Is this thing on?

Hello, a small reminder that I’m mainly on Instagram these days. You can find me here, should you wish: www.instagram.com/cain_unable?...

This pretty much sums me up.

Presumably this is Pac-Man for South Africans.

“You will be visited by three spirits.”

The Olympics are fine and yes Olympians work quite hard but my ability to get a Christmas dinner out on time while absolutely off my fucking face should be celebrated FAR more than it is.

-"I've spent the last bloody hour doing that thing to sprouts so they cook better." -"A little cross?" -"I'm fucking furious mate."

If Evri manage to get all my Christmas parcels to me undamaged that’ll be completely unpressiedented. Yes. *Lips on mic* Un-pressie-dented.

I forgot how hot Ghostbusters Sigourney Weaver was. *Rubs thighs*

I worked in a professional kitchen for like five years in the 90s so I’m actually legally entitled to refer to my Christmas lunch prep as ‘’mise en place” whatever my wife says.

Ho ho ho.

Made a coffee and I almost forgot to put booze in it. Phew.

Making this face all the way through Carry On.

We’re watching Carry On on Netflix. I’m pretty confident you can see some of the plot holes from space.

When you get a dog it’s a very short step from "No of course he won't be allowed on the bed!" to "We'll hang his stocking in the middle."

This bay is usually calm and quiet but today, full of kelpies.

Made actual eggnog because I’m wholesome as fuck me.

A Christmas story in 4 parts. Brought to you by the ineptitude of Morrisson’s. 🙄

Why is there a parking bay only for women with uneven boobs?

Me when I eat the bounty, toffee penny or dark chocolate toblerone for my family.

Christmas can begin.

Makes tea that’s incredibly weak and every time it’s in hot water it squirms horribly and blames someone else.

When a French person offers me something I don't want.

a man and woman are looking at each other and the man is saying `` no mercy '' .

ALT: a man and woman are looking at each other and the man is saying `` no mercy '' .

media.tenor.com

Time to watch Hans Gruber fall off the Nakatomi Plaza. 🎄

I’m near peak performance at this time of year.

🎶Driving home for Christmas, I can’t wait to see their faeces🎶 www.bbc.co.uk/news/article...

Cornwall charity Santa surf was cancelled after sewage discharge

The Santa surf event could not go ahead because of

bbc.co.uk

Me 40 minutes after running out of hyaluronic acid moisturiser.

Christmas Lego is out.

It’s the shortest dy of the year tody.

This time a decade ago I drove a shit car, I was close to getting divorced, I worked a job I hated, I was unfit, overweight & I was unhappy, but now ten years later, I've decided I quite like that car.