Oktoberfest Unveils New 5 Gallon Beer Stein for Chicagoans “Tired of Fucking Around”

LINCOLN SQUARE — Citing hundreds of mustard-stained suggestion cards that read “MOR BEER” stuffed haphazardly into their suggestion box, the Chicago German-American Oktoberfest has announced they are

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Aaron Waters' Birthday Once Again Completely Upstaged

RIVER NORTH — Another anniversary of Aaron Waters' birth has come and gone, without fanfare or acknowledgement from his so-called friends. “I didn’t think that my birthday being August 15th would be

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BREAKING: Local Woman Not Doing Enough To Enjoy Summer

CHICAGO – News outlets have swarmed to the apartment complex of a young woman currently letting down not only herself, but the city at large. But it’s not about what she’s done, it’s about what she’s

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Tom Skilling Reportedly “Absolute Diva” on Set of "The Bear"

CHICAGO – A well-placed cameo can delight television audiences. Like Prince’s famous turn on New Girl, Carl Weathers on Arrested Development, or LeVar Burton on Community, fans love to see a

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Man in South Loop and Woman in Roscoe Village Engage in Long Distance Relationship

ROSCOE VILLAGE— The time is 7:07 PM. Zoya Munir, 25, gazes out the door of Le Sud awaiting her now boyfriend Karan Singh, 27. For the couple, tonight is a milestone; Zoya (from Roscoe Village) and

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Midsommarfest Promises More Deadly Pagan Rituals

ANDERSONVILLE – Grab your dog and fill up that totebag, because it’s Midsommarfest once again in Chicago’s folksiest neighborhood. This weekend crowds will celebrate the start of the summer solstice

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Schlitz Fan Devastated By Discontinuation Trying To Choke Down a Hamm’s

CHICAGO — For lovers of cheap beer, this has been a hard week as the Pabst Brewing Co.

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Harold’s Announces Eagle Is Back on Their Menu for the First Time in a Century

CHICAGO — Following the exciting news that two eagle chicks were spotted in a nest in a Chicago park for the first time in nearly a century, local fried chicken favorite Harold’s had even more

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Bewildered Chicagoans Emerge from Hibernation, Delusional About the Joys of Springtime Chi

LINCOLN PARK – As temperatures in Chicago topped 65 degrees this weekend, hundreds of stumbling, translucent North siders left their homes for the first time this season to descend upon the lakefront.

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With CTA Ousting Security Guards, Insecurity Guards Take Up the Post if That’s Okay With You No Worries if Not

CHICAGO – The Chicago Transit Authority, famous for good management and expert use of funds, has recently announced the layoffs of hundreds of security guards. These guards, most famous for scrolling

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Biker Going Wrong Way on One-Way Street Would Actually Love It if You Hit Him

LAKEVIEW – After several reports of a desperate looking middle-aged man recklessly biking the wrong way down one-way streets across the North side of Chicago, Mike O’Brien, 37, today confirmed that

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Co-Worker Who Is Really Bad at Their Job Also Really Bad at Improv

LAKEVIEW EAST — While co-workers have known for several fiscal quarters that Henry Huntington, 25, a Senior Account Executive at a multinational advertising agency downtown, is profoundly incompetent

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Chicago Remixes St. Paddy’s River Dye To Much More Stylish “Muted Sage”

Chicago Remixes St. Paddy’s River Dye To Much More Stylish “Muted Sage” DOWNTOWN RIVERWALK — This St. Paddy’s Day, the city of Chicago is looking to add a little more style to the yearly tradition of

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Woman Concerned Growing Dating App Radius Will Soon Reach Indiana

SOUTH LOOP—After swiping left on all eligible bachelors within 10 miles, Claire Maddocks, 34, is gradually expanding her match radius on Hinge in the hopes of snagging a bachelor from another part of

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Torn Between Congestion Tax or Dealing With CTA, Chicagoans Choose Standing Absolutely Still

RIVER NORTH – It can seem impossible to get around our fine city of Chicago these days. Between recently mandated ‘congestion-zone’ rideshare fees, unpredictable hijinks of the CTA, and negative

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New Years Rockin’ Eve Broadcasts from Chicago, Ball Drop Scheduled for 11PM CT Out of Habit

THE LOOP – New Years Eve, that awkward afterthought of a seasonal holiday, comes around the bend once more, this time sporting a distinctly midwestern feel. For the first time in history, “Dick

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Delivery Robots Given Santa Hats, Instructed To Mow Down Anyone Lacking “Christmas Cheer”

RANCH TRIANGLE – Currently outnumbering poorly trained doodle-mixes on the sidewalks of the most affluent parts of Chicago are food-delivery robots. You’ve probably seen them speeding along Halsted,

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Drunk Man Throws Open Window, Asks Passersby if He Missed TBOX

LAKEVIEW — The morning of the annual Twelve Bars of X-mas started dramatically for one local reveler when Evan “Scrooge” Skrougkowski, threw open the windows of his Lakeview apartment and drunkenly

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Chicago Genius Inside ICE: ICE Agent Once Again Eating Combos From Gas Station After Being Turned Away From Chicago Restaurants

BROADVIEW — For the past two weeks, some of Chicago Genius’ bravest 5’6” to 5’9” reporters have been embedded undercover within ICE patrols deployed across our city, to bring you stories from the

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Chicago Genius Inside ICE: Several ICE Agents Lost, Wandering Aimlessly on Lower Lower Wacker for Days

LOWER LOWER WACKER — For the past two weeks, some of Chicago Genius’ bravest and reddest-necked reporters have been embedded undercover within ICE patrols deployed across our city, to bring you

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Hidden Cove Is Closing and Yes – It’s Because You Sounded Pitchy on “Linger”

BUDLONG WOODS – “You know I’m such a fool for you…” can still be heard, flatly echoing off the empty walls of beloved Chicago karaoke hideaway, Hidden Cove. Neighbors were devastated to learn that

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