76 is too many trombones and I’m sick of pretending it isn’t.

I was going to write a book, but it turns out someone has already done that.

Cop: ”Have you seen anything unusual?” Me: “A dolphin with a hat once”. Cop: “I mean around here”. Me: “Nah they live in water”.

"Let's call it a day" - The inventor of the word 'day'.

When I was younger, I was given some wonderful advice. I’ve only ever forgotten it once.

FACT: Ducks, when on business trips, never drink red wine from hotel minibars, in case it shows up on their bills.

Having taken a straw pole, I've worked out that I'm definitely going to come last in the pole vault.

Brexit walks into a bar. The barman says "Why the long farce?"

I get visions when I'm angry. I seethings.

Take no prisoners! ...OK, one prisoner each...but that's it.

Last year was a sad year for my family. Last year my mum should’ve been celebrating her 60th birthday... but because of drugs, alcohol and other terrible decisions...we all forgot.

I once knew a Cyclops, but his name was Iain which always confused matters.

FACT: Any pigeon is a homing pigeon if you tie a boomerang to it.

My brother thinks that he is the best goalkeeper in our family. He hasn’t actually said it yet though, but I wouldn’t put it past him.

FACT: All butters float in water, except for Anchor butter.

If you think about it, we’re all obsessed with Blondie lyrics in one way or another.

FACT: The working title of Iron Maiden’s ‘Can I Play With Madness?’ was ‘Any Chance Of A Gig With The Specials?’

It’s amazing how many Formula 1 drivers appear in Scottish place names: Lewis Hamilton Eddie Irvine Stirling Moss Ayr Town Centre.

I’m pretty bad at building fences. Oops, wrong place for this post.

Man: I’m not saying anything without my lawyer present. Policewoman: You are the lawyer. Man: Exactly. So, where’s my present?

A flasher was thinking about retiring. In the end he decided to stick it out for another year.

In court: "Your honour, I’m here to dispute four of my five tickets Judge: "I see, repeat infractions?" Me: "OK I’m here to dispute ⁴/₅ of my tickets".

A sweater I bought was picking up static electricity, so I returned it to the shop. They gave me another free of charge.

To be fair, …I use blonde hair dye.

My mate who owns a heavy-duty tugboat is always really supportive. He’s a tower of strength.

The song The Wheels On The Bus was written in 1937, but motorised buses date back to the 1890s. So there was a 43 year period where people were just getting on buses with no idea of what was going to happen.

I hardly ever use the word 'seldom'.

For sale: 70/80s iconic Sooty and Sweep puppets. Any offer accepted - I just want them off my hands.

To cut a long story sho…

I sat near a quartet on the train and they suddenly - in unison - bellowed ‘EXIT’. - Four crying out loud.