BREAKING: Todd Blanche will reportedly soon have to defend in court why he redacted several emails in the Epstein Files in which Epstein and several others discuss Donald Trump’s “deformed micro penis,” “saucer nipples,” and “prolapsed anal sphincter.”

And everyone will party when Trump strokes out...

Donald Trump Is Pissed Biden's Funeral Might "Upstage" His Own

This week's Dada News headlines about Trump's funeral, his catering cart escape, Katie Phang's DOJ lawsuit, and more!

thehalfwaycafe.substack.com

BREAKING: Donald Trump’s declaration that the Strait of Hormuz is now American territory has backfired as hundreds of pregnant Arabs and other Muslims are traveling there to give birth to US citizen babies.

BREAKING: Texas GOP officials say Ken Paxton is "more Jesusy" than James Talarico because Paxton’s suspicious $9 million collection of real estate properties despite his government salary is “just like Jesus turning five loaves of bread into a feast.”

BREAKING: Stephen Miller reportedly keeps the temperature in the coffin he sleeps in at night at exactly 66.6 degrees.

BREAKING: A top MAGA website just published a list of 10 liberal actresses Trump staffer Steven Cheung reportedly believes would be hotter if they lost 15 pounds.

BREAKING: Climate projections of this year’s historically strong El Niño are projecting several “super hurricanes” forming at the exact latitude and longitude of Mar-a-Lago.

BREAKING: Donald Trump’s lawyers reportedly asked him in a meeting this morning, “You sue everyone, so why don’t you want to sue the people calling you an Epstein pedophile if you’re so insistent the allegations are provably false?”

BREAKING: Marco Rubio has reportedly threatened to stop wearing the Florsheim shoes Donald Trump gave him that are three sizes too big if Trump makes him ride the decoy plane one more time.

BREAKING: With Katie Phang and several pissed off federal judges poised to blow up the Epstein Files coverup just 3 days after his confirmation, Todd Blanche is reportedly worried his name will replace “Scaramucci” as an even more embarrassingly small unit of time of employment.

BREAKING: White House staffers say the ubiquitously bad and humiliating news for Trump—including Katie Phang’s legal wins, Iran’s defiance, the leaks about his plane decoy cowardice, and Democrats’ surging midterm blue wave—have led to him giving off “Jim Jones vibes.”

BREAKING: White House staffers say Donald Trump gets so many bribes from his favorite cyclosporiasis-tainted fast food suppliers for exemptions from FDA regulations that he “proudly announces to everyone how much money he just earned every time he has a runny diarrhea dump.”

BREAKING: Donald Trump’s young aide Natalie Harp reportedly passed out after spending 20 minutes in the unventilated food truck with him after he caught cyclosporiasis from a recent Taco Bell dinner, and she had to be carried onto the new plane with an oxygen mask.

I feel real sorry for Trump's closest aide, Natalie Harp, who has to deal with his repeat diarrheal infections.

Trump's Fast Food Diet Puts Him At Extreme Cyclosporiasis Diarrhea Risk

This week's Dada News headlines about Trump's excretory problems, Todd Blanche, closeted senators, and more!

thehalfwaycafe.substack.com

BREAKING: A GOP Senate candidate says he did not "intentionally" jerk off two men at once, but rather he was doing Donald Trump's trademark dance move when "two naked men appeared out of nowhere and ran into my fists weiner-first and got caught in my jerking motions."

BREAKING: The food truck Donald Trump used to sneak away from Air Force One is reportedly no longer used for food anymore after “fecal matter” was found inside.

BREAKING: A liberal billionaire reportedly bought the catering truck Donald Trump hid in, and says he will give it to the Democrats to sign Trump’s impeachment in.

BREAKING: For the first time in over two years, Donald Trump reportedly had no trouble staying awake while watching the girls’ events at his Patriot Games.

BREAKING: Following the Josh Hawley rumors, Missouri just got named “America’s 2026 Gayest State.”

BREAKING: Donald Trump is reportedly worried Joe Biden will die before him and have a much bigger, more culturally significant funeral than he’ll get.

BREAKING: A liberal billionaire is offering Josh Hawley $250,000 to publicly release his browser history.

BREAKING: Todd Blanche is reportedly worried he can’t trust any of his DOJ staffers, and suspects they’re all trying to collect evidence of his Epstein Files cover-up to whistleblow against him.

BREAKING: Katie Miller reportedly can’t get her husband to come out of his coffin since it was revealed she had a fling with Democrat Eric Swalwell.

BREAKING: Pranksters have reportedly put several life-sized cardboard cutouts of Mitch McConnell in the Senate’s bathrooms and stairwells to scare the other senators.

BREAKING: A homophobic televangelist from Louisiana claims the gay sex tape of his that just leaked is “a big misunderstanding” because he was “innocently doing the Trump dance when two naked men ran into my fists wiener first.”

BREAKING: Stephen Miller is reportedly so upset that the Internet is joking about his wife’s previous fling with Eric Swalwell that he has locked himself in his coffin and he won’t come out.

BREAKING: Todd Blanche is reportedly worried Katie Phang’s lawsuit over the Epstein Files will blow up his vile coverup, force him to resign in disgrace, and he’ll be remembered as the shortest-serving, most villainous attorney general in US history long after he dies in prison.

BREAKING: Donald Trump is reportedly furious at Todd Blanche because Katie Phang's lawsuit is getting closer to revealing all the Epstein Files Blanche has illegally covered up.

BREAKING: The brand new “Christian men’s gym” in Georgia that bans women so faithful men can have “lust-free workouts” just had its second “abomination crisis” in the locker room showers only five days after the first.

BREAKING: Bill Barr is reportedly relieved Todd Blanche got confirmed because now he's safe for at least two more years from being subpoenaed by the DOJ to explain why in 2019 he killed the NM investigation into Epstein's Zorro Ranch and rumors that many victims are buried there.