BREAKING: Elon Musk reportedly feels bad about how many billions of dollars have been lost by people investing in SpaceX’s IPO.

BREAKING: Donald Trump is reportedly so far in denial about his plummeting approval ratings that he has stopped watching even Fox News, and now spends hours every day scrolling through AI memes of himself.

BREAKING: Donald Trump posted several AI cartoon memes of himself today in which CNN's Kaitlin Collins thinks to herself in a thought bubble that Trump smells so good she wants to buy a perfume made out of his scent.

BREAKING: Top GOP officials are worried that, if they force Max Miller to resign, he'll start outing all the other violent woman-abusers and drug addicts in the Republican House caucus, and Democrats will win a bunch of safe red districts in the midterms.

BREAKING: Secret Service agents are reportedly now widely using Vicks VapoRub under their noses when working in close proximity to Donald Trump.

BREAKING: A brand new “Christian men’s gym” in Georgia that bans women so pious men can have “lust-free workouts” lasted just 6 days before three men were caught “violating Leviticus in the locker room.”

BREAKING: Jared and Ivanka Kushner are reportedly pissed the world keeps mass protesting against all their investment proposals, like the Albanian Epstein Island and the FIFA buy-in, because they have billions of dollars in influence peddling profits to launder.

BREAKING: Donald Trump reportedly had a nightmare last night in which he died and was buried under a tombstone shaped like a urinal, on which Americans paid $1 and tourists paid $5 to pee, with all proceeds going toward building wind turbines and monuments to Obama and Biden.

BREAKING: Several US and international golf organizations are reportedly working to ban Donald Trump from any official participation in the sport because of his "decades of confirmed cheating," as well as his recent effort to turn his courses into cemeteries to avoid taxes.

BREAKING: Secret Service agents are reportedly demanding extra “stench pay” when working in close proximity to Donald Trump because of his “excretory incidents.”

BREAKING: After Donald Trump asked his lawyers why Todd Blanche is making him look guilty of pedophilia, rape, and sex-trafficking by getting outsmarted in court by Katie Phang, his lawyers reportedly just stared at him for several moments until he fell asleep in his chair.

BREAKING: Cable news executives are reportedly hoping the Max Miller threatening-to-kill-his-wife-and-kid controversy blows over quickly so they can go back to spending all their time attacking Democratic candidates.

BREAKING: A reporter asked Mike Johnson at a press conference today, “Should we bother asking you any questions about Max Miller, Trump’s latest Iran deal, or his Capital One scandal, or have you not heard about any of them yet?"

BREAKING: A MAGA voter just had an epiphany that if Trump is capable of lying about the Reflecting Pool vandalism, Trump might also be capable of lying about having an Obamacare replacement plan.

BREAKING: Mike Johnson has ordered his staffers not to show him any reports or personally mention Trump’s latest scandal about Capitol One closing hundreds of his business accounts for blatant money laundering so he doesn’t haven’t to give the media a comment for a few days.

BREAKING: A viral MAGA midterm boycott petition has Trump voters and conservative influencers vowing to stay home in November if the Iran War is still going on and the Epstein Files haven’t been released.

REMINDER: If Dr. Fauci had let Republican voters raw dog COVID, enough might have died that Kamala Harris would be president right now.

BREAKING: Donald Trump is now selling an exclusive data service providing faster warnings for when he shits himself.

BREAKING: The Trump Administration is reportedly having trouble finding lawyers to hire who are chill about losing their law licenses for the dumbest lies and most petty prosecutions imaginable.

BREAKING: Several Texan churches with pastors who have endorsed Ken Paxton over James Talarico from the pulpit are complaining about plummeting attendance and “virtually zero membership” among Millennial and Gen Z adults, who the pastors call “naive, unrealistic, Woke libtards.”

BREAKING: 74-year-old John Cornyn’s testosterone level has reportedly risen to the level of a 25-year-old since March when he lost his primary and decided he’d start standing up to Donald Trump and publicly call out his party’s Trump Derangement Syndrome.

BREAKING: Donald Trump reportedly attended a prayer breakfast this morning, and, when he was asked what his favorite story from the Bible was, he said he just watched a movie about Jesus and then explained the entire plot of Christopher Nolan's "The Odyssey."

BREAKING: Donald Trump’s midterm strategy is reportedly to bank on his supporters being too stupid to realize that his policies have made all their problems in life worse.

BREAKING: Donald Trump is reportedly furious with Republican senators for not confirming Todd Blanche, and plans on upping his blackmail efforts to punish them for finally showing spine on something.

BREAKING: The secret feminist mafia who call themselves “The Clitorati” are reportedly launching dozens of “Republican twink” AI accounts online to catch the members of the GOP’s infamous “Closetocracy” in sex stings.

BREAKING: Todd Blanche is reportedly demanding Satan refund his soul that he traded in exchange for Trump nominating him as Attorney General because now the Republican Senate won't confirm him, and he feels Satan is not keeping his end of the bargain.

He'd have to release all the Epstein Files... 😈😈😈

Trump Won't Sue You For Calling Him A Pedophile Because He Can't

This week's Dada News headlines about the Closetocracy, the Tate Bros, the collapse of MAGA, and more!

thehalfwaycafe.substack.com

We all knew this was true, but the specifics are still bewildering

A White House Chef Says Donald Trump Eats Like A Revolting Slob

Help me make fun of the Trump Administration all day long.

thehalfwaycafe.substack.com

BREAKING: Top GOP pollsters are warning that Trump's directionless Iran War, chronic inflation, nonstop grifting, flip-flopping on Ukraine, demolition of D.C., and flagrant Epstein Files obstruction are leading to Democrats flipping Senate seats in NC, ME, OH, TX, AK, IA, and FL.

BREAKING: A top GOP official expressed frustration over GOP senators blocking Todd Blanche's confirmation because, "If everyone involved in covering up the Epstein Files and Trump's laundering of tax dollars got blocked, Trump's cabinet would have three people in it."