Friend Who Doesn’t Drink Announces Plans To Buy Weirdest Fucking Soda Imaginable

MILWAUKEE—Stressing that he would much rather indulge in something flavored with huckleberry or an essence of sarsaparilla, Jason Torres, a local friend who doesn’t drink, announced plans Tuesday to b...

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Friends Always Trying To Set Up Single Woman With New Puzzle

LOS ANGELES—Saying they just wanted to see her happy, sources confirmed Monday that friends of local single woman Meredith Singer were always trying to set her up with a new puzzle. “Okay, don’t be ma...

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Lazy Bird Watcher Would Rather Just Watch Bird He’s Already Seen

PEABODY, MA—Admitting that he just wasn’t feeling that adventurous these days, lazy bird watcher Mark Edgar told reporters Tuesday that he’d rather just watch a bird that he’s already seen. “Sure, I g...

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Friend Doing Art Must Be Really Struggling

MILL VALLEY, CA—Expressing concern about the alarming number of creative endeavors over the past month, local man Jason Ulnar told reporters Monday that his friend who was doing art must really be str...

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Pentagon To Livestream Firing Squad Execution

In what would be the nation’s first public execution in 90 years, Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth announced the Pentagon would livestream Fort Hood shooter Nidal Hasan’s death by firing squad. What do ...

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Audubon Society Formally Excommunicates Penguins

NEW YORK—Condemning the semiaquatic seabirds’ heretical acts as an affront to the principles the organization was founded to sustain, Audubon Society officials released a statement Monday formally exc...

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What To Know About The Potential Russian Plague Outbreak

In the Russian city of Irkutsk, the death of a plague researcher from a mysterious illness has stoked fears of an outbreak. The Onion shares everything you need to know about the emerging situation. Q...

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