My wife is called Uni. She changed her name from Polly in the 80s

It's Britain. We don’t call them asteroids. We call them arseteroids

“Hey - what word means ‘a hole drilled or bored into the earth to obtain water, petroleum or natural gas’ but also means ‘in a good or satisfactory manner’?” “NOT THIS AGAIN LULU”

Kid Creole is finally exhibiting his collection of artwork. All birds that he has sculpted from human waste. Featuring his most famous pieces - Excreta Seagull, Shite Falcon &, of course, Stool Pigeon

The man who invented the coffin has died. He’s being buried in a coffin

I only protected three cats last year. Which is why I’ve been relegated from the Cats Protection League

Some people like Julian Casablancas. Others prefer Fabrizio Moretti. My favourite is Albert Hammond Jr. Different Strokes for different folks

Next time you get your “ass handed to you on a plate”, just be thankful that they managed to fit your ass on a plate

"Can I have the name on the credit card please sir?" "Man" “First name?” “Muffin” "House number?" "15" "Postcode?" "WC2E9RZ" "Can I confirm - is that Drury Lane?"

You know when you’re trying articulate a very specific concept & you feel that the Germans have a word for it? The Germans actually have a word for this phenomenon.

So apparently it doesn't matter how hard you run at a mirror - you will NEVER emerge in another dimension. In other news, I'm officially banned from all branches of IKEA.

I woke up in a hotel room bath full of ice with no kidneys. My wife woke up in the same bath with 4 kidneys. I think I know what's happened here

I stopped putting my money under the mattress when I found out all the mattresses were talking to each other & fixing the interest rates

Sean Connery never believed the Shawshank Redemption was an actual thing. He thought it was people taking the piss

My new strategy when forgetting someone's name is to say the wrong name with SUCH CONFIDENCE that they're convinced THEY'RE wrong

Jessie Ware’s family are all incredibly proud of her success. Except her aunty Una, who doesn’t seem to know anything about it

Have you received an unsolicited private message urging you to “seize the day”? Don’t worry, it’s just a Carpe DM

Prognosis (n): a preponderance of progressive rock in a household due to a lack of female siblings

Everyone I know had an invisible friend growing up. Everyone except me. Maybe it was ME who was the invisible friend

If you can get there in 20 mins, there's a boy in The Dolphin in Partick selling a genuine starting pistol #commonwealth

Motörhead recorded 52 different versions of The Ace of Spades, each with a slightly amended lyric.

Apparently if a Kwenchy Kup isn't frozen within a ten mile radius of Glasgow, you're not allowed to call it a Jubilee

To get your CNN name, pick a woollen item of clothing & follow with an abstract bombastic noun. I'm Mitten Success, & my brother is Muff Destiny

I'm all for the exposure of art in the public domain but I will NOT be buying this new Grayson Perry Perry Sauce.

Really wish the Latitude festival would coincide with the Longitude festival. It would make it MUCH easier to find #LatitudeFestival

In case Scotland gets independence & corners all the oil & gas, English scientists are looking into ways to convert Micah Richards’ laugh into pure energy. They reckon they can heat all the public buildings for five years.

Last night I made a curry with so much oil in it that the US government are trying to effect a regime change in my house.

The longest punctuation mark is the hundred yard dash. Although I'm told if you stretch out a colon, you can fill a tennis court

When dinner guests ask for "something stronger", I introduce them to Tom Stoltman. It is expensive to keep him on a retainer but worth it

A lot of non-Scots asking me what Fair Fortnight is. It basically means that anyone called Alec switches off their phone for two weeks