Very best of luck to @bevcraig today. I'm sure she'll make an excellent Mayor of Greater Manchester.

"I'm really sorry to hear about that. No problem, we'll refund your entry fee in line with our refunds policy." *waits* *Looks up their refund policy* "We don't do refunds." He could have just said...

Farage having a strop about not being invited to discuss social care provision, is like Harold Shipman giving out for being excluded from a debate on GP home visits.

Billy Billingham: "I was in the Special Air Service, deployed on direct action behind enemy lines." Jason Fox: "I was in the Special Boat Service, undertaking offensive amphibious actions." Andrew Tate: "I was in the Special Housing Unit, installing replacement windows."

I feel great today. Why do we even need the NHS?

It's time for orange makeup It's time to dress like shite It's time they both departed From the most terrible tasteful, lacking in graceful, all-time wasteful, simply disgraceful This is what we call The Muppet Show!

Quansah and Chalobah must be gutted.

I'm just surprised he didn't bring on Henderson and Trafford.

I don't suppose there's any chance that Argentina sent an intern to spy on England training?

As a side note, ‘they gave it their all’ is not mitigation; it’s a minimum requirement.

I have watched a million games of football. That was, quite possibly, the least enjoyable. Although on further consideration I’ll probably remember about a dozen Shrewsbury games.

Apparently, 'mistakes were made' when it came to procuring PPE. I assume that includes mistakenly awarding contracts to unqualified Tory politicians, donors and supporters. Which is of course an easy mistake to make during a pandemic, when greed seemed to matter more than lives.

"I've no idea who Jade Bollingham is, but I'm reliably informed this shirt is tax deductible!"

If he was a presidential rival, Trump would probably refer to him as Osama Bin Face.

Avengers Dissemble: Con Man versus Bin Man

"Unfortunately he had gone feral and we couldn't re-integrate him into the home, and he ended up living with my friend's parents in Preston."

"Feral my arse."

"Well I'd just been delivering on that estate where all the footballers live and when I got back to the depot, there he was in the back of the van."

"But where it says 'address' there isn't enough room for all of them."

Whatever happens, don't tell Danny Murphy where I am.

In the pub last night, a woman asked me whether I'd watched the film Apex. I said that I couldn't see the point. She didn't laugh.

All opposition parties call for a General Election whenever there is a change of PM and the incumbent government resists - regardless of what they said previously when the shoe was on the other foot. We've had the dance, so can we move on now please?

So, according to Trump, someone with a knife sneaked past security and made a 300ft long cut in the bottom of the reflecting pool. Without being spotted. And that's why it looks so terrible. Well, I for one believe him.

I really don’t understand why a man who proved a disappointment should receive much greater criticism than those who were (and are) happy to destroy the country for the sake of their own ego and financial gain. Very best of luck Mr Burnham, I fear you’ll need it.

Rather than a General Election, I think I'd favour a full investigation into Nigel Farage's finances.

"But I think the main takeaway from the result in Makerfield is that Andy Burnham is now in serious trouble."

So, the Australian VAR official has been cleared of making the ‘white power’ symbol, explaining it was an ‘involuntary twitch’. Here’s hoping he manages to avoid sudden onset stiff right arm.

I think I'd much refer a social media ban on people I find really irritating.

All this "it's a better World Cup when the hosts do well" is so much guff. Maybe better for the media, out there soaking up the atmosphere, but utterly irrelevant for all of us watching on telly.

Most of my dreams are stress-induced and horrible. But last night I became the first person to score four in a World Cup Final (albeit the veterans version). And the fourth was an absolute cracker, drawing much admiration from the TV panel. It was my weaker foot as well.