There’s growing panic in the White House as no one can remember whether it’s Donald Trump’s turn to announce massive strikes on Iran or to announce that he’s called offmassive strikes on Iran because they’re now begging for a deal.  More news as we get it

The prime minister has announced that he wants the hard hat to be respected Fair enough, although it can occasionally make people appear stupid

According to reports, Keir Starmer wrote hundreds of handwritten notes for every single member of No.10 staff. Have I Got News For You got exclusive access to a handful of them

On this momentous day for the constitution, people are grumbling that a slightly dull man with no particular talents has been imposed on them with no chance of voting for or against him. But that’s monarchies for you

Starmer makes way for Andy Burnham, saying ‘I wish him every success, he has my full support’, which was just possible to hear through the noise of gritted teeth

Sadiq Khan given peerage for services to the capital. Attendance to the House of Lords will give him a daily allowance of £371, which in London just about covers his tube travel and one coffee

Keir Starmer gives out resignation honours list which he said he would never issue. At least he stuck to his guns on the winter fuel payments, welfare reform, digital IDs, pub business rates, farmers’ inheritance tax, two child benefit cap…

Keir Starmer has defended his record as Prime Minister, saying ‘we did pull the levers’. Unfortunately they were the ones linked to a trap door above a £50bn black hole

England lose to Argentina in the semi-finals, saving millions of English fans from four days of thinking they actually had a chance against Spain in the final

Gianni Infantino is selling chunks of the World Cup final pitch for £335 each, raising over £8 million. He’s also offering a special 2 for 1 deal on some more top quality merch

Jarell Quansah has his red card ban extended to two matches. FIFA will consider an appeal, if the England defender can prove he’s either American or Argentinian or a brown envelope stuffed with cash

Andy Burnham on track to be PM after 322 Labour MP nominations in first tally. 323 would have made it mathematically guaranteed, can’t imagine who might have withheld that extra vote

Nigel Farage starts canvassing the only Clacton locals he knows will be 100% anti-bin

Trump leaves Nato conference saying the word of the day was ‘unification’. He’s excited to go back to the States and find out what it means

Ed Sheeran performed a private gig for the England team, making the players appreciate just how lucky Jordan Henderson was to leave the squad early

Nigel Farage says that Reform UK have offered to cover the cost of the Clacton by-election. Just don’t ask questions about where the money’s coming from

In Bristol, one stag group is very disappointed when the Jordan Pickford and Erling Haaland lookalikes they booked finally turn up

If elected, Count Binface may face a parliamentary standards investigation after it’s revealed he often makes collections on the wrong day

Farage says Clacton by-election will be ‘people vs the establishment’. More like:

Nigel Farage calls press conference to say ‘I’ve done nothing wrong’, in clearest sign yet that he’s almost definitely done something wron

Nigel Farage denies that he was secretly funded by convicted criminal, George Cottrell. Adding, I already have a convicted criminal who supports me thank you very much

FIFA officials begin desperate search to find little known rule overturning goals for being ‘too Belgian’

Keir Starmer says he holds no ‘personal animosity’ toward Andy Burnham, making it clear that he hates him purely in a professional sense

Nigel Farage reportedly received undeclared funding for security, drivers, staff and accommodation. Yet despite the financial help, the Reform leader seemingly still struggles to afford the travel to Clacton

England fans across the country celebrate the fact that remote work calls can be joined without having to do a breathalyser test first

One red card, two penalties, five goals, eleven minutes of extra time and a blood pressure too high to count. Probably beats the usual two weetabix and a shower before the working week starts

According to the Telegraph, AI  Data Centres can use up to 14 million litres of water a day. Although if you ask AI about it, it says ‘Yes, Bob Dylan won the World Cup in 1966'

USA striker Folarin Balogun is devastated by his red card in yesterday’s game. He should’ve asked to borrow Messi’s Cloak of Invisibility

The government faces tough choices if we want to keep the nation safe. For instance, do we want an upgrade to the A46 in Nottinghamshire or a couple of Patriot missiles?

£5m from a crypto billionaire and £1/4m for advertising gold bullion have really helped Nigel Farage in his fight for the little guy against the establishment elites