It’s amazing how many Formula 1 drivers appear in Scottish place names: Lewis Hamilton Eddie Irvine Stirling Moss Ayr Town Centre.

I’m pretty bad at building fences. Oops, wrong place for this post.

Man: I’m not saying anything without my lawyer present. Policewoman: You are the lawyer. Man: Exactly. So, where’s my present?

A flasher was thinking about retiring. In the end he decided to stick it out for another year.

In court: "Your honour, I’m here to dispute four of my five tickets Judge: "I see, repeat infractions?" Me: "OK I’m here to dispute ⁴/₅ of my tickets".

A sweater I bought was picking up static electricity, so I returned it to the shop. They gave me another free of charge.

To be fair, …I use blonde hair dye.

My mate who owns a heavy-duty tugboat is always really supportive. He’s a tower of strength.

The song The Wheels On The Bus was written in 1937, but motorised buses date back to the 1890s. So there was a 43 year period where people were just getting on buses with no idea of what was going to happen.

I hardly ever use the word 'seldom'.

For sale: 70/80s iconic Sooty and Sweep puppets. Any offer accepted - I just want them off my hands.

To cut a long story sho…

I sat near a quartet on the train and they suddenly - in unison - bellowed ‘EXIT’. - Four crying out loud.

I went on a date with a blonde woman last night. "Do you have any kids?" she asked. "Yes," I replied. "I have one child that's just under two." She said, "I might be blonde, but I know how many one is."

With TalcumPowder comes TalcumResponsidility.

Me: "Excuse me, I want clothes for a toddler". Assistant: "Have you looked for 18-24 months?" Me: "No, just a few minutes".

FACT: Sea lions are faster than humans on both land and sea. So, if you face one in a triathlon, you really need to make up time on the cycling.

My friend told me he arranged all his herbs in alphabetical order. I asked: “Where do you find the time?” He said: “Next to the tarragon.”

I stole a minibus this morning. I took one for the team.

Bill Oddie was a bit annoying, but his wife Mel is pretty sound.

My great-grandfather got involved with some gangster dwarves in the 1930s. It mostly went smoothly enough, but they had their little spats.

I was walking along a street when I saw my mate, who only has one arm. I said: "Where are you going?" He replied: "I'm off to change a lightbulb." I asked him: "Don’t you find that difficult?" He said: "Nah, I've got the receipt.”

I saw a scouser running through Liverpool town centre wearing a cape and thought; what type of superhero is he? I then realised he hadn’t paid for his haircut.

My pet snail gets a bit embarrassed about leaving a slimy trail behind himself. And to be honest I can see where (s)he's coming from.

He didn't care who he offended or what his words could mean. He was anti-semantic.

Just made a chicken salad. ..... Little bastard didn't eat it.

When prog-rock guitarists start getting annoying punch them in the mid-riff.

Magician: "Is this your card?" Me: "No." Magician: "Is this your card?" Me: "No" Magician: "This one?" Me: "No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?"

Thinking of becoming a DIY dentist? Brace yourself.

I can't tell you how annoying it is trying to play Scrabble with greasy fingers. Words escape me.