if you lose an election you should have to give all your donors their money back

if you lose an election you should have to give all your donors their money back

cnn 24 hour roundtable debating whether this is hell

i have the best news, everyone. Chancleta has won every single election tonight, with approximately 99.8% of the vote. it gets better: you all did such a great job for him that he's decided any more elections in the future would only be pale imitations. so we're not going to have those anymore!

linkedin recommends i follow sandal to advance my career

he has joined your Zoom meeting 20 minutes late, just as its wrapping up, and wants to revise the agenda you sent out 5 hours ago

what do you think, should i pick up this cat

bought candy at the pool for a 13yo and she tried to give me cash. i was like nahh it's nbd, and she goes "girl i have seen your car." 13yo girls remain undefeated. you think you're talking to a child but you're actually talking to whatever gods used to send to punish mortals for their hubris

what do you think, should i pick up this cat

look it's time we focus on the most important feature of the Michigan senate primary: how i am taller than both Democratic candidates, by a significant margin.

look it's time we focus on the most important feature of the Michigan senate primary: how i am taller than both Democratic candidates, by a significant margin.

why does he look like a traumatized Victorian child asking if winter will ever end

You are a violent and irrepressible miracle. The vacuum of cosmos and the stars burning in it are afraid of you. Given enough time you would wipe us all out and replace us with nothing -- just by accident.

why does he look like a traumatized Victorian child asking if winter will ever end

And this is why we follow you.

dave wagner@davewagner.bsky.social · last wk.

if you ever start taking me seriously and get offended at something i say or do, it's very important that you realize i am often extremely and even stunningly stupid

MORTAL WOMBAAAAT

EMPATHY - It looks like she does not want to pick it up, Harry. Stop scaring her.

if you ever start taking me seriously and get offended at something i say or do, it's very important that you realize i am often extremely and even stunningly stupid

if you ever start taking me seriously and get offended at something i say or do, it's very important that you realize i am often extremely and even stunningly stupid

behold! it is your lucky day. you may make three wishes of this woodland gremlin spirit. you may ask for anything, provided you accept that each wish will be interpreted in the least charitable way possible and transformed into a catastrophic ironic punishment

i find all new mortal kombat movies unnecessary. the one thing i wanted from a mortal kombat movie was for it to yell "MORTAL KOMBAT" at me within 1 second of the start of the film and the first movie already did that thirty years ago

behold! it is your lucky day. you may make three wishes of this woodland gremlin spirit. you may ask for anything, provided you accept that each wish will be interpreted in the least charitable way possible and transformed into a catastrophic ironic punishment

the sheer gall of politicians who endorsed Platner (in most cases after the nazi tattoo story) making more endorsements in other races now. I'd change my name and move several continents away if my judgement failed so spectacularly and publicly.

the enormous pupils of chancleta see a million galaxies collapse and implode at once, all while he hears the weeping despair of a dead and forgotten idiot god who birthed them

idk why people complain about a male loneliness epidemic. are they not aware of how much mileage you can get just by listening to the news with another guy within earshot and just shaking your head and scoffing a lot

fleetwood mac singles are three minutes of blissful pop about how someone else in the band never fucking takes out the trash before the garbage truck comes on Mondays, followed by like 8 seconds of Lindsey Buckingham playing a virtuosic guitar part i couldn't play if i practiced it for a year

*prompt on my Outlook inbox at work* "are you enjoying outlook so far?" i mean, no, not really. it's work emails.

okay hear me out: what if i started wearing capes

i feel like "arrested for rape and human-trafficking charges" might be kind of important for readers but idk

one of my favorite baffling movie anecdotes is how, in Peggy Sue Got Married, Nicolas Cage gave his character an awful voice for no reason that sounded like a haunted gremlin from the Great Depression and refused to change it even after producers threatened to fire him