What's the best way to watch a fly fishing tournament? Live stream.

I went into an Apple store and farted. Everyone started glaring at me. I said, 'What? It's not my fault you don't have windows!'

Scared the mailman today by coming to the door naked. Not sure if he was more surprised by that or that I knew where he lived...

I grew facial hair without telling anyone. It's my secret 'stache.

Last night after a few beers, my friend asked if he could stay on my sofa. I had to explain to him that I'm married now, so that's where I sleep.

A platypus walks into a bar owned by a duck. He finishes his drink and asks for his check. Duck billed platypus.

The Spanish word for cat should be purrito.

🌌 Spokes on Saturn's B Ring Don’t get spooked by Saturn’s ghostly spokes! Today we feature a nearly two-hour timelapse of Saturn and its rings looping forwards and backwards. A day on Saturn is only 10 hours long, so two hours of observation covers quite a bit of its rotation. If you look…

I have a philosophy joke -- if I think it's funny, therefore it is.

Pink Panthers to-do list: To do To do To do, to do, to do To do, to doooo

Sorry I haven't been responding lately. I am on the mend. I got locked out of my house and had to squeeze through a small window, and now I have a really big pane in my butt.

Good Morning! (I see my assassins have failed...)

Yesterday I got hit over the head with a power tool. I was sitting quietly minding my own business and then suddenly... Bosch.

Went jogging and came back after 2 minutes because I forgot something. Forgot I'm out of shape and can only jog for 2 minutes.

What's the best thing that happened to you today? #BestThingOfTheDay

Thieves have muscles of steal.

Tacos... That is all... enjoy your night.

Why did Princess Peach Choke? Because Mario came down the wrong pipe #DocAfterDark

My wife is leaving me because I'm going bald. I'm not bothered; it's hair loss.

The alpha delta printer towers over its compact prey while their anime overlord demands perfectly calibrated tribute.

Sorry boss, I won't be coming in today for the big meeting, I told my manager. Why's that? he asked. Yes, very wise. I said.

Dad: What are the lion and witch doing in your wardrobe? Son: It's Narnia business.

My friend gets really upset when I call him a flat-Earther. He says the correct term is bulldozer operator.

*In the park* Stranger: Your dog is kind of unusual looking. Me: Haha, yeah, he's interbred. Duck: *waddles up* I'll tell you who else is into bread.

How's the diet going?' I asked my friend. 'Not good,' he sighed, 'I had 5 eggs for breakfast this morning.' 'Oh dear, fried?' 'No, Cadbury's.

My wife accused me of being immature. I told her to get out of my fort immediately.

What did sushi A say to sushi B when they met? Wasabi.

What's the worst vegetable to bring on a boat? A leek.

I asked the nurse if I could do my own stitches... She said: Suture self.

Most people would prefer to have the time off between Christmas and New Year, but I have a better idea. I'd like to have the time off between New Year and Christmas.