people who romanticize being a vampire seem to assume they’ll also be rich as a vampire. imagine having your same bank account but you can’t go outside in the day anymore and you’ll never eat food again

people from the bay area will be like be yourself! as long as its not like weird or unexpected in any way!

my favorite part of working a service job is using my secret superpowers to cause white men in the 55-70 age range to experience minor environmental inconveniences. they’re on to me but they can’t prove it

blue cause everybody comin at me that’s an astrophysics joke right there

guy on instagram live with a large suspiciously soccer ball patterned indent in his face: i was humiliated by my treatment at the world cup. this day of togetherness has been RUINED by selfishness and pride. uhhh i know people who were SERIOUSLY injured by fifa’s CARELESSNESS

me on my first day of being psychic: spirits are there any futures where Jessica takes back my client Clark? spirits: yes, but you should know if he stays single he could go on to collaborate with krispy kreme to make a cheerio like cereal with little donuts me: move on clark. you messed it up sorry

me: hi bella bella: FUCKING RED ALERT STAY AWAY FROM ME BITCH I HAVE MACE me: okay bella: where you goin :) me: uh me: so you do want to play then bella: yeah :) me: hey bella- bella: ILL FUCKING KILL YOU

a part of me will always find it kind of funny in a real sadistic way that every major platform or websites dev team will periodically be like :) we’re really excited to launch our new feature and then the platform will surge with people going HOW TO OPT OUT and MY VIDEO ON HOW TO DISABLE NEW UPDATE

when you get stared at by #babies as often as i #do, it stops #seeming like a coincidence

once when i was little i opened a sealed bag of lays and it was already empty. looking back i think i deserve financial compensation for that

saw some dudes out in the wild complaining that hockey is gay now cause of heated rivalry. i think if they knew about the sheer volume of hockey rpf on ao3 they’d have an aneurysm lmao

the guy who coined “like herding cats” right before his magnum opus: okay, what’s a universal experience

it sucks that i still see people supporting a large creator on this platform when they literally shot me with their death ray in 2017

there should be more people who never swear because the lengths necessary to demonstrate the strengths of their emotions is always so much funnier [angriest they’ve ever been] what in the sam hill [fearing for their very life] OH GOOD GRAVY [climaxing in bed] oh GOLLY linda

if i end up getting the opportunity to time travel and therefore saddled with the ethical responsibility to kill hitler, i don't think i could kill a BABY hitler. how would i even be so certain i have the right baby. killing a baby is just dark. i think i'd go for like. 16 year old adolf

you listen to indie music made by transfems and it’ll be like [industrial NIN type beat with a sneaker in a washing machine layered over it] MY MAKEUPS SMEARED WITH BLOOD/ I’M A FEMCEL CHUD [evil glissando] THE GOVERNMENT STOLE MY COCK/ I’LL BEAT YOU WITH THIS ROCK

realized that straight men who make jokes that gay men are consciously putting on the gay voice actually are shutting themselves out from a way funnier idea, that all straight men are desperately fighting against a powerful rip current of campiness desperate to burst out of then whenever they talk

americans when ronald reagan got elected for a second term: this is literally 1984

did anyone ever find out why bush jr always looked like a mischevious chimp that is trying not to let an uninjured firefly out of his mouth because it’s his little secret

the ghost of a soldier who perished at the end of napoleonic wars: oh boy, the man i haunt for being descended from the british soldier who killed me is attending the 1974 eurovision contest in the brighton dome. i wonder what song will win

happy 2016. 2016 gonna be my year. can’t wait to congratulate president hillary clinton on her win later this year. 2016 gonna be my year

me and the homies when we find the guy who decided to make every show only eight episodes

i mean, yeah. maybe. but i kinda doubt it

dentist: and this one with the hook we like to call the Widowmaker me, about to be put under: oh cool, yeah like Overwatch

researcher separated from me by plexiglass: [places a picture frame on the wall crooked] me: [simian howling] researcher: [scribbling furiously] subject appears agitated

i love the internet so much. someone will find the time between their two oppressive jobs just trying to keep the lights on to make themselves some dinner and post a picture of the meal and some wealthy white seventeen year old girl will be like “you shouldn’t post that during the Sudanese famine”

asexual dude who pretends to be interested in cuckolding so that he just doesn’t have to participate

Big Sister, projected on the massive screen above us: THE GAYS LOVE HALLOWEEN me, morosely: the gays love halloween Big Sister: HALLOWEEN IS FOR THE GAYS me, being given homework at 26: halloween is for the gays

i think one example of homophobia nobody talks about is that michelangelo is hands down the straightest ninja turtle