieking about portends of doom. Vanish into a cloud of mist when people approach you.

Any house can be a haunted house with enough unexplained disappearances, but only you can make it into a haunted home. Fill the bathtubs with blood, shatter all the mirrors. Make your presence known!

In case no one told you today: Your teeth look sharp. Your visage terrifies men. The crown of femurs atop your head is dazzling.

All bodies are good bodies. Take pride in your scales and razor-sharp claws. Your dozens of pulsing eyes, blacker than the void itself, are lovely. Don't be ashamed of your enormous tentacles, moist and writhing as you grope for a billionaire's yacht. To me you are perfect.

I miss the days when eccentric billionaires just collected their urine in jars at home and left the rest of us the fuck alone.

Eat the cake. Buy the books. Master sorcery. Hex a nemesis. Ride a dragon off into the sunset. Life is too short not to treat yourself.

You're in her DMs. I'm in an amulet she enchanted and used to entrap me. No seriously, anyone got a reversal spell? So cramped in here. Send help.

"I hope this email finds you well" • bland • sets a tone of benevolence • conveys a sense of warmth "I hope this email finds you or I will" • spicy • sets a tone of malevolence • conveys a sense of peril

good news: my body is a temple great news: it's a temple to a horrifying tentacled elder god

Karma is such a deadbeat. The worst people are having the best time ever.

Nothing better at the end of the day than coming home, letting my hair down, taking off my bra, shedding my exoskeleton, unfurling my tentacles, unhinging my jaw, and devouring my prey.

I can relate to the San Andreas Fault because I am also under an alarming amount of stress and rapidly approaching a breaking point.

Demon who possesses me: What's that weird uncomfortable feeling? Me: Oh you mean that ever-present sense of doom? Demon: Yeah, wtf? Me: That's been there, bruh, shoulda looked before you leaped.

Where do people who don't spend time alone in their car on a freeway do their screaming?

It's always: • baby • sweetie • darling And never: • devourer of souls • unspeakable fiend • bringer of oblivion

Some people will judge you for changing. Ignore them. They're just jealous they haven't mastered the arcane craft of shape-shifting and can't transform into a horde of deadly scorpions.

Add some drama to any evening by getting a little buzzed, ordering a little treat, forgetting about the little treat until the doorbell rings, and then jumping off your couch in a panic at the threat of human interaction.

Leaning towards dropping out of society to join a colony of bats. Gonna be pretty sweet lurking in a cave all day to avoid the sun and frolicking under the moon after everyone goes to bed. No more emails or meetings, just me and my new bat friends owning the night.

Them: are you ok? Me: sorry, I'm just having a really bad life.

Trying to change him: - time consuming - high effort for low reward - adheres to traditional gender roles Changing him to stone with a terrifying glare: - immediately satisfying - low effort for high reward adheres to traditional witch lore

Chaotic parents are always like "I'd do anything for my children!" Be a functioning adult? "Anything but that!"