Tightened a screw in my apartment and then just wandered around my apartment with the screwdriver in case anything needed tightening.

Okay so here is my impression of Ronald Reagan if he got stuck in the backrooms. "Mr. Gorbachev, stare down this hall."

Can I explain this gap on my resumé? How familiar are you with the concept of Jumanji?

Dr. Doom: "DO YOU LIKE MY CLOAK, CAPTAIN AMERICA? I SEWED MAGNETS INTO THE RIM OF THE HOOD SO IT DOES NOT FALL OFF IN THE BREEZE. I GET COLD DESPITE BEING SOME KIND OF MECHANICAL MAN, YOU SEE. BEHOLD AS THE BREEZE FAILS TO DISRUPT THE VERY HOOD I HAVE BE-SEWN MAGNETS INTO. I SEW MY OWN GARB."

Odysseus: Truly this whole thing has been pretty odyssian. Really an odyssey. Some might even call it THE odyssey. I’m Odysseus by the way.” Cyclops: “Okay.”

It’s my job to stand on the sidelines with a microphone during the World Cup and make the “pmmffmp” sound whenever someone kicks the ball.

If I were Goalkeeper in the World Cup, I would simply do rapid cartwheels to and fro across the goal, creating powerful winds that would prevent the ball from ever entering the Goal Zone.

{randy newman voice} 🎵chewbacca friend in me🎵

You know all the regular cracker companies were panicking when graham crackers came out.

Scientist: {looking through microscope} This specimen is covered in microbes. Me: Oh so now they’re YOUR crobes?

Every time it cuts to the American team's coach talking to a player on the sidelines I like to imagine he's saying "remember don't touch da ball with your hands okay have fun"

So many movies are about either Spider-Man or The Mummy but never the same movie are they the same guy or what

Must suck to have to name your band these days knowing "Chumbawumba" is off the table.

Honestly don't even invite me to a ball unless you do it cordially.

I admit the post-credit scene after Toy Story 5 where a professor explains that the toys were never really alive because they do not have souls but because they were never alive they can never truly die made me choke up a little bit.

Guys what if I have been Steampunk this whole time? You'd never know.

Skeletor is a grim reminder of what would happen if skeletons could be buff.

I don’t want to crawl in a hole and die, I want to crawl in a hole and live in the hole. Maybe put a couple shelves in the hole. A rug.

Nice try Itsy Bitsy Spider but I am not pronouncing “again” that way

It took me and my team of grad students years but we have finally discovered an even longer division.

Here's to you, sauciers. Thank you for figuring out which foods go with which goos.

I have made the difficult and lucrative decision to pivot to AI. www.youtube.com/watch?v=J4hE...

Dan AI (2026)

YouTube video by CaptainHippo

youtube.com

It is nice to finally see these robots doing what they were built to do.

Bro, everything you touch turns to shit. Bro, King Midas would freakin' HATE you, bro.

Chef Gordon Ramsay was my father. Please, call me Regular Gordon Ramsay.

Artemis II: Houston, we are now flying by the far side of the moon, the farthest from Earth any human being has- wait a second, what is that? Me: {on the far side of the moon just trying to shit in peace for once} Ah, Christ.

First day as the social media manager at NASA! Wish me luck!!

If you like eating chocolate covered matzo, wait until you hear about just eating chocolate.

Glenn Boozan wrote a book and I got to illustrate it and it was very fun. "At Least You’re Not an English Major" is available now! Please buy multiple copies so I make a million dollars and/or just keep me in mind if you ever need illustrations.

I was hired to write a song for Project Hail Mary but I got fired after I sent in Eleanor Rigby with the "Eleanor Rigby" part changed to "Project Hail Mary."