Having been abused or neglected was not our fault. We did not "choose" that. The choices we make in trauma recovery are how we repair that damage & realistically build a life worth waking up to every day-- but that doesn't imply we were or are hurting due to "wrong" past choices.

Having no hobbies & taking no time to read & listen to things we like for no reason other than we like them, is an excellent way to stall & flame out in trauma recovery. We need as much dopamine & serotonin as we can get in this process. The things we like are recovery tools.

Trauma survivors can be real good at staying calm while everyone else is losing their goddamn minds-- & losing our goddamn minds when things actually slow down around us. Which can get complicated, when we start healing & the default drama level in our life starts to level out.

When we realize we're trauma responding, a useful "hack" for some survivors is stepping back & describing, in words, what's happening. That forces the left frontal regions of the brain-- the "coolant"-- to kick in & give us some structure to hang on to in the face of overwhelm.

Don't tell them how you're working your trauma recovery. Show them. Remember how cheap words are. Remember how performative this whole culture & world are. The point of trauma recovery is not to talk a good game-- it's to make concrete, realistic shifts. Many of them privately.

Realistic emotional regulation involves self-talk, mental focus, and physiology. Every regulation strategy involves some combination of these, & wrangling reactivity starts w/ checking in w/ each of them. What am I saying to myself? Where's my focus? What's going on in my body?

Feeling unsafe doesn't necessarily mean we're unsafe-- & feeling safe doesn't necessarily mean we're safe. Our feelings matter, they're valid & important, but we need to be clear & realistic about using them as a guide to reality. They convey data & truth. And, they have limits.

The self-acceptance that realistic trauma recovery asks of us is nothing short of radical. It challenges us to reclaim parts of ourselves that have been denied, suppressed, or shame. That's harder & more serious work than our abusers & bullies could ever fathom, let alone do.

The stories conditioned in us about fault & responsibility are very often BS (Belief Systems). Realistic responsibility & accountability are more nuanced than Trauma Brain will ever acknowledge. Push back on its simplistic, emotionally driven narratives. Breathe. Think.

Realistic trauma recovery work very often requires us to move between light & shadow. We need our hope, yes-- but we also need our darkness, our edge, even some aspects of our scars & pain. "Integration" in recovery work does not mean banishing any "part" of us. Ever.

If you're like me, you have some hard edges that haven't served you well in past relationships, personal or professional. That sucks, & we don't have to love those old patterns-- but we do need to acknowledge the role those hard edges played in keeping us safe once upon a time.

The most profound act of solidarity & rebellion you can do on the daily is take care of yourself, prioritize your safety & stability. That will fundamentally annoy, infuriate, & confound your abusers & bullies-- even if they're no longer in your life. Even if they're dead.

There's nothing shameful about getting yanked off task. Trauma hijacks attention like a motherf*cker. The skill involved here is shaking it off & coming back to center-- reminding yourself who you are, what you're all about, & what you're doing. Breathe, blink; focus.

Thank your angry "parts" for holding the certainty that you deserved better. They're right.

Your autonomy & dignity is more important than another adult's comfort zone. (Notice how Trauma Brain just told you that may be true for others, but it's not true for you? That's what trauma conditioning does: list reasons why you're The Exception. And never in positive ways.)

Learning to set & hold boundaries isn't something you should expect to be good at or comfortable with all at once. The fact that it's stressful & awkward doesn't mean anything negative about you. It means your skillset is a work in progress-- just like mine & everyone else's.

Being mean or cruel to you was not a demonstration of your bullies' or abusers' "strength" or "power"-- it was a confession of their weakness. And moving through the world like they do will be their ruin. Not your circus, not your monkeys. You just work your recovery today.

Trauma recovery asks us to fall in love w/ ourselves-- but not in a superficial or narcissistic sense. It asks us to fall in real love with ourselves-- love based on deep authenticity, visibility, & commitment. The kind of love that is more behavior than feeling. Agape, not eros.

Because we call it trauma "recovery" doesn't mean it's sunshine & rainbows, even after we "process" the trauma that got us here. You get to be as dark as you need to be, for as long as you need to be, without apology. Shadows & moonlight are as beautiful & necessary as sunlight.

The reason why trauma survivors who are actively working our recovery become so less vulnerable to shame is simple: we prioritize making peace w/ our own shadow, even as we heal the wounds that led to its creation. Hard to realistically shame someone after that shift happens.

Trauma survivors can be the most nuanced integration of introversion & wild you will ever encounter. Our interior worlds, the endless corridors of our Memory Palaces, dwarf the most complex labyrinths you can imagine. Make assumptions about us at your own risk.

Not everybody has to understand our decisions. In fact, if someone is not working a recovery, not getting real about goals & needs, not committed to seeing what they see & knowing what they know, they live in a different universe from us working our trauma recovery. Oh well.

Our confidence is not sh*t because we suck. It's sh*t because we've been conditioned to ignore & abandon ourselves every time our needs conflict w/ others' preferences. That's not our fault-- trauma responses are not choices-- & it's something we can work on, choice by choice.

It's perfectly okay to hate how we feel & choices we've made. Of course we've going to, these feelings & those choices suck. But in realistic trauma recovery we need to distinguish, consistently & intentionally, our conditioned feelings & choices from our essence. WE do not suck.

Your safety & stability is more important than winning any argument, proving any point, or putting anybody in their place. Do not, do not, do not get baited into putting your trauma recovery at risk because someone's being an asshole & deserves to be shown up.

Notice when you're bending over backwards to explain yourself to someone who has decided not to understand-- & push pause. Remember that one of your new trauma recovery "rules" is to not invest bandwidth in people or interactions that are unlikely to yield a return.

The goals & values the world will hand us & tell us to invest in may have f*ck all to do w/ what we care about, what moves & inspires us. That's the trap: us getting tempted or pressured to blow time & focus on sh*t that supports something, but not necessarily our recovery.

You're not "stupid, "lazy," or anything else Trauma Brain is calling you for not knowing what comes next in your recovery, what to do today, what you "should" be thinking about or working on. Breathe; back up; & check your basics. Focus on safety & stability today. Easy does it.

Realistic CPTSD recovery brings us face to face w/ what we needed most as kids, but never got-- not just in abstract, conceptual "trauma processing" terms, but in the day to day of how we talk to ourselves, how we think about ourselves, & what we believe about ourselves.

The suffering we endure w/ CPTSD is not noble. It is not redemptive. It is not "cleansing." Those who try to tell us that our suffering is a "gift" are wrong. We actually deserve recovery-- & we don't have to "earn" it by having a positive or passive attitude toward pain.