I taught my kids about democracy tonight by having them vote on which movie to watch and pizza to order. I then picked the movie and pizza because I'm the one with the money.
My friend Joe recently went on the Dolly Parton diet. It really made Joe lean, Joe lean, Joe lean, Joe leannnnnn...
If anyone wants to sponsor me, I’ll be running a 0.002K this weekend to raise awareness for laziness.
Someone told me my clothes were gay. I said: "Yeah they came out of the closet this morning."
Apparently if you buy a cabbage from Coles you are legally obligated to also buy carrots and mayonnaise. It’s Coles law.
TWO TIPS FOR CHRISTMAS: 1. Forget the past. You can't change it. 2. Forget the present I didn't get you one.
For the first time ever in human history, Christmas is on 25/25/25. This phenomenon will never happen again.
I just sent my son to his room for saying Jim Morrison was a terrible musician. Sorry but we do not slam The Doors in this house.
Took my car to the mechanic because it was making a terrible noise. He removed the Mariah Carey Christmas CD, and now it’s fine.
He's making his list... He's checkin' it twice. He left it at home. He's texting his wife.
I'm not gonna lie, getting sucked into the Jumanji game for 30 years doesn't sound too bad at this point.
Me: “Please bring me a screwdriver.” Wife: “Flat head, Phillips, or vodka?” And that was when I knew she was the one.
If a king sleeps on a king-sized bed and a queen sleeps on a queen-sized bed, where does a prince sleep? On an heir mattress.
I’m working on a bunch of jokes about wind. They’re currently saved as drafts.
Met a 7-year-old at McDonald's. She stared at me and said, “Why are you so ugly?" I leaned down and whispered, “I can't tell anyone, but I came back in a time machine... I am you, from the future." She cried for 20 minutes straight.
Whoever salts the fries at McDonalds should be salting the roads.
Three golf clubs walk into a bar. The putter orders a beer. The wedge orders a tequila. The third one says, "Nothing for me. I'm the driver".
I run every day for 15 minutes. If I miss a day l add 15 minutes to the next day. This has truly been a game changer. Tomorrow I'm supposed to run for 3 months.
Vaping is weird... you walk past a group of dudes who look like gangsters but smell like strawberry muffins...
Killer whales have recently started attacking boats. Police fear it's Orca-nized crime.
I fired my fruit delivery driver today. I hate to let the mango but he was driving me bananas.
What happens if someone slaps you at a high frequency? It Hertz.
My girlfriend is leaving me after I accidentally broke her spectacles. She said she can't see me anymore.
