FRASIER: “As the werewolf emerges, you hear him snarl. You see his teeth gnash and tongue loll. He steps towards you and-Roz put your hand down; I’m still not allowing romance in my campaign!” [MARTIN LOOKS AT ROZ, HORRIFIED] [DAPHNE SHRUGS] DAPHNE: “A step up from some of the men I’ve dated.”

NILES: “Which reminds me, Frasier, when are we starting our next Dungeons and Dragons campaign? I just finished my four-week workshop on Dissociative Identity Disorder and my notebook is absolutely bursting with character concepts.”

NILES: “What color do you think I should paint my miniature’s cape? Carmine or Burgundy?” FRASIER: “Burgundy is a strong choice, but might I suggest Cerise, as a nod to the Battle of Valor’s Dawn?” MARTIN: “You know, he might look good with a nice red.” NILES: “We’ll add that to consideration.”

BEAUTIFUL WOMAN: “Oh! I’m in a Dungeons & Dragons group, too. But we’re doing an official, prewritten adventure.” [FRASIER SCOFFS] FRASIER: “Prewritten! The storyteller’s crutch.” BEAUTIFUL WOMAN: “I’m the storyteller.” FRASIER: “… And what is a crutch if not a timeless and wonderful invention?”

NILES: “-and with that, I swing down and cleave the brigand’s skull!” [NILES ROLLS THE DIE] [SILENCE AS THE GROUP LEANS IN AND LOOKS AT THE RESULT] [NILES SITS] FRASIER: “Perhaps we should pivot to making our attack descriptions after the roll instead of before.” NILES: “If you wouldn’t mind.”

FRASIER: “Niles, get ahold of yourself, man! Your competitiveness is out of control; try to remember we are playing a game for-“ [NILES STANDS AND LOOSENS HIS TIE] NILES: “- for fun! I know that! I am having fun. In fact, I’m having more fun than any of you, so there, I win! Ha!”

FRASIER: “Dad, can you please get Eddie to get stop staring at me? It really is a bit much.” MARTIN: “He’s not staring; he’s glaring.” FRASIER: “Oh, what’s the difference?” MARTIN: “One happens when he finds you interesting. The other happens when you kill off his favorite NPC on game night.”

ROZ: “Niles, I’m not wasting one of my only spells! You’re fine.” NILES: “If you don’t help me out, I’m going to tell that man you’re seeing that you weren’t at yoga class tonight; you were playing Dungeons & Dragons.” ROZ: “You wouldn’t dare!” NILES: “I’ll show him your character’s backstory!”

FRASIER: “The orcs raise their axes high and demand blood.” NILES: “… I tell them I’m not here.” FRASIER: “I’m sorry?” NILES: “I argue that, philosophically, they cannot trust their own senses about me.“ FRASIER: “It’s a bit bold to place Descartes before the orcs, Niles.”

ROZ: “What about my character’s backstory, Fraz? Did you get a chance to look it over?” FRASIER: “Oh, yes. I’m quite familiar with Lady Chatterly’s Warlock Patron. Tell me, Roz, at what point did you forget for which genre of fantasy you were writing?”

MARTIN: “All right, if I have to have a backstory, here. You happy?” [HE HANDS THE PAPER TO FRASIER] FRASIER: “Once upon a time, Harold’s friend asked Harold if he wanted to go adventuring for gold. Harold looked at his bank statement and said ‘Sure’. Also, his family is dead.”

FRASIER: “Honestly, Niles! Why must you needle at every aspect of my story? It’s role play! Make believe! Or are you so devoid of whimsy that you’ve forgotten the concept?” NILES: “Oh, I know what make believe is. It’s when your radio callers refer to you as a psychiatrist!”

FRASIER: “I’m so glad you joined us again, Niles. After the loss of Graknokur, I thought you’d take a break.” NILES: “While it stung at first, I am back with more character than ever. Take a look!” [HE HANDS FRASIER A PAPER] FRASIER: “… Gräknokur?” NILES: “Note the umlaut.”

FRASIER: “Isn’t this exciting, dad? You’ve mastered the basics, earned some victories, and now leveling up allows you access to fresh possibilities!” MARTIN: “You know, it takes a special kind of person to think that the reward for learning rules is having to learn more rules.”

[As an experimental approach, please enjoy this long form moment]

MARTIN: “Why the hell’d you shoot the guard? You said you were going to use your charisma!” ROZ: “My spells are fueled by my charisma score!” MARTIN: “You couldn’t use it for a trick or something!?” ROZ: “I did! I used it to trick you into letting me kill him!”

FRASIER: “Shall we begin?” ROZ: “One sec.” [ROZ ROLLS DIFFERENT DICE, ONE AT A TIME] ROZ: “Nope. Nuh-uh. No way. Oh! Now that’s what mama likes! Ready.” FRASIER: ”You’re quite mad, aren’t you?” DAPHNE: “I’ll say. All that work and she chooses the die with the worst aura.”

[NILES WAVES THE PAPER ANGRILY] NILES: "The only reason we're losing this fight is that you wrote a page of new minotaur abilities!" FRASIER: "I knew it! I knew you peeked at my notes between sessions." NILES: "As if I needed to! I can recognize your bull sheet a mile away!"

NILES: “All I’m asking is one session as my homebrew class.” FRASIER: “Niles, this so-called Analyst concept isn’t even cohesive. Why would a student of psychology know counterattacks and spells like Wall of Force?” NILES: “Because he understands deflection and projection.”

NILES: “Legendary Actions!? This game is unbelievable. Your villain gets to act however he pleases, yet you have the gall to make me sit and wait my turn before I can even begin to unleash my Rage.” MARTIN: “Doesn’t look like that stopped you from getting a head start.”

[NILES OPENS THE GIFT BOX] NILES: “New dice for our games! Thank you, Frasier. You know, I’m not prone to superstition, but one can’t help but hope these are luckier than the last-“ [NILES ROLLS THE DICE AND STARES AT THEM] NILES: “Ah, well. There’s always next year.”

ROZ: "And what's wrong with playing a Warlock?" NILES: "It's just a tad self-deprecating. Choosing to be subservient to the one who gave you power is-" [NILES' PAGER BEEPS. HE CHECKS IT] NILES: "Frasier, may I use your phone? Maris needs me to argue with our gardener, Yoshi."

FRASIER: “Oh, just a peek. I’ve long wished for dad to be this excited about one of our hobbies.” [HE OPENS THE DELIVERY. THE ARTWORK IS UNMISTAKABLY MARTIN, SHIRTLESS, WITH FLOWING HAIR, HOLDING A SWORD] NILES: “On the bright side, your monkey’s paw has two more uses left.”

FRASIER: “I’ll remind everyone that this is a show about psychiatry, not games… On to our next call. Hello! You’re on the air with Frasier Crane.” CALLER: “Hi, Doctor Crane. It’s about my boss.” FRASIER: “Yes! Good! And what’s your boss’s name?” CALLER: “Alari Blooddrinker.”

[END CREDITS MUSIC PLAYS] [FRASIER LIFTS UP PAPERS ON THE TABLE, SEARCHING UNDER THEM IN FRUSTRATION] [HE STOPS AND VIEWS THE WHOLE ROOM, BEWILDERED] [HE KNEELS AND LOOKS UNDERNEATH THE TABLE] [HE STANDS AND EXITS] [CAMERA PANS TO EDDIE, HAPPILY HOLDING THE DIE IN HIS MOUTH]

DAPHNE: “I’m really quite impressed with you, Roz! Finally learning the names of all the characters.” ROZ: “Well, it’s not like I had a choice. Frasier here said he’d increase the armor of anyone I forgot.” FRASIER: “One does what one must for the sake of verisimilitude.”

BULLDOG: “Nah, Doc. I’m serious. Look, I wrote up my character’s stats and everything.” [HE HANDS FRASIER A PAPER] FRASIER: “Well, far be it from me to say ‘No’ to an adventurer. Let’s- Bulldog, what are these?” BULLDOG: “They’re stats, look: 38, 25, 37. Bam.” FRASIER: “No.”

FRASIER: “And so, learning the ruin’s secrets, you head home.” MARTIN: “Wait, that’s it? Where’s the treasure?” FRASIER: “Dad, please. You just had an incredible adventure. Are you really going to sully it over imaginary gold?” MARTIN: “You bet your real ass, I am! It’s mine!”

NILES: “Well, that’s absurd.” FRASIER: “I’m sorry, Niles, but your Barbarian’s Rage is all tapped out for this day.” NILE: “Just my luck. A whole fantasy world full of demons, fiends, and monstrosities… and me with the one Barbarian who remembers his deep breathing exercises.”

FRASIER: “How dare you have such flagrant disregard for my campaign!? I bared my entire soul with this setting!” NILES: “Oh, spare me! My support group for pathological liars yields better worldbuilding than this dreck.” FRASIER: “Get Out!”