BREAKING “Senator Josh Hawley’s Manhood Stepped On In Town Hall Event”

Me: “So get this. I was yodeling my hobo moan, and this fucking guy…” Wife: “No. Wait. Your what?” Me: “When you don’t hold your questions, it kills my flow.”

You won’t understand Nietzsche’s “Gay Science” until you, out loud, say “the gay scientist says” before reading every aphorism.

I'm excited to announce my book, "We Was Never Always Postmodern: A Conversion Story."

Okay, real talk about the Narnia CS Lewis didn’t want you to know about. A 🧵, 1/38

When I went into the shop and asked how much for these jeans, a little man wearing a fisherman’s cap and a repp tie as a belt slapped me and said he could offer me the GAP jeans in the trash if I would take the trash out and never come back. So I get Kelly Clarkson’s rage.

“There are two cocks inside me.” —guy who’s trying to switch up the “two wolves” thing with roosters because he thinks they’re awesome

Eric Schmitt: “Did you or did you not blow your family’s savings on some fucking beans, steal a bunch of shit from a giant, and enlist his wife in the betrayal, you absolute dirtbag?” Jack Smith: “That’s Jack and the Beanstalk.” Amy Klobuchar: “You got your Jacks wrong.”

Eric Schmitt: “We got you now, you son of a bitch! My team has evidence of your being courtside at Lakers games for decades.” Jack Smith: “That’s Jack Nicholson.” Amy Klobuchar: “You got your Jacks wrong.”

“Misunderstanding is the very basis of inter-human discourse.” —Lacan “Same with inter-species, bro. Trust.” —Kash Patel

“So you fucked a dog. I get it, man. Humans are off the table for guys like us. It’s time we dog-fuckers had a turn. Do you want to be in the FBI?”

“So let me get this straight” is a clause announcing that one certainly won’t get this straight.

Braudel’s great “The Mediterranean and the Mediterranean World in the Age of Philip II” ends with Philip’s death on a September 13th, my bday. I take this to mean that the death of Philip II announces my birth and a New Mediterranean World. I need a boat.

I feel bad for teaching Travis Kelce how to spell “squirrel.” I was just fucking with him. He’s huge. Huge men don’t feel, so you can fuck with them. Anyway, I believe misleading him set him up for Ponzi scheme and marriage victimhood. I am sorry.

The good news: you are thinking outside the box! The bad news: you are in a sealed tank with limited oxygen.

Dude I am going to live forever or die trying. And it all starts today with a test flight of my Where Eagles Dare wing set.

I don’t even let students use paper. As Trithemius notes on behalf of the scribes, who the fuck knows how long paper will last? Vellum is where it’s at, you dipshits.

“The boots stay on, baby. Now let’s fucking do this.” —me to Dr. Adam Harrington, who wants to measure my height

A: “Power to the people!” B: “Which power? There isn’t just power. There are three sorts of power in the political world. So which of those to the people? You see, it’s not so simple.” A: shoots B

A Seiju elm is not like a child. You have to nurture it for it to thrive.

Somebody get Larry Arnn out from under his Churchill puppet. He’ll love this.

I love feeding the worms the slop I slop together on the fly, but life is about more than just family. Sometimes I just want to tend to my worm bin. Composting is peace for me.

I bet my marriage would be better if we got engagement photos near a fucking barn while we stared at each other’s faces, or if we held hands, smiled like idiots, and pretended walking is hard as we crossed railroad tracks.

I do not read. Please note that I dictate my musings to a loser who types them on this device. I’m going to punch him in the chest at the end of this sentence.

A grisly revenge flick where a would-be turducken become sick fucking killers with determination to see their oppressors dealt with, piece by piece.

He returns to his frames, as the wise ones foretold! The prophecy is fulfilled!

I came here to drink some beer and complete the system of German idealism, and it looks like we’re out of beer, motherfucker! [removes shirt, falls on face]

I never had to teach Philip to find the most fucked up thing, jam your face in it, and take a big whiff. He just does it. That’s friendship.

I’m going to make a demon try to possess me, but it’s a trap. I flip the script and possess his evil ass. Now I have a demon to go to the farmers market or Target in my stead.