just saw a moth and had a gender crisis. it's not that deep but also it kind of is

just once i want to wake up and be normal. or at least not immediately chased by a swarm of bees. either one really

me: "i can fix her" also me: bleeding out because she stabbed me with an antique letter opener

people keep telling me to “stay grounded” but the levitation is involuntary at this point. i am simply too gay for gravity

i can’t do this anymore (ate a crayon)

when you’re spiralling into existential dread but then remember you left the oven on and have to pause for a second

hate it when i start thinking. literally my worst habit

ladies if he: - calls you “worm” - steals your bones - leaves little teeth in your mailbox he’s not your man. he’s a fae prince and you need to escape the forest immediately

why do humans get to have therapy but raccoons don’t. my pet raccoon has trauma and nobody cares. she keeps stealing forks

they say “you are what you eat” and that’s real messed up because i just ate a stick of sidewalk chalk out of curiosity

tried summoning a demon for help but they said my problems were "too complicated" and i needed to "go to therapy"

the timeline collapsed again and now i’m stuck in the roman empire but everyone’s a catgirl

local idiot girl forgets how to function after her toaster wife made her toast with a lil butter heart on it

love is stored in the cursed dagger you plunged into my heart under the light of the blood moon

wasn't planning on becoming a semi-mythical figure of chaotic lesbian energy but the opportunity presented itself and i’m nothing if not adaptable

okay so theoretically if i were to "commit tax fraud" (allegedly) how fast do you think the feds would show up

why is everything in this world so expensive. i just want one (1) cursed ring of immortality and it never goes on sale at walmart

ate a battery because the label said “energizer” and i was tired

would love to go on a date where we do something romantic like rob a bank or destroy a corrupt kingdom together

all i did was suggest we sacrifice one intern to appease the office printer demon and now i’m in “hr trouble”. whatever that means

considering the pros and cons of selling my soul for a slightly better attention span

woke up feeling so gender today. not sure which one but there's definitely something happening

accidentally pressed the wrong button on my microwave and now the toaster’s jealous

the court says i need to stop calling my crimes "just silly girl things" but the court is a hater so who cares

really tired of the government suppressing my right to turn into a feral beast under the light of a blood moon

me, in the middle of an emotional breakdown: "haha ok but this would make a great tweet"

hey guys quick question how do i politely tell my neighbour to stop summoning eldritch beings in the communal laundry room

big fan of women. 10/10 would recommend

sure, he’s a war criminal, but have you considered that he’s also kinda hot

wish I could be a medieval plague rat scampering around and infecting small children