Auctober Day 7: Autistic burnout

I hit burnout several times in my life. 7th through 9th grade; 12th grade; Senior year of college; Age 29; Age 34; Age 44-46, this is the one where autism came into the picture. Adding up the time, I've maybe spent 8-9 years of my life in burnout. That... seems like a lot. At the end of the last one, it was about 20% of my life was spent in burnout.

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Auctober Day 27: Disability Pride

Saw a video asserting that autism isn’t a disability. For those us who identify with the symptoms but survive okay without support, that’s maybe true. Not like sufficient government or nonprofit or even profit supports exist for all the people thought to actually have it. So there's suffering due to a social incapacity. The lady pointed to what I'd ascribe as the double empathy problem.

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Auctober Day 26: Communication

I struggle with communication. I preferred written to spoken. There something about writing or typing my thoughts that slows things down to where I can better process them. Also, I. This digital age, I can edit my words before hit post. Probably this is why I have posted them online for 26 years. (Varying monikers including my real name.) But... Imagine spending 50 years of your life where almost everyone misunderstands you.

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Auctober Day 25: Stimming

My daughter does musical stimming. And vestibular stimming. The keepy uppy stim especially impressed me. She also chews her shirt, which we are trying to shift into other things. She will mess with anything small that gets into her hands like a pen or pencil. I used to doodle or pace as a stim. I have some keyboard and mouse fidgeting I might do if I'm in in an online meeting.

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Auctober Day 2: Alexithymia

I have a number of prior posts on alexithymia. Below are post names : an alexithymia quote from them. Note that interoception is the perception of my internal experience: hunger, thirst, needing to expel waste, happiness, anger, sadness, etc. Alexithymia doesn't perceive these totally normal things to feel or notice the emotional experience of others. Affect labeling : I don’t often have a clue what I am feeling.

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Auctober Day 24: Gold

In my AuDHD submission, I mentioned gold conducts energy. It's a good way to get electricity from point a to b. Because of that, it's popular to use it in transistors for computer processors. I feel like autists on the Internet conduct undiagnosed autists to better understanding themselves. More like conductors for the Underground Railroad leading autists to freedom. Some achieve brand fame and turn content into a business.

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Auctober Day 23: Individual

The biggest issue with a spectrum lies with the breadth. With so many factors and hyper- vs hypo- vs both aspects on each, autism really becomes a complicated thing. Each individual will suffer in different ways. Each will need different support. Part of that comes from comorbitities. People, especially neurotypicals, tend to approach concepts with simplicity. Supposedly the brain prefers it because running all the processing on complexity all the time uses too much energy.

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Auctober Day 22: Infinity

This makes me think of the Marvel Infinity Stones. There's a spoiler++ scene in the Loki series that applies so well here. As a math student, infinity seemed powerful,  god-like. Endless possibility felt overwhelming with opportunity. Like it broke the brains of my fellow students to come to grips. Most just avoided talking about it. Ultimately, for me, it came to represent the unknowing.

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Auctober Day 21: Spoons

Do not try and bend the spoon; that's impossible. Instead, only try to realize the truth… there is no spoon. Then you'll see that it is not the spoon that bends; it is only yourself. Spoon boy in "The Matrix." Neo needed to learn to let go of his logical grounding in his mistaken understanding of reality and face the truth that existence as he knew it was wrong.

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Auctober Day 20: Emotional regulation

Difficulty with this creeped back into my life a couple years into my marriage. As a bachelor, living with roommates, I developed strategies to deal with this stuff. Occasionally, I'd have work issues, but my bosses were understanding, and things structured in a way to solve the problem. Marriage is the first environment where accommodations didn't really work. So, it's the first time I'm having to deal with it mainly solo.

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Auctober Day 19: Safe Space

As a kid, I had a couple of safe spaces. Primarily, it was my bedroom, where I had my things. But, I also had one no one knew about: under the ramp to my father's workshop. Selling that house made me sad because it was giving up my old room and that workshop. What made my room special? First, my father used a door to make a desk in one corner.

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Auctober Day 18: Recharge

Sleep doesn't help me recharge. I feel like both autism and ADHD are forms of sleep disorders. Both impair it in different ways. ADHD shifts the circadian rhythm. Autism just reduces the quality. Recharging comes from interests. We need to do things we enjoy to recharge. That feels counter intuitive. Like, doing enjoyable activities should drain one of energy, so how does it recharge?

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Autistic Day 17: Hyperfixating

Something I usually conflate? Hyperfixating and flow. Hyperfixation in autism is characterized by an intense, prolonged focus on a particular interest, activity, or subject. During hyperfixation, individuals become fully immersed in their focus, often ignoring surrounding stimuli, responsibilities, and social cues. This complete absorption can cause them to lose track of time, neglect basic needs like eating or sleeping, and be less aware of others around them.

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Is AI Slop the New Spam?

Move over spam, here comes slop!

psychologytoday.com

Psychology says people with high-IQ, slow-processing brains usually say 8 things in casual conversation

You’d assume a high-IQ brain moves faster than everyone else’s. And some do. But there’s a subset that works differently, where the intelligence is high, and the processing speed is slow, and the comb...

bolde.com

Auctober Day 16: Music

Headphones isolate me from the world. Music piped into them can regulate and provide focus. Ideal times for that are when dysregulated from a terrible day, working on something mentally taxing, or post meltdown. What kind of music works depends on the situation. EDM for working a tough issue as there's few words and the repetitive beat creates a consistency. 90s grunge or metal when upset. Maybe hip-hop when I need a distraction. Photo by Andrea Piacquadio on Pexels.com

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Masked persona

Don't call me out like this. I've worked on my work masked persona for... 30 years now. Three different environments, but the current one for 20. It's probably part of why I am much more comfortable at work than with my immediate family. I have a well functioning mask at work. One that benefits me. I don't have a working one at home.

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Appropriateness

My wife doesn't like much of kid's television. For instance, Big City Greens. It airs on Disney XD, which is aimed at ages 6-11. It's basically PG Simpsons, which she also hates. She kind of pushes the daughter to more younger directed media. Of course, the movie she wanted to take the kids to was Coyote vs ACME. It doesn't strike me as better than Big City Greens.

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AToD: Movie stress

I used to love going to the movies. As a parent, it's sometimes a bunch of stress. Under the Autism Triad of Distinction framework, I may potentially experience: Emotional processing: Crying at inappropriate moments (1) Wife gets upset when running late (3-5) Sensory processing: Too loud (1-3) Sticky floor (1) Chair shaking from daughter somersaulting (1-3) Hangry before movie (1-5)

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Autistic Triad of Distinction

I found these videos helpful. Emotional processing Sensory processing Veracity I definitely need to work on using the third one's analysis.

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Half a life ago

When 9/11 happened 25 years ago, I was 25. Graduated from college, big boy job, developing my career, and figuring out how to deal with my video game addiction. I stayed up too late, going to sleep somewhere between 1 and 4 am. Dopamine for beating some goal could keep me awake for hours. At LAN parties that plus caffeine could get me to 9am.

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Convoluted pt.2

After Convoluted, we didn't learn. Today's crazy is that last night, my wife learned that her brother needed the goodie bags for the birthday party done. No problem. He asked for us to get her today. My wife went into a shame spiral on behalf of her niece. It's her birthday. Her brother isn't spending time with his kid on a birthday.

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The case of the disappearing secretary

What the last big wave of automation tells us about the one that's on its way

rowlandmanthorpe.substack.com

Always Tired part 2

While this is my normal state, I don't talk about it. I don't complain about being tired. I don't sigh. I don't emote. I just do what needs doing. I don't use it as an excuse to not do or ask for help. I know it's there as it's the first thing I always feel. But, I also know I have to dig underneath it for the real feelings.

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Always tired

The hours when I am not tired are fleeting. Like an Eskimo thinking about snow and ice, I feel different kinds of tired. Lethargic, ennui, fatigue, numb. This base state dates back as long as I remember, but there are good times when it didn't affect me as much. It gets worse under loneliness. For a long time I thought this normal. At other times, I considered myself broken. Or maybe just my sin. It is what it is.

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How do you know?

My wife will randomly ask how do I know some woman? It's usually from a like or comment on Facebook. Usually it's someone I have introduced her to, but she doesn't remember or connect a name with a face. I guess it's a not her social connection, so it doesn't merit retention, but I am stuck remembering all the social situations she's met someone trying to find one she will remember.

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Ghost in the meat bag

I love the Ghost in the Shell movies. I watched the original easily over 30 times. And Innocence around 20. The the Stand Alone Complex series at least 10 each. Definitely comfort movies and shows. The philosophy and cyberpunk nature obviously drew me to them. I am on my first watch post accepting my autism and realized there's an empathy I hold for these characters.

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Sleep deprivation

This post made me think about myself staying up until 2am reading in middle and high school and post-college playing video games until 1-3 am. Overstimulation at school I hate school so much, I'm not even bullied it's just a sensory hell hole to me. We aren't allowed to listen to music during class like ever unless we have a pass from the guidance counsellor, but I'm not doing that cuz then theyll email my parents and i have bigger fish to fry…

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A Spell for Chameleon

Daily writing prompt Which book have you read more than any other? View all responses Starting at Christmas 1986 when I received it, I re-read A Spell for Chameleon every time Piers Anthony released a new book in the Xanth series through Demons Don't Dream which was book 16. So, sixteen times. It was back in school where reading a book was more important than academic works.

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