guy knocked on my door he said “Hey! I’m Tyler I do all the spiders and mosquitos in the neighborhood” and you better believe i killed that motherfucker

you idiots! comedy is not about joy or building community or challenging systems of power! comedy is about teaching 14-year-old boys slurs and making sure women know if i don’t like their bodies! it’s called pushing the boundaries and doing it makes me very profound!

my bf has been away for awhile and i get scared being home alone so to create the illusion that there’s a man in the house i’ve bought two massive speakers one is playing every episode of the joe rogan experience and the other is playing 24hrs of big fart sounds

if we are gonna get old timey propaganda again can i at least see bluey rip a cig

steadily increasing the amount of poppers i do as i get older to prevent myself from becoming wise

just learned the colon is 1.5 meters long but i’m gonna tell guys mine is 1.6

hey i think someone just wanted to kill trump because he’s a facist pedophile war criminal! i don’t think trump staged a shooting to manufacture consent! i don’t think he’s ever put effort into getting consent!

i don’t like gay conservatives but i’m a big fan of their porn site raw&unvaccinated it’s a lot of daddy/son stuff where the daddy is like giving the son soup cause he’s dying of measles

Amazon could announce they will be pumping poison gas into the home of every poor person and the NYT would put out an article like “Is Poison Gas Actually Mmmm Yummy Delicious?”

i’m glad he just said “all you had to do was pay us enough to live” cause i would’ve been in there like “CAPITALISM IS A DIARRHEA! OUR LEADERS WANT US TO BELIEVE IT CAN BE WIPED UP WITH A LITTLE TP, BUT WE KNOW THAT THE ONLY WAY TO TRULY CLEAN OURSELVES OF THIS MESS IS TO GET IN THE SHOWER!!!”

all i know is that if my tight little ass was around during jesus times he would’ve risen a lot faster

do y’all think homophobia started because masc gay men were so protein obsessed that they started eating all the chickens in the villages and the straight people were starving to death

maybe we can convince liberals to protest the war on iran if we tell them it was started by chappell roan

i do feel bad for some of these middle class guys defending billionaires like man you make $50,000 a year and you come home every day exhausted do you really think elon musk works 800,000 times as hard as you do and still has the time to tweet all day about how hot his ai anime girlfriend is???

heterosexuality is the most natural thing in the world! that’s why today we are passing a law that bans gay people from tv, movies, music, books, medicine, history, schools, and public life. if you break this law we will feed you to a python.

once again, kids are not “turned trans” by trans adults! kids are turned trans as a punishment for disrespecting the bog witch

sick of people saying polyamorous folks are non committal you have no idea how may siblings names i have to keep track of

scouting was never about “preparing young men for the military” scouting is about explaining to a guy who used to be in the military why you remembered to pack your blue green commander deck but not food

if you are trans, you have to live. the world needs your spirit, your art, and when they bury these decrepit monsters clinging to power by lying about who you are we will need your help pissing on their graves.

they want you to believe that every trans person is automatically a soulless self hating pervert but that every powerful person on the epstein list was just friends with jeffery for his personality

i always struggle when people are like “homosexuality is not a sin!!!” cause the way i’m doing it? it definitely is

sorry trans people but the polling shows that men 18-36 who call their mom the c-word don’t think you have humanity unfortunately this does mean we have to throw you into the grand canyon :(

you’re allowed to have a genital preference but i do think it’s a bit like being an adult who only orders chicken tenders like do your thing whatever but you’re gonna miss out on some incredible restaurants

you’ve heard of Barbenheimer, now get ready for The Bone Melania

queer eye would’ve been a much better show if it was just five new gay guys every episode not even helpful ones they’re just like eating the stuff in your fridge and telling you to quit your job

you knowwww the outfits good when the uber driver asks you if you know jesus

everyone’s like “you should get diagnosed! you should get diagnosed!” and it’s like okay what ever happened to letting a woman be eccentric

one thing about gay guys is they’re gonna push the hell outta you

weird how whenever i don’t go outside during the daytime i start thinking that everyone i’ve ever met wants me dead

before i eat anywhere i check to make sure the chef has gauges