World’s Only Evan Diem
@evandiem.bsky.social
Your friend’s cool friend. The mind behind the “Evan Diem” family of products.
Bought a second hand clock so I don’t know what time it is, but I do know when it’ll change.
The nap is the key that opens the door to being awake later
Horny Beths be like “we were hump rope glazers in the middle of the night”
Helping my friend with his Cyrano de Bergerac book report by hiding around the corner and whispering the plot of the story to him.
They call it the restroom because I feel like I’m about to spend the rest of my life here
Call me government-induced self-censorship the way I have a chillin effect 😎
When you’re at a sleepover with Matthew, Mark, Luke and John and they see you put on regular pajamas
Often thinking about what the world be like if Kanye had been too cool for the safe belt
Of course trans puppygirls love electronic music, so many of them are sub woofers
Just found out Pavlov had a dog named Angel who he conditioned to eat wings. So that’s where the phrase comes from.
You know the kidnapping plot in Labyrinth was all improvised? They simply put David Bowie near an underage girl and he just did all that!
The only neurotypical people who like me are white women who type “bahaha” when they laugh
Mr. Sandman: dude I’m freaking out right now Me: okay count five sheep you can see
The voice of every person who has ever covered The Book of Love singing in perfect, beautiful harmony: “The book of love is long and throbbing, it tells the story of my dong”
Shorty gave me that shit you only get once in a life time and yeah I’m talking head
When we were young we had Morrowind and Skyrim, now our parents are using phones in nursing homes. How our Elders Scroll into Oblivion. Sad.
Joni Mitchell voice I’ve clapped those cheeks from both sides now
Angel ringing bell for service at a restaurant: uhh can i get the wings?
Gulab jamun, gulab jamun in the name of the Lord
Leftist women wanna date me so bad just so they can put another black square on their instagram
Just found out Krav Maga is an Israeli martial art which explains why in all the instructionals the goal is to restrain your opponent so they can get sniped from a distant rooftop
Call her little lord Jesus the way she laid down that sweet head
I live my life to increase the percentage of the world population who will care that I died from .00000000243902% to .00000060975%
Girls be like “he has to know I’m flirting with him, I have been acting so bizarre every time he’s around.”
Her: is that a roll of quarters in your pocket or are you just happy to see me? Me, ridiculously turned on by laundromats: you’re never gonna believe this
White ladies love coughing and sneezing into their open palms