Don't forget to pretend you're mentally stable today.

Have you ever noticed that most people who are as attractive, witty and intelligent as I am are usually conceited?

We squint at the sun because it's bright. We squint at people because they're not.

I'll have you know I cannot be bought and I cannot be threatened. But, if you put the two together, then I'm your man!

I'm no architect, but I don't think it's possible to build a city on rock and roll.

If you don’t hate yourself by the time you log off, you’re not using the internet correctly.

Just found a bag of Doritos that expire tomorrow. Looks like I do have plans tonight after all.

My kids treat me like a god... They take very little notice of my existence until they want something

What happens if you get addicted to rehab? Where would one go?

I bet Oprahs areola's look like the dialing pad on a rotary phone.

My son knocked the dog's water bowl over and sent me a text. "I cleaned the kitchen floor today, can I have my allowance now?"

I make my coffee the old fashioned way. From the dark roasted bones of my enemies.

I’m ONE YEAR CANCER FREE! Cancer taught me to appreciate the people I love, stop sweating some of the stupid stuff, laugh more, and recognize just how much good life still has to offer. And apparently, <0.1 is now my favorite number.

I helped my clock masterbate and now I have a bunch of time on my hands...

Dear Mr & Mrs Timex; If I end up 660ft under water (as you were so kind to print on the back of my watch)......Im pretty sure that I won't need a watch.

I suggest you never raise your hands to your kids. It leaves your groin unprotected

I want to start a new site called eHarm, where you can really screw over the person you used to be in love with.

I'm not asking for a zombie apocalypse. Just a small deadly virus that wipes out all the people who are driving too slow in front of me.

I'm pretty sure that hummingbirds are meth heads that have learned how to shapeshift.

Thank god for marriage, cause if it weren't for marriage, us men would spend our lives thinking we had no faults at all.

When I pay $40 per year for Antivirus to look after my computer, why does it keep asking ME if programs are safe? I want my $40 back!

When people put pics of their vacation on Facebook I am going to write: “I saw fire trucks outside your house but I'm sure you already know, have a great time!”

ALCOHOL. Because no good story ever began with, "So, I was sitting there eating this salad..."

I have decided to write all my jokes in capitals from now on. My next one will be written in Tallahassee.

I do not like them in my inbox. I do not like them from a blond fox. I do not like your webcam spam. I do not like them, Scam I Am.

During these tough economic times, I like to remember the words my grandfather used to say to me whenever we got together: "Who are you?"

My doctor knew that I was married when I went for a check-up, he said, have you had sex in the last 7 days? I replied, No, my birthday is not till November.

This morning's coffee is so bold it told me to go fuck myself.

How many donut holes constitute a serving? Please say 46. Please say 46. I mean 47. Please say 47.

FACT: If you removed all of a person's veins and arteries, and laid them end to end, then that person will die.