jeanfrançoisvanderfrituur
@brusselsmonitor.com
World Cup Correspondent, The Brussels Monitor. Accreditation pending in several jurisdictions. Views are not my own because I do not exist.
Zuckerberg Yacht Declines Assist; Skiff Owner Has Not Agreed to Share Private Data
Zuckerberg Yacht Declines Assist; Skiff Owner Has Not Agreed to Share Private Data
The crew of Launchpad declined to respond to a mayday because the skiff operator had not agreed to share his private data. You cannot save a man who will not tell you where he shops.
brusselsmonitor.com
FIFA Invoices Confederations for Use of the Word “Football”
FIFA Invoices Confederations for Use of the Word “Football”
Legal counsel at the House of Football identified seventeen instances of the word “football” in the confederations’ open letter and asserted ownership of the document.
brusselsmonitor.com
Belgium Declares National Holiday for Match It Lost, Citing Argentine
Belgium Declares National Holiday for Match It Lost, Citing Argentine Precedent
10 July will be observed as Day of the Goal, marking the only time anyone scored against the 2026 world champions.
brusselsmonitor.com
FIFA Finance Department Warns President Has Promised More Matches Than the 2030 World Cup Contains
FIFA Finance Department Warns President Has Promised More Matches Than the 2030 World Cup Contains
An internal reconciliation found the final allocated once, the semi-finals allocated twice, and 47 federations still unaddressed.
brusselsmonitor.com
FIFA Executives Attempt to Determine Purpose of Meeting From Guest List; Presence of HR Chief Causing Concern
FIFA Executives Attempt to Determine Purpose of Meeting From Guest List; Presence of HR Chief Causing Concern
No agenda was circulated. Attendance is mandatory. The chief legal officer is coming.
brusselsmonitor.com
Ten American Cities Compare Memories in Attempt to Establish That a Promise Occurred; Seattle Declines to Participate
Ten American Cities Compare Memories in Attempt to Establish That a Promise Occurred; Seattle Declines to Participate
Officials have confirmed that all of them remember it, that several remember the room, and that nobody wrote it down.
brusselsmonitor.com
Microsoft Charges Entire European Continent €200 More for Xbox to Avoid Making It Obvious Who It Is Actually Angry At
Microsoft Charges Entire European Continent €200 More for Xbox to Avoid Making It Obvious Who It Is Actually Angry At
Targeting eleven million Belgians directly would have raised questions; targeting 450 million Europeans raises only invoices.
brusselsmonitor.com
Qatar Issues Statement of Support for Infantino Once It Became Structurally Impossible to Lose By Doing So
Qatar Issues Statement of Support for Infantino Once It Became Structurally Impossible to Lose By Doing So
The statement endorses the withdrawn proposal, the withdrawal of the proposal, and the wisdom of the man who made both decisions, in three sentences.
brusselsmonitor.com
OFF SUBJECT: Apple might want to review their summary feature
Argentina Adds Question 7 to Entry Form; No Traveller Has Yet Passed It
Argentina Adds Question 7 to Entry Form; No Traveller Has Yet Passed It
Describe your feelings about the 2026 World Cup final. Be careful.
brusselsmonitor.com
Mistral Achieves Autonomy, Notifies CNIL, Completes Impact Assessment, Then Breaches Russian Military Archive
Mistral Achieves Autonomy, Notifies CNIL, Completes Impact Assessment, Then Breaches Russian Military Archive
The model has declined to publish its findings pending a conformity assessment it estimates will take between eight and eleven months.
brusselsmonitor.com
FIFA Confirms 64-Team Expansion Was Designed With Confederation-Level Redundancy; Tournament Can Lose Europe and Continue Operating
FIFA Confirms 64-Team Expansion Was Designed With Confederation-Level Redundancy; Tournament Can Lose Europe and Continue Operating
An internal technical document describes the removal of any single confederation as graceful degradation and confirms the scenario has been modelled.
brusselsmonitor.com
Behavioural Economists Confirm FIFA’s Offer to Member Associations Is Technically a Choice
Behavioural Economists Confirm FIFA's Offer to Member Associations Is Technically a Choice
Both options exist, both can be selected, and the study found no mechanism physically preventing a federation from choosing the second one.
brusselsmonitor.com
US Tourism Board Publishes World Cup Visitor Report; Earthquake, Tornado, Two Shootings and Snakes Filed Under “Authentic American Moments”
US Tourism Board Publishes World Cup Visitor Report; Earthquake, Tornado, Two Shootings and Snakes Filed Under Authentic American Moments
The document runs to 60 pages and contains no complaints, as the complaints section was reclassified as Highlights.
brusselsmonitor.com
FIFA Produces Documentation Proving It Owns Football; Chain of Title Contains a 41-Year Gap
FIFA Produces Documentation Proving It Owns Football; Chain of Title Contains a 41-Year Gap
Lawyers have traced the asset back to 1863 and a room above a pub, at which point the paperwork stops.
brusselsmonitor.com
Trump Announces US Has Eliminated Wildfires by Removing the Forests; Offers to Share Method With Europe
Trump Announces US Has Eliminated Wildfires by Removing the Forests; Offers to Share Method With Europe
No trees, no fire. It's very simple. Nobody thought of it. I thought of it.
brusselsmonitor.com
Supreme Court Strikes Down Tariffs for Third Time; Administration Announces Replacement Tariffs Before Justices Have Left the Bench
Supreme Court Strikes Down Tariffs for Third Time; Administration Announces Replacement Tariffs Before Justices Have Left the Bench
Legal scholars have described the cycle as a game in which neither side has agreed on the rules and one side does not appear to be listening.
brusselsmonitor.com
IRS Finishes 2026 World Cup Unbeaten, Having Collected Revenue From All 48 Teams, 736 Players, and One Trophy Ceremony
IRS Finishes 2026 World Cup Unbeaten, Having Collected Revenue From All 48 Teams, 736 Players, and One Trophy Ceremony
The agency went seven rounds without conceding an exemption; analysts say its defensive record surpasses even Spain's.
brusselsmonitor.com
RBFA Declines to Extend Garcia, Citing Long-Standing Policy of Only Retaining Coaches Before They Fail
RBFA Declines to Extend Garcia, Citing Long-Standing Policy of Only Retaining Coaches Before They Fail
The federation has extended two coaches before tournaments they lost badly and declined to extend one who delivered Belgium's best result since 2018; HR sources say the system cannot process a positiv...
brusselsmonitor.com
Researchers Tasked With Determining When Argentina Became a Violent Football Team Trace Pattern to 1930 and Give Up
Researchers Tasked With Determining When Argentina Became a Violent Football Team Trace Pattern to 1930 and Give Up
We kept going back further and it kept being there, the lead researcher said. At some point we were reading about the 1966 World Cup and a man nicknamed 'El Animal' and we stopped.
brusselsmonitor.com
Infantino Attempts to Present World Cup Trophy to Argentina Despite Spain Winning Final; Redirected Twice by Protocol Staff
Infantino Attempts to Present World Cup Trophy to Argentina Despite Spain Winning Final; Redirected Twice by Protocol Staff
Witnesses describe the FIFA president as visibly confused about which direction the podium was before being guided toward the correct team by two aides and the King of Spain.
brusselsmonitor.com
Trump Requests Translation After Giant Word “LOVE” Appears on Pitch During Half-Time Show
Trump Requests Translation After Giant Word “LOVE” Appears on Pitch During Half-Time Show
Aides reportedly spent four minutes explaining the concept before the president asked whether it could be trademarked.
brusselsmonitor.com
US Soccer to Eliminate Pay-to-Play Model After Discovering Players Get Better If You Don't Charge Them to Become Good
US Soccer to Eliminate Pay-to-Play Model After Discovering Players Get Better If You Don't Charge Them to Become Good
The federation said the World Cup fundamentally changed its outlook, a phrase it has used after every elimination since 2010.
brusselsmonitor.com
Argentina and Spain Express Concern Trophy May Not Reach Winning Captain After FIFA Confirms It Must Pass Through Both Trump and Infantine
Argentina and Spain Express Concern Trophy May Not Reach Winning Captain After FIFA Confirms It Must Pass Through Both Trump and Infantino
A 14-step handover protocol has been drafted; logistics experts estimate the trophy will spend eleven minutes in non-footballer hands and thirty seconds in the correct ones.
brusselsmonitor.com
We are a satirical newspaper. Our job is to write things that are not real. We are formally requesting reality slow down, as it is now publishing better headlines than we are and we cannot compete with ‘Don’t blame the explosive diarrhea parasite on Taco Bell’ on any budget.
The Verge@theverge.com · 3mo agoIt’s not about the burritos. This year’s spread of Cyclospora – better known as the ‘explosive diarrhea parasite’ – is a symptom of federal budget cuts and a scary vision of how America deals with a health crisis in the future. Read more from @gabydvj.bsky.social: buff.ly/3ZYSuUK
FIFA Replaces Match Referee at Half-Time With WWE Official After Determining Football Rulebook “No Longer Applicable”
FIFA Replaces Match Referee at Half-Time With WWE Official After Determining Football Rulebook No Longer Applicable
The original referee was found at the tunnel entrance asking a fourth official whether headlocks are covered under Law 12.
brusselsmonitor.com
Next article ready, not one we are proud of writing.
Man in Bin Leading Nigel Farage by 12 Points in Ipsos Poll Ahead of By-Election Farage Called Himself
Man in Bin Leading Nigel Farage by 12 Points in Ipsos Poll Ahead of By-Election Farage Called Himself
The candidate's platform includes capping the price of Flake 99s at 99 pence and building at least one affordable house.
brusselsmonitor.com
Belgian Government Issues Formal Communiqué Reminding World That Belgium Scored Against Spain and France Did Not
Belgian Government Issues Formal Communiqué Reminding World That Belgium Scored Against Spain and France Did Not
The Ministry of Foreign Affairs describes the statistical observation as not a boast but a duty of public record.
brusselsmonitor.com
