Post pub crawl we piled back to a mate's house where he promptly fell asleep. Rest of us took up the road signs, barriers and temp traffic light from outside his house & built it round him. Woke up in the morning to find a car had fallen in the unmarked hole in the road; sorry.

I'm pretty good with words. I know my there, they're and their, the difference between effect and affect, when to use it's and its, who's and whose, but I still haven't a clue when it comes to "whom."

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I haven't seen my teeth for years. I'm scared to look at them in the mirror.

My Mum used to send me to school with £1 lunch money. I used to go home for lunch while she was at work and save my lunch money through the week to buy Take That magazines at the weekend.

I am an actor. Quite a lot of actors can cry on cue. I cannot. However, I can shit on cue. But I have yet to find a project where that would be a helpful skill.

19 and prepping for my 1st marathon in the early internet days. Read a blog with tips saying to take on salts during the run. Didn't know it meant electrolytes so put table salt in water. Took a massive gulp at mile 3 and nearly threw my arsehole up. Crashed out at mile 5.

I know that I'm getting old because I'm increasingly finding that the clothes in places like Zara, H&M and River Island are absolutely preposterous whereas the stuff in M&S is pretty cool.

Chatted to a stunning girl at a bar in Zante, walked her back to her apartment and kissed at her door, she spent 20 mins explaining how she hated her room mates and didn't want to stay there. I walked 5 minutes back to my hotel. Only realised 2 years later whilst reminiscing.

As an illustrator, I set myself a rule that I would not interact with any business or service that uses AI art. This is becoming increasingly difficult and even my daughter's school are using it for posters now. We truly live in hell

The hottest guy I ever slept with could have been a model, but he was boring as hell. If you're average looking and funny, count yourself lucky

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My rich uncle died recently. Hospital thought I was devastated, spent hours with the body. Now I *was* upset, but really I was in there using his dead finger to unlock his phone & get all his passwords. Regret nothing, has made probate nightmare so easy.

As an IT tech, anything plugged into a wall somehow becomes our fault if it stops working after we've been nearby. Once, I stared at a microwave, declared it fixed, and left despite never finding the problem they described.

If my teenage son doesn't get up early enough for school I play the Birdie Song loudly in his room. Every time I listen back to Alexa chat history to hear him shouting "Stop!" with the song playing in the background. Makes me laugh every single time.

Training as a GP in the late 70s. I quickly read the notes for a patient as I walked in and said, "now it says here that you've lost a lot of weight, lately." And he had, because his left leg had been amputated after a car crash. He was remarkably good humoured about my gaff.

When I was in my late teens I went clubbing. The next day I woke up around midday to find a plumber in the bathroom fixing a 'leak', sorry mum and dad, I think I might have been that leak.

My adult stepson eats like a pig. Knife licking, open mouthed chewing, using fingers etc. I have been sending my best mate videos secretly taken at the dinner table to my best mate so we can both judge him. Its revolting. I will be single and homeless if my wife finds out.

Try putting a piece of bog roll in the loo before you pee. You have to cut it in half with your yellow lightsaber. If you can Jedi you are.

I'm 70% happy in my relationship but won't leave as I know I'll miss the dogs too much & end up stuck with the cats who don't give a shit.

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During COVID one of our work colleagues died of a heart attack and we were all invited to join the funeral on Zoom. About halfway through the service I noticed my screen name was Quizlamic Extremist which was set during a recent quiz night with friends.

It was only after my parents died that I knew, unequivocally, that there is no afterlife. It took those moments of their dying to realise that it's just a comforting story that we tell to children, and here I was at 40-something only just working it out.

My wife is getting suspicious because I'm staying up later than her to do things on the computer. I've actually got into prog and am streaming stuff and don't want her to take the piss

It was only following the death of Bonnie Tyler that I learned "Heartache" was not sung by Rod Stewart.

If you freeze Pointless just as Alexander is about to say "goodbye", his facial expression is that of a man straining to let go an enormous fart. I've done this literally hundreds of times and find it endlessly amusing.

I don't shave my armpits from the middle of September until the middle of May.

Former Wimbledon ball boy here. One of the big names was a right cunt. Every time I threw him the ball I threw it slightly too high or slightly too low. Felt guilty as at the end of the tournament he sent us a lovely card to thank us all and included a massive cash tip.

My job is so boring that I have to make a self-appointment in my diary for every single thing I need to do. It's the only way to drive myself forward, and to prove to myself that I'm working.

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