Spouse was breastfeeding at a restaurant and they kicked her out. "Sorry, no outside food or drink."

A little ironic that baby doesn't have the linguistic skills to recognize that half of pop songs are addressed directly to her.

Oh, your child has poo and pee diapers? Mine works exclusively in mixed media.

Gambling games or social media feeds are "variable reward systems", where getting a big positive hit only occasionally makes the game even more rewarding and addictive. You come back hoping for another hit despite all the frustrations. Anyway, baby stated smiling now and then.

If we just tell people how their kids can get through airport security, it wouldn't be secure anymore, would it?

Sorry baby, you ain't Superman. If you were actually falling spreading your arms real wide isn't gonna help anything.

Admit it, you keep the formula bottle out of the fridge for more than an hour too. But bacteria is no joke, so this is how we keep the formula cool a little bit longer.

Soon as she hits the diaper changing table, she pees. It's her preferred streaming platform.

When I first changed her diaper, I made sure to wish her a feliz ano nuevo.

Combo feeding? No, a beverage program centered around locally-sourced milk and a zero-proof cocktail of scientifically-engineered ingredients.

If you're looking for a Father's Day gift for the father of an infant, consider noise-cancelling headphones. Fits the trope of Father's Day gifts being electronics, and is lifesaving.

We got a breast pump. Baby is pissed that a robot is already replacing her.

New set of cloth diapers: $500. Used set: $25. It's like what they say about new cars: they plummet in value the instant you poop in them.

You might think you're hard, but nobody is as stone cold as a baby who will look you right in the eye and poop.

Every flat surface you can put a baby on has a warning IF YOUR BABY FALLS ASLEEP ON THIS THEY MIGHT DIE and it is very stressful. @cpsc.gov , when are you finally going to ban flat surfaces?

Oh, you show your newborn black-and-white cards somebody threw together in Photoshop? I only show my baby Mark Rothkos.

Nobody knows how Caesar was born--it should be called a K-section, because we all have a good image of how the Kool-aid Man was born.