Elbridge Colby, UnderSecWar / Yale JD (satire)
@bridgecolbysatire.bsky.social
I'm the Pentagon's head policy guru (chief “undersecretary”) as well as the world’s most brilliant military strategist, cheese aficionado, and debonaire bon vivant. Like a finely aged Gruyère, I'm complex, subtle, and totally awesome. (satire)
We prefer the velvet-glove approach to Russia. In fact, SecDef of War Pete Hegseth volunteered me to go to Moscow and give Vladimir a foot massage. I’m pretty stoked, working on my finger strength if anyone has some pointers.
POLITICO Europe@politico.eu · 2mo agoKyiv’s allies will try to convince Donald Trump at the G7 today that a tougher line on Moscow is the fastest way to end the war in Ukraine. Washington may not be on board. Brussels Playbook has more 👇
Indeed, the pose of a heavily contemplative man deep in thought.
Adam Kinzinger@adamkinzinger.substack.com · 2mo ago
At first I thought this might be a pic of the uniforms soldiers have to wear to the UFC fight at the White House. Sigh, a guy can dream…
Ken Klippenstein@kenklippenstein.bsky.social · 2mo agoOil execs’ advice to consumers struggling with high gas prices: “Drive less.” www.kenklippenstein.com/p/let-them-d...
We’re actually turning the place into a sweet tiki bar with a slip and slide. OANN and MyPillow Network will have passes but not the rest of the weenies in the “press” corps. (Also, like the “b” in “dumb” we just discovered there’s a “p” in “corps” which is crazy so we’re changing it to “corz.”)
Kyle Griffin@kylegriffin1.bsky.social · 2mo agoAs the United States wages Trump's war with Iran, the Defense Department has just designated its press office a classified space and banned journalists from accessing it to meet with the public affairs officers who have traditionally answered their questions.
Pete just doesn’t get enough credit for his sheer consistency. He’s been into racism and misogyny so much longer than most of the MAGA newcomers, Proud Boys, etc. He’s OG on keeping bloodlines pure and filled with American testosterone because he loves this country so damned much.
The Daily Beast@thedailybeast.bsky.social · 2mo agoPete Hegseth has struck down promotions for at least two female and two Black male Navy officers.
I assume the troops will be shirtless, too. It’s a tough job, but I will volunteer to put oil on them beforehand so they appropriately glisten in accordance with SecDef of War Pete Hegseth’s guidance.
Mother Jones@motherjones.com · 2mo agoIn preparation for Trump’s UFC fight at the White House next month, Pentagon officials are hoping to lure hundreds of troops to attend the event. The catch? Troops need to meet strict physical requirements, including weight and height standards, in order to be eligible.
Fake news! I so did not actually wanna go to China so I held up my own trip. Also, for the record, I dumped Alison senior year in high school before she dumped me. No matter what she or anyone else says. www.reuters.com/world/china/...
Pentagon official's Beijing visit in doubt over $14 billion US arms package for Taiwan, FT reports
Beijing is holding up a proposed visit by the Pentagon's under-secretary of defence for policy, Elbridge Colby, as China pressures U.S. President Donald Trump over a $14 billion weapons package for ...
reuters.com
Yeah, buddy, this list makes the 90s look super-cool again, almost as sweet as golf clubs and robber barons! thehill.com/blogs/in-the...
Entertainers unveiled for 250th US birthday bash on National Mall
An eclectic mix of entertainers is poised to join a massive bash on the National Mall marking America’s 250th birthday, which is being billed as a “once-in-a-generation celebration.R…
thehill.com
CIA gets all the fun. I keep searching the Pentagon high and low but haven’t seen one single gold bar. Bummer.
The Washington Post@washingtonpost.com · 2mo agoA former CIA official has been accused of stealing 303 gold bars worth more than $40 million from the spy agency and stashing them in his Virginia residence, according to a criminal complaint and current and former U.S. officials.
When it comes to pure raw Godliness, I think we can all agree that Thiel, Zuckerberg, and the Dear Leader Trump are a heckuva lot more alpha-Holy than this dude from Chicago with a name he made up himself as if he were ordained by god or something… www.wsj.com/world/pope-l...
Pope Leo Compares AI Threat to Biblical ‘Tower of Babel’
The head of the Catholic Church is adding his moral suasion to a growing backlash against the impact of artificial intelligence.
wsj.com
He’s not wrong when you factor in the Bermuda Triangle, which adds at least a few thousand miles to the 90 (non-sorcery) miles between Cuba and the closest member of NATO.* *Don’t worry, I’m still working on getting us out of it.
Aaron Rupar@atrupar.com · 3mo agoQ: Is there a role for NATO to play when it comes to Cuba? MARCO RUBIO: NATO is far from Cuba
Fake news! He didn’t *exempt* himself from the law. He IS the law.
Chris Murphy@chrismurphyct.bsky.social · 3mo agoMorning everyone. Do you know that your President just exempted himself, his family, and all his family's companies from our tax laws? You are subject to the law. Now he is not. No one should not pretend this is okay or normal. It's an ongoing constitutional crisis.
This is how you pivot to Asia, baby! Just have to plus up those sales! Wait, does that say “pause”? Must be a typo… thehill.com/policy/defen...
Acting Navy secretary: Taiwan weapons sales paused to ensure munitions for Iran war
Acting Navy Secretary Hung Cao on Thursday said the U.S. is pausing a $14 billion arms sale to Taiwan due to the Trump administration’s war with Iran. Speaking during a Senate Appropriations defen…
thehill.com
This is a very strong argument to install our fearless national security advisor, national archivist, and president pro tem of Venezuela Marco Rubio as president of a new vassal state that shall henceforth be known as TrumpLand Brought to You by MelaniaCoin.
Max Boot@maxboot.bsky.social · 3mo agoTrump threatens to attack Cuba. Cuba gets drones to protect itself. Those drones could become a pretext for a US attack. www.axios.com/2026/05/17/u...
I’m just gonna say it. We’re not freaking out about Lupita. Our issue is all the body hair on the men. According to the Western canon, they’re supposed to bronzed glistening specimens like Pete Hegseth and the buff, smooth-skinned military he’s creating in his image.
Lincoln Michel@thelincoln.bsky.social · 3mo agoThe right wing freakout about The Odyssey is kind of amazing. Now they're all mad that Odysseus doesn't go snorkeling off a yacht.
I don’t get what the big deal is. Kash is *always* the definition of serious and, er, sober. Very appropriate for a cemetery/memorial.
Kyle Griffin@kylegriffin1.bsky.social · 3mo agoBREAKING AP: When Kash Patel visited Hawaii last summer, the FBI took pains to note he was not on vacation. Left out of FBI's news releases was an exclusive excursion that Patel took days later when he participated in what government officials described as a "VIP snorkel" around the USS Arizona.
Yeah, buddy! Deal Team Six is so efficient we’re only asking for $500B more than last year for our annual appropriations. And we promise no Trump children will make a dime off high-dollar contracts for drones. A few tens of millions, maybe, but no dimes.
The Daily Beast@thedailybeast.bsky.social · 3mo agoThe 45-year-old defense secretary stars in a disorienting video that seems designed for schoolchildren.
Ha, “ceasefire issues”! Didn’t expect the lamestream media to help a brother out, but I’m gonna pass this euphemism on to SecDef of War Hegseth as soon as we’re done dunking his head in cold water to “wake” him up after his “liquid” lunch (it’s his warrior diet!).
MS NOW@ms.now · 3mo agoBREAKING: U.S. forces intercepted what U.S. Central Command described as “unprovoked” Iranian attacks targeting three Navy destroyers transiting the Strait of Hormuz. CENTCOM said no American ships were hit and that U.S. forces responded with self-defense strikes on Iranian military sites.
The $200M private donors gave for the $400M ballroom is the best $1B we taxpayers have ever spent.
Allison Gill@muellershewrote.com · 3mo agoRepublicans want a billion dollars for the ballroom now. That’s your money.
Yeah buddy, Ice Cube AND Cypress Hill in the same presser!!!
Aaron Rupar@atrupar.com · 3mo agoRubIo: "The top people in that government are insane in the brain"
He really missed the chance to go full Legend with the next couple of lines… You better check yourself before you wreck yourself 'Cause I'm bad for your health I come real stealth, dropping bombs on your moms
Aaron Rupar@atrupar.com · 3mo agoRubio: "They should check themselves before they wreck themselves"
Heck yeah, who doesn’t have a few side projects at any given time? I’m currently reading Plato in the original Roman, painting my collectible MarioKart figurines (collection up to 117!), and actively ceasing fire at Iran with low-grade munitions so they stop ceasing fire at us and our ships.
Aaron Rupar@atrupar.com · 3mo agoQ: In the last 24 hours, Iran has fired at us. We've fired at Iran. Is the ceasefire over? HEGSETH: No, the ceasefire is not over. Ultimately, this is a separate and distinct project.
What an asinine comment. Trump has telepathy, so he can beam in the directions in real time. It’s almost like this guy never even read my brilliant book, The Strategy of Denial.
Justin Baragona@justinbaragona.bsky.social · 3mo agoIf the plan doesn't involve warships, how are they being guided then?
Gotta spend money to make money! This works just like tariffs, we all get rich somehow…the details will be revealed in about two weeks.
New York Magazine@nymag.com · 3mo agoWe’re paying millions to make Pete Hegseth ‘secretary of War.’ Renaming the Defense Department has already cost about $50 million, and that price tag is expected to climb much higher.
I dunno about you, but I feel like I absolutely NAILED my glowering Blue Steel look in the pic below. I’ve been practicing it while the dork squad tells me about low inventories of blah blah blah can’t open some body of water or other. Look, it’s hard to focus when Kid Rock is kicking so much ass.
Yashar Ali 🐘@yasharali.bsky.social · 3mo agoFox & Friends co-host Brian Kilmeade, who has a relationship with President Trump and speaks to him privately, is asking why the Pentagon — currently being run by his former Fox News colleague Pete Hegseth — is holding up support for Ukraine.
Look, anyone who’s anyone knows that the only way to get the Strait of Hormuz open and win the Iran War (again I mean, because we’ve already won it twice a week for three months running now) is to build the Great Glorious for Make Benefit of Dear Leader BALLROOM!!!
Alt National Park Service@altnps.bsky.social · 3mo agoMAGA accounts are pushing Trump’s White House ballroom as the solution to last night’s shooting. A ballroom isn’t the problem here. Will every school get a ballroom to protect our students?
I dunno about all of y’all but I for one am super stoked for this ceasefire to end so the Dept of War can get back to the things it’s awesome at — namely War. I also hope everyone is like me and feels the patriotism running in their veins when they plunk down $86 to fill their tanks. America!
Al Jazeera English@aljazeera.com · 4mo agoBrent crude rises more than 7 percent as Washington and Tehran offer conflicting accounts on ceasefire negotiations.
Yeah but let’s be real, it’s waaaaay cooler how Tarantino wrote it! What’s in the briefcase!!?? Probably the souls of all the Republican senators who confirmed a guy like Pete for a job like SecDef, SecWar, Fifth Century Crusader, whatever we’re calling him these days…
MeidasTouch@meidastouch.com · 4mo agoPete Hegseth quoted a fake Bible verse from the Tarantino movie Pulp Fiction yesterday during a Pentagon prayer service
Back in the day, the OG Catholic Church fought wars, plundered countries, and had a kickass military. Now? Seriously, when was the last time they won a war. As soon as they start winning again — like America the “hottest” country in the world — maybe we’ll listen to them. War is peace, after all.
Aaron Rupar@atrupar.com · 4mo agoLeo: "The message of the church, the message of the gospel -- blessed are the peacemakers. I do not look at my role as being political. I don't want to get into a debate with him. I don't think the message of the gospel is meant to be abused in the way that some people are doing."
