“You can’t park your Time Machine here! You’re blocking a school zone.” “I can’t move it, I didn’t install wheels, just sort of ski type things. You’re going to have to push me.” “Get back to the 19th century and learn about wheels & motors you dickhead.”

Finally, an accurate map.

I managed to take one of the bleakest most nihilistic Hollywood movies ever made, and turn it into nonsense. Ain’t I a stinker?

“I’m all for independence, but does this declaration need to use the word ‘motherfucker,’ so much?” “Just sign the motherfucking paper.”

“Oh it’s a dead alien!” “I’m not dead, I’m just napping.” “I can’t believe we found a dead alien during this voyage!” “I’m not dead, and I’m sleeping anymore. Will you two please get a clue!”

“I meed do dwill hoes in de nobe ob dis masg. Ibs bwokking my nosfrills amb I found wike a twid.”

“Hhhmmmph ffffmph ffferumph.” “What?” “Wafff?” “What?” “Wafff?” “What?” “Wafff?” “What?” “Wafff?” “What?” “Wafff?” “What?” “Wafff?” “What?” “Wafff?” “What?” “Wafff?”

While they knew Sammy had his suspicions, his family never admitted that he was adopted.

“Damn, this bus is taking frigging forever.”

“I don’t get no respect. The other day I told my psychiatrist that everyone hated me. He said it was nonsense, everyone hasn’t met me yet. My Doctor prescribed me Viagra & laxatives. I don’t know if I’m coming or going. The other night, the local peeping Tom booed me.”

Soon…

“There’s your problem, the gears are all gummed up with dust, and I might as well clean the tape heads while I’m here…”

“The female lead of my new James Bond novel must have a name that tells the reader she’s a strong independent woman, who runs an all lesbian flying stunt team. What should I name her? Plenty Vagina? No. Muchee Coochee? No. Lotta Beaver? No. Connie Lingus? No….”

“I must say Ruddiger, that your fanciful new invention has made huffing paint fumes so much easier.” “Thank you Cecily.” “By the way, what colour is this paint, the effect it’s having on me is most potent.” “Scheele’s green, your favourite colour.” “Capital choice Ruddiger.”

“Hey Theseus.” “What is it now Minotaur?” “Would you like some Bofa for lunch?” “What’s Bofa?” “Bofa deez nuts!” “You are such a jerk Minotaur!”

“Susan, Sea Monster! What’s going on here?” “Leonard, you’re home early!” “I should go… I don’t really do well in… emotionally awkward situations…”

“Susan, my name is Todd and I’m the negotiator with the police department. Please put down the gun, come out with your hands up, and we can prevent this mistake from becoming a tragedy.”

“Zed.” “Yeah Bob.” “Who designed this outfit?” “Zardoz gave it to us.” “Does Zardoz know how cold the wind gets around here?” “Don’t think he cares. He’s a flying stone head after all.” “My gonads have retreated so far, I swear I can taste my own balls.”

“Where the hell are we Rodan?” “How am I supposed to know? I was drinking as much as you.” “Also, where’s my car?” “I remember you giving the keys to a redhead at the bar. She was supposed to take us all back to the hotel.” “Oh hell no!”

“Seems we have an extra head here. Does anyone know who owns it? If you meet someone who is missing a head, tell them to contact the Committee for Public Safety, and it will be with our lost & found department.”

“My dearest Martha. I will be going into battle against the enemy at dawn. The feelings in the regiment are mixed. Some say our new commander is too young & inexperienced, but others say not to be fooled by the colonel’s youthful countenance…” - Letter written a soldier in 1743

You’re not the boss of me!

“Why did you call me all the way to Oa?” “We suspect that you are not using your Green Lantern power ring responsibly.”

“While I am grateful for the birthday wishes children, it sadly reminds me that you are all too dumb to understand a calendar. My birthday is in June, not March, you dead eyed little turdlings. While Billy cleans the board I will dispense today’s educational beatings.”

Q: Why did the sign company fire you? A: There was a mix up on the factory floor, some angry strippers stormed the factory, and I got blamed.

“Did I pass my driver’s test Mr. Jorgensen?” “What do you think Billy?”

Brother Theodore always wondered why the other monks toiling in the scriptorium were copying texts of importance. Great works of philosophy, theology, and science, while Brother Theodore was on his tenth edition of The Truly Tasteless Joke Book.

“Hey Bruce, did I ever tell you about this friend of mine who ate 9 cans of Alphaghetti in one sitting?” “No, what happened to him?” “He had to run to the bathroom and have the biggest VOWEL MOVEMENT the world had ever seen. HAHAHAHAHAHA!”

Ireland has found a unique way to cut down on drunk driving incidents.

Your reminder that over a 125 years ago, cocaine was given out like aspirin.