I don’t ignore phone calls. I review them later.

The Canadian wildfire smoke has officially disrupted my highly scientific decision-making system.

I don’t need fireworks. I need whoever decided potato salad was a “side dish” to explain themselves.

My search history is just me asking the internet to validate bad decisions.

If you think you’re a "people person," you just haven't met enough people yet.

My phone autocorrected “hope” to “nope.” Accurate.

“Quitting my job to become a beloved local cryptid that people leave snacks for.

Nothing unites people like collective trauma over tomorrow being Monday.

My hobbies include adding items to an online shopping cart, looking at the total, and closing the app.

“Touch grass,” they said. I touched it. It was wet. My friends are assholes.

My smartwatch buzzed: “You’ve been sedentary for 12 hours.” Thanks, I was trying to set a record.

I feel like I’m cosplaying as a functional adult.

The mirror doesn’t lie, but the front camera definitely gaslights us.

Just paid my bills and now I’m practicing the ancient art of ramen economics.

Socks vanish because they’re smarter than me.

Just paid my bills and now I’m practicing the ancient art of ramen economics.

A “fun team building exercise” has never once been fun, a team builder, or an exercise.

Not to brag, but my fridge has mystery containers with their own distinct ecosystems.

We invented weekends and then filled them with errands. Truly our own worst enemy.

We should normalize canceling plans as self-care and also canceling self-care as more self-care.

If I ever say "I'm five minutes away," please assume I am currently stepping into the shower.

Not to brag, but I didn’t need ChatGPT to help me enter a delusional spiral.

April Fools' Day: because lying to people needed its own holiday.

I put my phone on silent so I can ignore everyone equally and fairly.

My brain at 3 am solves quantum physics. My brain at 9 am can’t locate the coffee mug in my hand.

“Be the change you want to see” — me, changing the Wi-Fi password so the smart TV stops judging my choices.

My toast landed butter-side down and it felt like a metaphor for my entire existence.

Happy 3/14. The one day a year when being irrational is socially acceptable. The rest of the year, it’s just called “my personality.”

Autopay exists so your money can leave without the awkward goodbye.

I don’t ghost, I just let conversations achieve room temperature naturally.