Observers told reporters the shrieking baby was clearly oblivious to the fact that any distress she experienced in exiting her mother’s womb would pale in comparison to the fucking decades of tedium, misfortune, and humiliation yet to come.

Crying Newborn Has No Idea How Much Worse It Gets

MEDFORD, OR—Saying the infant really ought to save her tears for the real shit that’s headed her way, sources familiar with crying newborn Sophia Whitfield confirmed Monday that she had no idea how mu...

theonion.com

“The autonomy of the Office of the Attorney General is paramount, and I will defend it against any act, statute, ordinance, or even basic common-law principle,” said Todd Blanche

Todd Blanche Vows To Remain Fully Independent Of The Law

WASHINGTON—Assuring the American people he would not let the legal system sway his judgment in any decision he makes, recently sworn-in Attorney General Todd Blanche vowed at a press conference Monday...

theonion.com

Sketch for Foxriel

this is my goat OC Jet. what is bro BOPPING to????  #jrjresqArt #postybirb

I drew a little painting of @jordif0x.bsky.social LETS GO! Been working on render and on anatomy recently ^^ LETS GO! I love art ^^

BAAA Goat Day!

Autumn Goat 秋ヤギ@autumngogogoat.bsky.social · 2w ago

Tomorrow is goat day by the way 🐐🐐🐐🐐

“Female Americans, you are being called upon to serve the most important men in our country,” said Hegseth

U.S. Instates Military Wife Draft

WASHINGTON—Pledging to do everything in his power to ensure the mental and physical needs of his troops were being fulfilled, Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth announced Thursday that the United States h...

bit.ly

Iran War Enters 6th Justification

It me

LETS GO!! I'm so looking forward to my new sona! LETS GO! LETS GO! ^^ I want to paint my character more in the future ^^ I love art so much!! Thank you everyone ^^

Almost got in a fight on my run today. Bird was not happy that I was in their neighborhood.

Everyone In Oval Office Meeting Currently In Some Stage Of Stroke

Support your local library! Every time a new library card is issued, Jack gets a boner :3 make him so hard he explodes!

Comm for Eli

The Button

Trump Warns Iran To Accept His Ultimatum Or Face Wrath Of Next Ultimatum https://theonion.com/trump-warns-iran-to-accept-his-ultimatum-or-face-wrath-of-next-ultimatum/

It Only Tuesday https://theonion.com/it-only-tuesday-1819569397/

A24’s ‘Elden Ring’ Film Stalled After Red Phantom Named TwinkPunisher Invades Set https://theonion.com/a24s-elden-ring-film-stalled-after-red-phantom-named-twinkpunisher-invades-set/

Mike Johnson Struggles To Hold Speaker Gavel While Wearing Anti-Masturbation Mitts https://theonion.com/mike-johnson-struggles-to-hold-speaker-gavel-while-wearing-anti-masturbation-mitts/

“It may be hard to tell from where you’re sitting, but trust me, I’m not taking it easy in Dreamland,” said the 80-year-old Donald Trump

Trump Insists Frequent Naps Necessary To Protect U.S. Interests In Dreamland

WASHINGTON—Vehemently defending his controversial closed-eye moments, President Donald Trump insisted Monday that his frequent naps were necessary to protect U.S. interests in Dreamland. “It may be ha...

theonion.com

Gym Showoff! www.patreon.com/chunie/posts... subscribestar.art/posts/2555858

Mitch McConnell Clarifies Absence Due To Brief Planned Trip To Afterlife https://theonion.com/mitch-mcconnell-clarifies-absence-due-to-brief-planned-trip-to-afterlife/

Guy Violently Coughing On Bus Better Just Have Throat Cancer https://theonion.com/guy-violently-coughing-on-bus-better-just-have-throat-cancer/

Barack Obama Pretends To Be Canadian While Traveling Abroad https://theonion.com/barack-obama-pretends-to-be-canadian-while-traveling-abroad/

GOP Allies Claim They Met With Mitch McConnell Inside Body Bag https://theonion.com/gop-allies-claim-they-met-with-mitch-mcconnell-inside-body-bag/

Among giants 🌲 #art | #commissions

Study: 97% Of Average American’s Day Spent Retrieving 6-Digit Codes https://theonion.com/study-97-of-average-americans-day-spent-retrieving-6-digit-codes/

Supreme Court Trans Sports Ruling Adopts Originalist Vision For JV Volleyball Rosters

Supreme Court Trans Sports Ruling Adopts Originalist Vision For JV Volleyball Rosters

WASHINGTON—In a judgment the majority of justices said reflected the intentions of the Founding Fathers, the U.S. Supreme Court issued a 6-3 ruling this week that upheld state bans on transgender athl...

theonion.com

uwu

Waking to my office today, I saw another guy going towards his. He was wearing basketball shorts, a T-shirt, and shiny, polished dress shoes with no socks. I must know his story.