I tried to figure out why the ghost train wasn’t scary but nothing jumped out at me.

Enters Roast Battle My opponent: Crowd roars as he unleashes five minutes of blistering insults about me, my appearance and those I love. Me: Awaits my turn looking down sadly at my tray of delicious golden chicken, crisp yet fluffy potatoes, veg, Yorkshire puds, gravy and all the trimmings

Pepsi is short for ‘Is Pepsi OK?’

I like to drive naked at 100mph then when the speeding tickets arrive I report the police for sending dick pics.

Phillips screwdrivers took their name from a man called Phillip who had a big metal cross on his head.

I don’t think cat food should be made from beef or tuna. it should only be made from things cats can actually eat in the wild like mice, birds or dead pensioner’s faces.

My flatmate used to sneak around at night and steal my cushions. I don’t know what it was but there was something about him that made me feel uncomfortable.

Some people are afraid of change but it really depends on how hard I throw it.

You can tell The Blair Witch Project wasn’t really found footage or the whole film would be in portrait and have a thumb in it.

Superheroes are usually very capable.

It's called 'Getting your guns out' because you have the right to bare arms.

The first rule of Mime Club is…

I can’t sleep in hot weather unless I’m completed naked but apparently that’s ‘gross and unhygienic’ and now my Uber rating is only 4.9.

If people steal safety equipment from beaches thats a big red flag.

To any Frenchmen who don’t like other people touching their bread. I feel your pain.

F5 is like F1 but more refreshing.

When I failed my seismology exams i just wanted the ground to open up and swallow me.

I don’t know who needs to hear this but ‘Avalanche!’ Please ignore this message if you’re not somewhere an avalanche is about to happen.

Sure statisticians pretend to be nice but they always revert to mean.

I’m not saying its hot but I’ve just been to visit my Nan and she’s unbuttoned the top of her coat and turned off one the third bar on the fire.

The only way I can sleep in the hot weather is to be completely naked. SOME people don’t seem to understand this but they just should just shut up and keep driving this Uber.

Someone told me I was the second least curious person they’ve ever met, so thats good.

Proctologists are a bunch of stuck up bums.

I watched a porn version of Frozen. Elsa was engaged to a snowman with a giant icicle penis but in the end she broke it off.

My boiler broke recently and I had to get a man out. It’s hardly a surprise it wasn’t working. There was a man in there.

Ampers&

I hated my twin brother. I couldn’t even bear to be in the same womb as him.

I’ve just stolen all your laxatives. I shit you not.

Buckets go down well.

I used to be a fluffer but now I’m semi-retired