The best way to drive him wild? Hide a tube of lipstick in his thong. When he figures it out, tell him you're Shercock Holmes and you're looking for the missing pearl necklace.
Great Sex Tips!
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Be his daring darling! Lash his hands to the rafters and bark like a walrus while goring him with your pencil tusks.
“When I take you by the hand, schedule a Google Alert for when we can have sex. It demonstrates that you're a classy woman.” -Philbert, 28
Talk dirty to him! While you're getting your freak on, try saying “I just ejected an entire fruit salad from my anus.” He's sure to put up with it!
What about you try wearing animal print underwear?
“When I stroke your clit, rejuvinate your vagina with alum powder douche. It demonstrates that you're a classy woman.” -Clifton, 29
Grab his penis and make a “Chicago Style” Hot Dog with yellow mustard, sport peppers, pickle relish and celery salt.
Brindle Realperson tells us “My Tindr hookup really likes it when I milk his penis like a cow udder. A sure-fire turn on!”
Our readers suggest this one: Toast his balls until he folds into singularity.
Suprise him by dressing as an Easy Bake Oven and mutter “Chicka Chicka Boom Boom, your dick is in my womb.”
Suprise him by dressing in your sparklewolf fursuit and scream that you want to listen to U2's entire discography before having sex.
Get yourself into one of these hardcore positions: Put your legs on his knees and your hands on his testicles. Now realize that this tip came from Jenga instructions, not a sex article. Soon you'll be another story in Hustler!
Give him the time of his life: Hide some hamburger meat in his shaving cream. When he finds it, spray him with a fire hose of lube.
Put his penis in your hand and loop it around your wrist like a bangle.
Take his penis out from his pants, and see if it can tell the difference between Pepsi and Coke.
Hot stuff! Hide your frozen placenta in his boss' coat pocket. When he catches on, tell him you wanted to give him something to remember you by, as you suspect he has early onset dimentia.
Give him a blowjob to remember: With the head of his penis in your mouth, activate your camouflage and ask why it's covered in blue body paint.
Here's a sexy idea! Hide Nana's ashes in his C string. When he figures it out, punch him in the throat.
Ask to see his penis and see if it can tell the difference between Pepsi and Coke.
This blowjob is 💯: As you suck on his penis, gag just a little bit and rest his testicles upon a throne of spun sugar.
Introduce a little kink into your life! Restrain his ankles to the mast of the USS Constitution and fill his chest with clothe band aids and rip them all off.
To make things interesting, dress up as a plate of nachos and scream “Prepare yourself for disappointment!”
Dress up in your birthday suit and announce: “I'm a little sexpot short and smug, here is my pussy and here are my jugs”
Give him the time of his life: Shape his extra penis until he considers celibacy.
Give him a blowjob to remember: After his penis is in your mouth, tickle his nipple and move side to side, blocking him from a layup.
Grab his penis and cut his dick into pieces, this is your last resort.
“When I stroke your clit, focus attention to my vestigial limb(s). It shows me how much you care.” -Clifton, 31