Day 1 starting a new book: I wrote 1000 words today! I am on fire! Day 2 starting a new book: oh no.

Since we already have the concept of “citizen’s arrest,” we should also allow for “citizen’s pardons.” Like, hey, my friend Lisa got a ticket for parking one half-inch over the painted line and that’s not right so as a citizen I hereby declare her $125 fine null and void.

In honor of spooky month, share a 4 word horror story that only someone in your profession would understand “Final edits due today.”

Cam Walker@walks30.bsky.social · 10mo ago

In honor of spooky month, share a 4 word horror story that only someone in your profession would understand “Hired, tired, wired, fired.”

I think I’m really good at having Imposter Syndrome, but maybe I’m really not and it‘s just the Dunning-Kruger effect.

Pro tip: Murphy’s Oil Soap is *not* a good substitute for shower gel. Unless you want to be really shiny and smell like a gymnasium floor.

I’m cradling one of my cats and singing “I Stole an F-16” to her like a lullaby, if anyone is wondering how I’m doing mentally today.

I think the reason I haven’t been able to sleep lately is that ghost in my room who plays the accordion all night. It’s true – I think I have a polkageist.

Sometimes I look at my dog and wonder if they know how lucky they are to never have to use an authenticator app to get a code to log into a different app that they were just logged into eight minutes ago.

Happy "First Sunday of American Tightpants Sportsball" to all who celebrate.

I got out of bed without crying today so I think I deserve a lil treat

I accidentally got colored chalk on my shirt. Three minutes later FDOT showed up and sprayed me down with a power washer.

Knowing that most if not all of my professional writer friends are far more prolific and successful than I am is actually a Good Thing, because getting to interact with people at the top of the craft helps to make me better at it as well. Or at least is inspiration to try a little harder each day.

You guys I already got the air fryer for Taylor and Travis off their Target registry so you're gonna have to get them something else.

If you tell me we're going out to "sample the local spirits," you'd better be very specific as to whether we're drinking whiskies or going on a ghost tour. Because buddy I've been disappointed in both directions with that offer.

Some of you never had to spend your childhood listening to old Tom Carvel pitch his Cookie Puss cakes on WPIX and it shows.

Post Grape-Nut clarity

Hallmark is charging like $7 for a card now and there’s no way I’m paying that. I guess I'm just gonna write ”sorry your whole family died in that gruesome plane crash and were cannibalized by the survivors” on an index card and stick it in my friend’s mailbox. I’ll draw a flower on it or something.

Me: hey I need you to print this document. My printer: yeah I’ll think about it. Me: and print it double-sided. Printer: ““pRiNt iT DoUbLe sIdEd” omg you’re so needy. Me: would it help if I said “please?” Printer: [ network connection lost ]

Increase a band: My Chemical Marriage

Write. Rewrite. Rewrite. Rewrite. Rewrite. Rest. Revisit. Rewrite. Rewrite. Rewrite. Assess. Rewrite. Rewrite. Submit. Move on. Write...

I just shaved my face and head for the first time in six days and it looks like I slaughtered an Ewok in my shower.

My favorite iPhone feature has the be the one where the front camera automatically shows me at my worst possible angle every time I open it.

I cleaned out my fridge and threw away all the old condiments but I kept the mustard because it was still good even though it expired months ago and I think there’s a Dorian Grey Poupon joke in there somewhere

Fun fact: the average American has eaten more SpaghettiOs® in their lifetime than the entire population of London in 1689.

YOUR EMAIL FINDS ME IN CRYOGENIC SUSPENSION ON A STARSHIP HEADED FOR ANYWHERE BUT THIS GARBAGE PLANET

Hey fun fact a bag of cat treats and a bag of cocktail peanuts look and sound remarkably similar at 2am when you’re stumbling into your dark kitchen looking for a snack.

Careers are stupid. I should have at least 30 free hours per week to work on domesticating the family of raccoons that live behind my house and training them to perform Gilbert and Sullivan songs. I‘d make little costumes for them and everything.

Me: hi, me again, so another hypothetical question: does my policy cover unsuccessful necromancy procedures? State Farm rep: why are you like this? Me: you're not being a very good neighbor, Jake. State Farm rep: please stop calling us.

okay officer I'm gonna need a lot more "yes, and"-ing and a lot less "how did you get into the giraffe enclosure"-ing

I don't know what kind of crisis management your brain does when you have to pee and sneeze at the same time, but it's probably not unlike an emergency on the bridge of the Enterprise: "Shields forward! Fire phasers! Close the proton torpedo tubes! Eject the warp core! EJECT THE WARP CORE!!"