Tessera

Oglaf @oglaf.bsky.social · 5d ago

www.oglaf.com/spangles/

It's a comic strip!

panel 1
a man holds glittering nipple pasties.
He is in some sort of nipple pastie shop but they also sell shoes.
man- these sparkly pasties are more interesting than the nipples they cover

panel 2
man- Do you have- I dunno- really boring pasties?

panel 3
shopkeeper- I think you underestimate the interestingness of nipples

panel 4
man- but everyone has them
shopkeeper- yet somehow we're keen for someone else's

panel 5
man- Oooo- like you can make avocado toast at home but people still buy it?

panel 6
shopkeeper- Exactly!

two panels of an avocado dancing in nipple pasties

panel 9
avocado- Nipples! The avocado toast of sex!

Oglaf @oglaf.bsky.social · 2w ago

www.oglaf.com/easyanswers/

Oglaf @oglaf.bsky.social · 2w ago

Final 47 hours of our Book 5 Kickstarter (and counting)! www.kickstarter.com/projects/top...

Graphic of Oglaf Book 5 kickstarter campaign reading "Final Hours", with the FattyDevil saying "last stretch goal added".

TopatoCo @topa.to · 2w ago

WE are in the final hours of the @oglaf.bsky.social Book Five Kickstarter and we just dropped the last stretch goal, probably! Unless something wildly unexpected happens! www.kickstarter.com/projects/top...

OGLAF BOOK FIVE FINAL STRETCH GOAL!* Picture of two bumper stickers, one of a Bosch painting that says PLEASE DON'T TELL THE ALGORITHM ABOUT THIS and the other has Fatty Devil saying ASK ME ABOUT MY DIVISIVE OPINIONS

Graphic titled ALL PHYSICAL ORDERS ARE ALREADY GETTING ALL THIS with pics of the Oglaf Farmers Almanac, stickers, enamel pints, Skeleton Courier patch, and temporary tattoos

graphic titled IS IT POSSIBLE TO REACH $175,000 IN TWO DAYS with a picture of a mockup of Oglaf Book 5, Fatty Devil saying "Only one way to find out..." and at the bottom OGLAF5.COM

Oglaf @oglaf.bsky.social · 3w ago

www.oglaf.com/serpent-prin...

Oglaf @oglaf.bsky.social · 4w ago

www.oglaf.com/lavender/

Comic strip!
Panel 1
A woman in a furry coat, let's call her Woman 1, is speaking.
Woman 1 - we can try again at sex but you have to be cool

Panel 2
We see Woman 1 is talking to Woman 2. That's not Woman 2's real name, but 'Woman 1' is the first woman's name.
Woman 2- Definitely, definitely- I just panicked last time.
Woman 1- I know

Panel 3
Woman 2- I mean, I did go fetch all the furniture I threw out into the street
Woman 1- Thanks for that. Won't happen this time though, right?

Panel 4
Close-up on Woman 2
Woman 2- Nono- I just couldn't cope with how hot you were in those little pants. Had to channel the confusion.

Panel 5
Woman 1- So I'll be wearing REALLY UNSEXY UNDERWEAR this time

Panel 6
Woman 1 parts the robe to reveal a flower-covered top and bloomers.

Panel 7
Close-up on Woman 2. She blushes and shouts
Woman 2- Oh my goddddd. That's ecxactly what I'm intoooo

Panel 8
Furniture piles up in the street.
Inside the house, Woman 2 runs about, arms raised.
Woman 1 looks out, still.
Woman 10 I really should have checked first.

Oglaf @oglaf.bsky.social · last mo.

www.oglaf.com/damselfly/

Comic strip!

panel 1
a prince climbs through a window. A princess watches him enter.
Prince- Sure I could rescue you

Panel 2
Prince- but withing three months, ninety percent of rescued princesses are back inside a tower

Panel 3
Prince is really narrating this one now
Prince- at 'staircase down' we believe real change comes from accepting you're part of the problem

panel 4
Prince- and that's the most difficult part of the journey

panel 5
Princess- apart from the fire breath
Prince- The what?

Panel 6
Princess breathes fire, incinerating prince

Panel 7
Princess stands over smouldering prince skeleton

Panel 8
ghost of prince hovers over the smoking bones
Prince- I have to accept, on some level, that I needed that to happen

Oglaf @oglaf.bsky.social · last mo.

www.oglaf.com/love/

Oglaf @oglaf.bsky.social · last mo.

Sorry folks, we've had a big computer crash and are having to recolour today's strip. Gonna be a late update.

Oglaf @oglaf.bsky.social · last mo.

Yesterday we launched a kickstarter to print Oglaf Book 5. It's going pretty good! www.kickstarter.com/projects/top...

a devil gives thumbs up and says 'hell yes'
larger text below says 'hell maybe'
the devil is in front of a kickstarter campaign page but you can't see the amount, which is annoying.

Oglaf @oglaf.bsky.social · 2mo ago

www.oglaf.com/goodideas/

Comic strip!
panel 1
a king with a long face speaks
king- okay, this might be really dumb but has anyone asked the crimson overlord to stop?

panel 2
we see that we're in some kind of war planning situation.
Well, there's a table with little figurines on it and a map.
so it's ether that or games night.
king- He's conquering and slaying but maybe he thinks we want that.

panel 3
general- Why would he think we want that?
king- probably he doesn't

panel 4
king- but a small group of heroes might make it up the dark tower and tell him we don't like it.

panel 5
general- You woud send those heroes to their deaths
king- aw come ooooon- send the worst four people in your army

panel 6
a shot of four adventurers.
one of them, who I'm going to call 'Rigby'speaks
Rugby- Cool. Secret mission.

panel 7
Rigby and friends battle monsters that are sort of like huge naked moke rats but with way more eyes.

panel 8
Rigby and friend battle their way into a doorway.

panel 9
close-up on Rigby
Rigby- Crimson Overlord! People don't like getting slain!

panel 10
green tyrant- you might have the wrong dark tower
Rigby- Shit
king-

Oglaf @oglaf.bsky.social · 2mo ago

www.oglaf.com/dexterity/

Oglaf @oglaf.bsky.social · 2mo ago

oglaf.com/pinchybouquets/

Comic strip!
Panel 1
A pale yellow landscape hosts a face-off between a woman and a giant scorpion. You mean giant as in big for a scorpion? No. This is the size of a car.
anyhow, sorry-
Panel 1-
Scorpion- Sorry! Sorry! I didn't choose this!
woman- what?

Panel 2
Scorpion- I didn't ask to be a huge scorpion but I am. Claws and stinger are what I have to work with.

Panel 3
woman- So you're going to sting me to death for lack of options?

Panel 4
Scorpion- I don't like it any better than you do.
Woman- Well don't do it then. Open a florist or something.

Panel 5
Scorpion- Wait you can just do that?

Panel 6
Market tent. It's a florist's and the scorpion stands behind the counter. A man browses the flowers.

panel 7
The man holds up flowers
Man- These jonquils are pathetic

Panel 8
The scorpion leaps at the man, stinger to his face
Scorpion- Shut the fuck up don't ever disrespect the flowers

Panel 9
the man lies on the ground foaming at the mouth
man- You're... a terrible florist...
Scorpion- Not from the flowers' viewpoint.
Flower- Damn straight

Oglaf @oglaf.bsky.social · 2mo ago

www.oglaf.com/surpriseparty/

comic strip!
panel 1
A woman speaks to a man
woman- Can I grab your dick when you're least expecting it? That's what I'm into

panel 2
man- Sure. But I'm kind of expecting it now

panel 3
woman- Oh, it isn't going to happen now.
It isn't going to happen soon

panel 4
woman- It will happen WHEN YOU LEAST EXPECT IT

panel 5
the man fights spiky green enemies of some sort.
he stands on a big chunk of cracked masonry.
It's what, underground? It all seems very green for some reason.

panel 6
the man looks down

panel 7
man- Still sort of expecting it

panel 8
we see that the woman has slithered up through the crack in the masonry and holds up a hand between the man's legs.

woman- Fuck's sake

Oglaf @oglaf.bsky.social · 2mo ago

www.oglaf.com/calculus/

Oglaf @oglaf.bsky.social · 3mo ago

New Oglaf: www.oglaf.com/freebird/

Oglaf @oglaf.bsky.social · 3mo ago

New Oglaf: www.oglaf.com/risk/

Oglaf @oglaf.bsky.social · 3mo ago

www.oglaf.com/settle/

Comic strip!

panel 1-
some kind of motley troubadour strums a lute
troubadour- At last, the hero we've waited for

panel 2-
man in armour strikes a heroic pose
there's text over the top in a little square box, rather than a speech bubble. This is supposed to indicate that the troubadour's song continues over the top but I'm honestly not sure if that's clear
troubadour(offscreen) - A hero who dared and strove

panel 3
hero slumps.
Troubadour pops his head in, just to make thngs clear
troubadour- Initially

panel 4-
hero sits at home drinking
troubadour(offscreen) - A hero who couldn't sustain it

panel 5-
hero slouches next to a huge dragon
troubadour(offscreen) -who puts in a distracted bare minimum

panel 6-
hero listlessly stabs dragon.

panel 7-
Dragon unexpectedly drops dead
troubadour(offscreen) -but triumphs anyway.

panel 8-
Hero strikes a heroic pose over dead dragon
troubadour(offscreen) -For no clear reason

panel 9-
a bunch of people we've never seen before hoist the hero onto their shoulders. All seem happy.
troubadour(offscreen) -a hero who is all of us

panel 10-
troubadour stands in front of the hero who's now a king.
troubadour- when all of us are shitty

panel 11-
king- your music sucks
troubadour - that's 'cause I never practice

Oglaf @oglaf.bsky.social · 3mo ago

www.oglaf.com/hark/

Oglaf @oglaf.bsky.social · 4mo ago

www.oglaf.com/disengagement/

Oglaf @oglaf.bsky.social · 4mo ago

www.oglaf.com/christmasspe...

Comic strip!
Panel 1
Mary is Pregnant. Joseph gestures toward her.
Joseph- You said you didn't have any rooms, but what if my wife was very very pregnant?

Panel 2
innkeeper- She wasn't ten minutes ago.

Panel 3
Mary- That's the weird thin, see, I'm pregnant to God.

Panel 4
the innkeeper just stares at Mary and Joseph

Panel 5
Innkeeper- That really doesn't seem likely.

Panel 6
Joseph seems agitated. Mary, not so much.
Joseph- I'm telling you I got cucked by the divine!
Would I admit that if it wasn't true?

Panel 7
the innkeeper glowers at the couple

Panel 8
Mary and Joseph leave in a huff.

Panel 9
three wise men arrive.
wise man- We're after some rooms.

Panel 10
Innkeeper- We're full.

Panel 11
Pull out to reveal the wise men are pregnant.

Panel 12
wise man- Did I mention we're all pregnant?

Oglaf @oglaf.bsky.social · 4mo ago

www.oglaf.com/insomnia/

Oglaf @oglaf.bsky.social · 4mo ago

two pages! www.oglaf.com/toxicity/

comic strip.

panel 1- a yellow cobra says "you have discovered the wish-snake. What do you wish?"

panel 2 we see we're in a sort of pink forest and the snake is talking to a woman.
Woman- Oo! True love!
Snake- Nope

panel 3 is a close-up on the woman
Woman- What? You get a veto?

Panel 4
Snake- I'm the wish-snake, baby
Woman- Of course you are

panel 5
Woman- A golden palace?
the snake puffs out a little cloud.
Not enough that you suspect it's vaping though.
Snake- Ugh.Tacky. No.

Panel 6
Woman- In the stories, wish-granters aren't usually so judgemental.

Panel 7
Snake- Aren't usually the wish-snake.

Panel 8
Woman- True. Ummm...
Snake- Venom

Panel 9
Woman- What?
Snake- You should wish you can spit venom.

Panel 10
Woman- I don't want to spit venom
Snake- Well that's the only wish I'm offering

page two of the same comic

Panel 1
Woman- Well no wish then

Panel 2
Snake- No wish is not a wish I'm offering.

Panel 3 is just a pause

Panel 4
Woman- Can the venom be tequila or something?
Snake- Let me just check

Panel 5
The woman and snake just stand there, silent.
If this were a movie it would hold on them for like a minute in total silence.

Panel 6
Tavern. Woman sits at a counter next to a man.

Panel 7
Woman squirts yellow liquid from her mouth.
The liquid lands in some glasses.

Panel 8
Man- That's disgusting

Panel 9
Woman- I also shit chocolate mousse 'cause of a magic frog
Man- You need to stay out of the enchanted forest.

Panel 10
Woman- I know but I keep getting drunk and waking up there.

Oglaf @oglaf.bsky.social · 5mo ago

www.oglaf.com/slutfarm/

Comic strip, titled 'slutfarm'
A man stands somewhere rural and speaks to camera.
He's a sexy farmer. We contemplated putting him in a bib and brace but decided against it.
sexy farmer- We get the hottest farm hads to ream the earth with a plow shaped like a penis
panel 2- a sexy farmhand pushes a dick-shaped plow.
sexy farmhand- It takes way longer than it needs to.
panel 3- sexy farm-hand pours liquid onto stalks of wheat in a field.
caption- the wheat gets plenty of lube
panel 4.
sexy farmer and sexy farmhand wear lingerie and wield scythes.
sexy farmer- then we reap the fuck out of it
sexy farmhand- In deeply impractical clothes
panel 5
sexy farmer holds up a loaf of bread. Sexy farmhand eats a slice.
Sexy farmer- All to make a loaf of bread that...
Sexy farmhand- ...tastes no different to regular bread
panel 6
farmer eats bread. He looks distressed.
farmhand- We were sure it was going to be erotic somehow.
panel 7
Farmer has his face in his hands. Farmhand seems contemplative.
Sexy Farmer- We're fucked. We're the non-sexy kind of fucked.
sexy farmhand- Unless we can sell pity bread.
panel 8
sexy farmer- what?
sexy farmhand- I fuck lots of people I'm not attracted to out of pity.
panel 9
Farmer holds loaf of bread up. He seems desperate. In a sexy way.
Sexy farmer- Slutfarm Bakery. Please. Do a sexy farm a favour.
sexy farmhand- Buy ten loaves and I'll fuck you.
panel 10
Farmer hugs farmhand.
sexy farmer- Thanks man. That means a lot.

TopatoCo @topa.to · 5mo ago

Are you familiar with the judgemental stare of a cat? Nothing quite like it, a dog would not judge me the same way a cat would. Certainly not like this particular cat, that's for sure. 🙄 🐾 Topa.to/oglaf | @oglaf.bsky.social 🐾

A graphic of an enamel pin; it is a blue cat with it's arms crossed and a very judgemental look on its face. Above it reads "JUDGEMENT". It is against an orange background with drawn images of the cat's face zoomed in.

Oglaf @oglaf.bsky.social · 5mo ago

New Oglaf: www.oglaf.com/ruin/

Oglaf @oglaf.bsky.social · 5mo ago

www.oglaf.com/lolth/

Comic strip.
Panel 1- Lolth is a woman with a spider's body from the waist down. Sort of an arachno-centaur. Her human part is human-sized, spider part is enormous.
She's on top of a bed with a man in the bed.
Lolth wears a bikini top.
Lolth- It's me! Your favourite spider with tits! Have you heard that you eat five spiders a year in your sleep?
(side note- there are lots of versions of that urban myth about eating spiders. We started with eight-spiders-per-year but settled on five because we couldn't fit any more panels in)

panel 2- Close-up on Lolth
Lolth- It's true! But lemme tell you, they're not the smart spiders

we then go to a montage of spiders going into sleeping peoples' mouths.

panel 3
a spider stands on a lip, a strand of silk floating upwards from its abdomen.
spider- I'm gonna ride the updrafts!
caption- Rudy. The thrill-seeker

panel 4
A spider stands in front of a sleeping person's open mouth.
caption- Lucretia. Greedy.
spider- Apparently there's gold in their stomachs.

panel 5
a spider falls towards an open human's mouth.
spider- I'm so horny I make bad decisions.
caption- Robert. Male black widow.

panel 6
a spider stands on a sleeping person's nose.
A group of spiders hold up a dead spider, preparing to throw the spider into the person's mouth.
nose spider- We commit her body to the mouth as per her wishes.
caption- Hesta. Already dead.

panel 7
a spider dangles on a thread over an open human mouth.
caption- Neil. Thought it was a myth and went to investigate.

panel 8
montage is over, we're back with Lolth and bed guy.
Lolth- So now we've honored their sacrifice, who wants silky-milk?
Guy- What?

panel 9
lolth squirts cobwebby milk from her titty, like spider man probably does sometimes.
Lolth- Milk from my tits! It's silky and milky!

Panel 10
The man is covered in dripping cobwebs. He's horrified.
man- I don't want that.
Lolth- Nobody does. It's disgusting.

Oglaf @oglaf.bsky.social · 5mo ago

New Oglaf www.oglaf.com/accounting/

Oglaf @oglaf.bsky.social · 5mo ago

A selection of classic comic prints are finally available in our @topa.to store! topa.to/oglaf

Text reads classic comic prints now available over a montage of Oglaf comic pages.

Oglaf @oglaf.bsky.social · 6mo ago

www.oglaf.com/proverbs7/